One of my Facebook friends posted this today:
A lovely Facebook meme. Did it make you chuckle?
I see this kind of thing a lot from this person. My guess is my friend posts misapplied arguments like this to trololololol. He doesn’t want to be taken seriously, but he likes getting people’s panties all atwist. It’s sadism, really (not really). Regardless of whether or not he wants people to learn anything or reflect for real, I did anyway. The poster above illustrates an attitude I see a lot. Usually from those with the most social status and special treatment (those from the middle class, whites, and men), who are blind to the full scope of the complaints they hear due to the difference in their lived experience (ie: they’re not evil). What they’re saying is that they’re upset because they can’t freely say what they want. It’s oppression, really, they would argue.
Just like poor Daniel Tosh. (For more on this, google “Daniel Tosh” and “Rape Jokes”)
That Facebook meme suggests that people can’t say what they want to, that there’s some kind of censorship imposed on them for “daring” to offend. But no one is censoring here. Even Tosh is free to say what he likes, but it takes tremendous entitlement to think that means listeners must THEN respond to him favorably. That we must enjoy and respect what he says, just because… why, he has opinions? Yeah right. Welcome to the real world, my lovely friends. If your job is comedy and you aren’t amusing us, we don’t buy your tickets or watch your shows. Any response to you is actually speech and it’s just as protected as yours, and we’re just as un-entitled to you liking it.
Belle reads a lot. Gaston really ought to see what she’s found out.
This “rape joke” example brings me to another insight. I think we need new words.
Offense for example. So many people use this word, so many others (usually members of favored groups) rebel against it.
What’s happening is, you say you’re “offended”, and what people hear is: “My wittle FEEEEEELINGs hurt!” But who’s going to care about your feelings being hurt? A huge percentage of people are going to think you ought to toughen up! They’ll think, “My goodness how did you survive this long expecting other people to accommodate your weakness?”
With that understanding, the offenders are then feeling justified to write memes about offense and censorship like the one I saw on Facebook. They say back to the offended, “Don’t be such a whiner!” They feel pretty brave “standing up” to this idea because it seems like everyone is just a mindless sheep complying with the request of this bellyaching “offended” person.
It’s too bad, because they’re so far off the mark. I blame the word “offense”.
The thing is, when a person says “I’m offended” they’re usually saying something closer to: “I am witness to you invalidating humans for an insignificant reason, and that is doing real damage and is utterly embarrassing and horrifying and I don’t think you meant it to be. I thought to tell you.”
It’s not that they’re feeling insulted! They’re seeing a breach in respect and decency. Not a small MISSTEP in protocol, or an incorrect use of etiquette. You have done something that they know to be molestation to other people, a form of corruption rotting good people (you) from the core. They see it and you don’t, and there has to be a better way to communicate that, because right now it sounds a whole lot like rigid rule-enforcing!
What happens next is everyone involved, not understanding each other, just splits off into teams. They play these roles, they jerk their knees, they get to feel super justified, super pissed, and while they’re playing this game no one is being understood.
The thing is, how could people understand each other when these are the exchanges happening over, and over, and over again? No wonder people are seeing each other as enemies! These words are leaving them interpreted as whiners, morons, or assholes.
Yeah, so the word “offense” doesn’t make people see anything. In this case it doesn’t even mean anything. It’s being used but not being heard.
Until a replacement word is found, when you would ordinarily use the word offense, say what you really mean, in long form. Skip the code word. You have to work a little harder and use a bit of finesse unless all you want to do is repeat the same scene over and over and over. Like Groundhog Day.
Don’t be this guy. Still image from the film Groundhog Day
You want to say:
“I hated your rape joke, it was so offensive!”
Instead try:
“Not understanding why making jokes about rape is problematic. It goes against the unwritten standards of being a good person and I’m sure you intended this innocently but you make yourself look like you don’t understand the suffering of victims. It might be time to rethink this. I’ve spent a lot of time on this subject, so if you want some resources I can save you some time and send a few your way.”
It’s not cheeky or cute or rebellious to be “offensive”, it’s not brave or charming, it doesn’t make you look like a freedom fighter, or rulebreaker, or like you’ve figured anything out. People think that it does because they imagine “offense” as if it means “insult”. Insult is really not what people are saying. Really! Even the whiny ones. Learning about this will save you from frustration, annoyance, and will let you work on being a good person at the next level. What I’m saying here is not some alternative viewpoint, or niche opinion. It’s an attempt at translation. I think anyone involved in debating offense clearly cares, and when you care so much it can be hard to refocus from “defense” to “understanding” but there are clear advantages to doing so. I’d like to know if this was helpful or saves you some frustration. Have you been stuck in this cycle of uselessness and futility (no matter where in this pattern you happen to be stuck)? Is there something you’ve learned that you wish other people knew about?
January 22nd, 2013 at 5:58 pm
I agree with you, I’ve experienced situations like this in my life. If you start off with the word offense they never let you explain! This is where I usually lose my temper!
I’ll try to reply with an explanation next time instead. Even though I shouldn’t have to. Lol this really makes me mad.
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January 22nd, 2013 at 9:20 pm
I’m not offended by rape jokes…or insulted…they INFURIATE the hell out me! And I’m very disturbed by the culture of people who seem to think that some rapes are justifiable, or if she didn’t fight hard enough or she wore a short skirt, then she really wanted it…or if she gets pregnant, then she must have wanted it b/c “real” rapes don’t cause pregnancy (that last one just has me red in the face hopping up and down LIVID)…
HELLO! Rape is rape is rape. Period. There are no “justifiable” rapes. There are no “legitimate” rapes. And there is never any time when it can be condoned or taken lightly in a joke.
I try not to be civil when I hear comments that trivialize something serious. I’m usually a very quiet, mild-mannered person, but when somebody says something so WRONG, they need to know that it was beyond offensive and they need to know in as plain and clear a language as I can phrase it. And they need to know it is never funny, ever.
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January 22nd, 2013 at 10:34 pm
I don’t know, I wonder if it’s not so much a misunderstanding of what someone means by “offensive” as a disagreement over whether the offensive bit is important or trivial–whether it’s “worth” getting offended over. I guess in some ways this works out to the same thing. In some cases, the explanation strategy would be good for addressing this, though; if someone thinks that getting offended over rape jokes is the “incorrect” response because they think it’s a trivial issue, the explanation that they give rapists social license to operate (and you then have to explain that term) might convince some people that it’s not trivial.
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February 4th, 2013 at 5:04 am
response to: http://cake-pie.com/we-need-new-words-offense-isnt-cutting-it/2071/
I believe that the word’s usage and context should be considered and I AM ‘offended’ when someone is emotionally upset over a word without heeding those aspects in the same way that people get upset when their words are taken out of context in other avenues of our lives.
Thank being said, I can appreciate the shock and disgust that words can invoke in others.
I find myself using the term “rape” reflexively while playing video games. Its a very charged word, and in the heat of the moment, when your units are ‘penetrating’ another’s base, or you are ‘forcing your way in’ or otherwise ‘dominating through violence and superior strength’, rape a reasonably useful word. I’ve been trying to reduce my use of it, but there aren’t really that many alternatives that have the same feeling and emotional power than the idea that ‘you got raped!’. One alternative that worked well for a while was ‘pwn’, or more generally owned, but it has been overused and diluted down to a cute saying and no longer has the desired emotional charge.
Steven pinker goes into great detail about the usage of swears and other taboo words. There is a wonderful @google authors talk he does here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBpetDxIEMU&t=19m46s that I’ve hotlinked to the particular section on swearwords (after a short summery of what happened earlier in the talk)
This particular quote from his book comes to mind for my purposes:
“There are times, of course, when we want to remind our listeners of the disagreeable aspects of something, and that is when we turn to the language of the gutter. Sometimes for the sake of narrative vividness, sometimes out of anger, we use taboo words to convey just how vile something is. [...] Try replacing the taboo terms in these sentences with their polite synonyms. They lack a certain something, because the emotional force of the speaker’s reaction is no longer being conveyed. [...] a conspicuous willingness to break taboos conveys an atmosphere of informality, a freedom from having to watch what you say.”
- Steven Pinker, The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature. pp351-352
I do resent the idea that words have some type of magical property that cause things to happen in the real world. I do not prescribe to the notion that speaking ill of someone or using swears will somehow affect the metaphysical fabric of our reality. However I will admit that they can cause stress in another’s mind.
I ascribe strongly to the idea that if something is taken off the table for conversation, it is effectively saying it is immune to criticism and I am NOT ok with that in any realm of discussion.
I am also of the opinion that jokes are a special form of speech and (can) take on a very powerful role in changing society. There are a couple of powerful ted talks that illustrate this idea better than I every could:
http://www.ted.com/talks/chris_bliss_comedy_is_translation.html
Some of the most prolific comedians of our times recently got together to discuss these issues and they touch on things like ‘nigger’ and other taboo items of conversation. Its really worth a look to fully understand the whole picture:
http://www.openculture.com/2012/09/seinfeld_louis_ck_chris_rock_and_ricky_gervais_dissect_the_craft_of_comedy_nsfw.html
But yeah, rape isn’t cool.
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