Ouch. I know.
But for the first time in history we have definitive proof that there is no all-seeing, all-knowing, loving, world/universe creator many religions refer to as God. Instead, there’s Disney.
Now I know what you’re all thinking. And it’s not just because of the mind reading devices I have installed in your brains. Or the key-loggers on your computers. It’s because it’s fucking obvious:
“What’s up with the blasphemy!?” “Why would anyone hate on Disney!?” Obviously you’re not paying attention.
Disney not only killed Bambi’s mother just to make you cry, it also recently bought Marvel.
In the Disney Universe they do what they do very well. They take stories other people write, or find shit from folklore–like Lilo and Stitch for example–and mold it into their own vision: The historic tale of an alien misidentified as a dog living in Hawaii with possibly the awesomest child ever, and the tale of their eternal friendship, hi-jinks, and Elvis impersonations. If you think I’m making this shit up, remember: Disney did it first.
Now that I’ve kissed a little Disney ass for all the childhood entertainment I’ve gained from them (largely as a fully-grown adult, strangely), I am going to tell you why this company is going to turn everyone into atheists. I am going to do this in great detail. Those of you who already know about Marvel’s new Big Poppa have been avoiding thoughts of what’s to come, the possible changes to be made–and your natural fears surrounding them. I know this, and I’m still going to express every one of them… why? Just to make you cry. After all, it’s what Disney would want.
Assuming you know who Spider-Man is, you know that he’s already fucked. They kill him off every other issue, and there are multiple Spideyverses. Just try and keep up. Let’s not waste any more time crushing this franchise. Even if you were optimistic enough to enjoy the films, (hail, Willem Dafoe!) you can’t be happy knowing what bullshit they’re going to do when Sam Raimi is taken off the project when Disney asks to return Spider-Man to the lighthearted superhero of never. He’s just too dark, they’d say.
Then someone at Disney realizes they now own Wolverine. Oh. My. Fuck. And they thought Spidey was dark? He had a moral ambiguity? Yuh, sure, kid. Meet your maker. Wolverine kills everybody. Hey, maybe they’ll let Wolverine kill Spidey! And then he’ll wander around as a helpful spirit mascot to lend his advice and side-kick humor to the rest of the Marvel Universe.
Even better, maybe they’ll tame him. Hear me out. Wolverine mysteriously disappears with no explanation given and maybe a vague kidnapping scene. His absence is the key topic of interest among the other X-men, including the clone of Jean Grey. It turns out there is a new mutant with the power to reverse other mutant abilities, and he kidnapped Wolverine with some thready incentive and now Wolverine is normal. He keeps the adamantium, but is no longer indestructible. He’s so happy about this (for no reason) that now he’s that jovial old uncle that used to be in a biker gang (but he’s cool now!) and quips cleverly every so often as a side character to the more morally perfect Cyclops. Because ever since he had his regeneration taken away he’s been best friends with Cyclops. They play checkers and shit now.
It gets worse. Now you see, they also own Iron Man: a drunk, lady-fucker with a robot house and a slave. And by slave I don’t mean the robot house. I’m talking about Pepper, obviously. Good bye to that shit. He cleans up, marries Pepper, and goes into the checkers club with Cyclops and Wolverine.
Basically, any God that loves us would never allow this to happen. And naturally, since God’s rivals (usually Satan) are such haters, you know they love Marvel too, so they’re not involved in this bullshit. It’s the only explanation for what has now happened and cannot be undone.
Please, Disney, repent of your ways and sell the god-damned franchise to someone else. Maybe Costco? Ben & Jerry’s? Magneto?