Cake-Pie

With the new season of Heroes interrupting my Mondays, my constant annoyance with shows like Fringe, and my happiness at the thought of new comic book films, I am always debating which awesome superpower I want.

It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.

Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.

• “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.

• “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.

• “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.

• “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.

• “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.

I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!

Ouch. I know.

But for the first time in history we have definitive proof that there is no all-seeing, all-knowing, loving, world/universe creator many religions refer to as God. Instead, there’s Disney.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. And it’s not just because of the mind reading devices I have installed in your brains. Or the key-loggers on your computers. It’s because it’s fucking obvious: “What’s up with the blasphemy!?” “Why would anyone hate on Disney!?” Obviously you’re not paying attention.

Disney not only killed Bambi’s mother just to make you cry, it also recently bought Marvel.

In the Disney Universe they do what they do very well. They take stories other people write, or find shit from folklore–like Lilo and Stitch for example–and mold it into their own vision: The historic tale of an alien misidentified as a dog living in Hawaii with possibly the awesomest child ever, and the tale of their eternal friendship, hi-jinks, and Elvis impersonations. If you think I’m making this shit up, remember: Disney did it first.

Now that I’ve kissed a little Disney ass for all the childhood entertainment I’ve gained from them (largely as a fully-grown adult, strangely), I am going to tell you why this company is going to turn everyone into atheists. I am going to do this in great detail. Those of you who already know about Marvel’s new Big Poppa have been avoiding thoughts of what’s to come, the possible changes to be made–and your natural fears surrounding them. I know this, and I’m still going to express every one of them… why? Just to make you cry. After all, it’s what Disney would want.

Assuming you know who Spider-Man is, you know that he’s already fucked. They kill him off every other issue, and there are multiple Spideyverses. Just try and keep up. Let’s not waste any more time crushing this franchise. Even if you were optimistic enough to enjoy the films, (hail, Willem Dafoe!) you can’t be happy knowing what bullshit they’re going to do when Sam Raimi is taken off the project when Disney asks to return Spider-Man to the lighthearted superhero of never. He’s just too dark, they’d say.

Then someone at Disney realizes they now own Wolverine. Oh. My. Fuck. And they thought Spidey was dark? He had a moral ambiguity? Yuh, sure, kid. Meet your maker. Wolverine kills everybody. Hey, maybe they’ll let Wolverine kill Spidey! And then he’ll wander around as a helpful spirit mascot to lend his advice and side-kick humor to the rest of the Marvel Universe.

Even better, maybe they’ll tame him. Hear me out. Wolverine mysteriously disappears with no explanation given and maybe a vague kidnapping scene. His absence is the key topic of interest among the other X-men, including the clone of Jean Grey. It turns out there is a new mutant with the power to reverse other mutant abilities, and he kidnapped Wolverine with some thready incentive and now Wolverine is normal. He keeps the adamantium, but is no longer indestructible. He’s so happy about this (for no reason) that now he’s that jovial old uncle that used to be in a biker gang (but he’s cool now!) and quips cleverly every so often as a side character to the more morally perfect Cyclops. Because ever since he had his regeneration taken away he’s been best friends with Cyclops. They play checkers and shit now.

It gets worse. Now you see, they also own Iron Man: a drunk, lady-fucker with a robot house and a slave. And by slave I don’t mean the robot house. I’m talking about Pepper, obviously. Good bye to that shit. He cleans up, marries Pepper, and goes into the checkers club with Cyclops and Wolverine.

Basically, any God that loves us would never allow this to happen. And naturally, since God’s rivals (usually Satan) are such haters, you know they love Marvel too, so they’re not involved in this bullshit. It’s the only explanation for what has now happened and cannot be undone.

Please, Disney, repent of your ways and sell the god-damned franchise to someone else. Maybe Costco? Ben & Jerry’s? Magneto?