Cake-Pie

With the new season of Heroes interrupting my Mondays, my constant annoyance with shows like Fringe, and my happiness at the thought of new comic book films, I am always debating which awesome superpower I want.

It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.

Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.

• “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.

• “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.

• “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.

• “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.

• “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.

I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!

Ladies, we all know how much sexier Zachary Quinto is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie than creepy mother-fucker Sylar on Heroes. There’s a reason: Spock is far more datable than Sylar. That much is obvious. But how datable is Spock himself? I explore this strange, new concept through anecdote and my own clever deductions.

Now I had to look it up, but I remember the episode where Spock was captured by Nazis and tortured for information about the Enterprise shirtless. I know it was like a million years ago when that episode was filmed (or technically, hundreds of years in the future), but Spock was showing off his man-pecs effectively enough to ensure his hottie status. The episode is called “Patterns of Force” from the original series if you want to see what I mean. No manscaping back then, but he looks better than Kirk–who is shirtless in like 20% of Star Trek episodes. He also looks better than Will Riker from The Next Generation. Suck it, Will Riker.

Next: Spock’s sensitive! I know you’re about to argue me on this because “Blah, blah, Vulcans hate emotions, blah, blah”, but we all know how happy he was when he was infected with Omicron Spores and got to live in  paradise and even confessed his love  to the botanist chicky during this time–before Kirk (who was unaffected) ruined it for everyone. This episode is called “This Side of Paradise” because it was.

Before that Spock expressed something like actual joy when his betrothed skank T’Pring made him and Kirk fight to the death while Spock was all plak tow-ed. Spock thought he killed Kirk only to find it was a ruse that Kirk and McCoy planned in order to save the captain. He was all “JIM!!!” and stuff. That’s Vulcan for “Holy shit, man! I’m filled with delight”.

He also plays the Vulcan Lute. Chicks love musicians.

Girls also love witty quips  from emotionally unavailable guys, so there you have two full demographics of female wants completely covered with Spock. Girls who want innocent, sensitive men; and psychos who want emotionally unavailable smartasses.

He lives a lot longer and healthier than normal men, since he’s half-Vulcan, and if you can keep him in the spores, he’s pretty much the nicest, smartest guy ever.

He’d be totally datable and he’s very loyal–as exhibited on the Enterprise in probably 70% of episodes. He’s unlikely to cheat (except for cheating death) because he doesn’t lie. And chances are high that he doesn’t have the herpes.

I have to down-rate him for his completely ridiculous adoration for both Star Fleet and Captain Kirk. You should always come first, ladies, no matter if he’s in his pon farr or not. There’s also the chance that he’s more into guys than girls. Good news for military gays!! This makes him way more datable to you. Bad news for creatures with vaginas that are NOT Captain Kirk.

Points off for his potential crush on Kirk, his obsession with Star Fleet over anything ever, and his 7-year wait for pon farr. Of course, if you can just hit him with spores, none of that will matter! He’ll be happy too, so you don’t have to feel like a poisoning psycho bitch. About his time infected he later reflects that this was the first time in his life at which he had felt happy.

Overall, I’d give Mr. Spock 4 Cake-Pies out of 5 for datability. Did I mention Vulcans have two sets of eyelids? Well, they do.