Cake-Pie

What are your gamer numbers?

I was going to make a negative and/or sarcastic reply to Cake-Pie’s Post here, but a counter-article seems more constructive. Game companies shouldn’t waste time trying to cater to gamer types and just focus on making a good game instead. Like Cake-Pie said: “They own a lot of the same games the rest of us buy.” When a game is being made, you have three pint glasses: the first is for graphics, the second gameplay, and the third is depth. And game developers only use 22-30 ounces of beer to fill them up. But that’s a discussion for another day.

Moving on to the Bars of Destiny! To keep things simple let’s think of gamers as two slider bars, each with a scale from 1 to 10. To do this, we identify the two things that are most important to all gamers and games in general. If we do this right, we can use this scale to review games, as well as the people playing them. Ever wonder what kind of gamer those reviewers are before reading their review? It matters.

Let’s get down to business.

Slider 1: Personal immersion and investment level: This slider indicates how much of yourself you put into gaming. Are you playing the game, or is the game playing you? You’ll find things like controller throwing, swearing, adrenaline rushes, peerless concentration, and high blood pressure the higher you go in this scale.

People with Tens in this category will become the game. Quickly breaking the game down to what needs to be done, and then how best to do it. You will WANT to destroy anything in your way; and if you mess up, die, fall down that pit, or hit the wrong button, say goodbye to a tiny peace of your soul. You will have your own style to playing and assimilating with games, and your personality will be evident in your gameplay.

Games with no immersion qualities by virtue of design will only hold a Ten’s attention if there’s something to figure out or accomplish. Without that, the game must rely on difficulty to get you “immersed by retrying.” This forces you to figure out why the game is so hard, causing you to really focus on being–and beating the game–down to its coding if you have to, because you are determined to win. Ghosts and Goblins has no story keeping you going, just infinite lances and infinite continues. If you’ve played it, you understand the retry immersion from level 3.5. In order to see level 4, the game and your soul must be one, or you’ll just give up or get bored. This kind of investment means you spend lots of time really thinking about the game when you’re not playing it. Tearing your attention away from a game you’re attached to takes a lot of will. If you’re a Ten, you’re probably trying to figure something out in a game right now.

Now, let’s look at how Ones define this category. Games are flashy pictures on your TV. You can pick one up, enjoy it, and turn it off without a second thought. You might even enjoy the story more than someone who is a Ten. You’re watching the cut-scene for its cinematic value. Plus, it acts as a nice break from having to push buttons on the controller and move around in-game. Or it’s just a good time to put down the controller and pick up a beer.

Ones like a nice pace and difficulty curve that allows you to just pick up the game and play it. You’re turned off by games with somewhat complicated controls or reactionary moves that take memorizing. In your type of game, either you figure it out, or you can sit around and grind until it’s not so hard anymore. Because you’re playing the game to relax, it doesn’t bother you if you’re mindlessly killing the same monster for an hour. By the time you come back to the game, you can still have that hour’s fun again anyway. You aren’t going to be living and breathing the game, nor would you want to.

Reviewing:

If you wanted to use The Bars of Destiny as a reviewing scale, you just have to figure out how much the game can take hold of you. Does it suck you in, or does it just suck. Some characteristics to consider as you’re thinking of what’s important to this scale are:

• Sound Dynamics: Whether it’s sweet Mega Man-like techno music, or important positional audio like SOCOM, sound is a major key to immersion.

• Total Epicness: Do you like huge boss monsters, seemingly unstoppable forces, or throwing cars at things? Me too! There’s nothing like getting into a game because of its total epicness.

• Direct Involvement: Gold story, green story, who gives a shit? Is your character there just to complete the game, or do you want to use your character to complete the game? Think Devil May Cry 3 cut-scenes, nobody knows what the story is, but you just saw some dude throw a sword off a building then run down the side to catch up to it, meanwhile shooting a shit load of things, and that dude is YOU… sign me up!

Slider 2: Gaming depth, detail and demands: To be continued….

So people tell me all the time that I have anger issues. Overall, the unwashed masses aren’t very observant about things outside themselves, so I ignore them. This is the right thing to do, and here’s why: They tell me this because I swear at screens and not people–clearly they can’t seem to tell the difference.

As far as I can tell, no one has deliberately made an Anger Quest game or Fuck You, Your Character Dies adventure; but sometimes it feels that way. REAL gamers just play their games, and continue to do it until the yelling sounds like this: “Fuck you Game! How did you like that? That’s me winning.”

Most of the noise I make is when I school my AI opponents. It tends to be loud, sometimes really racist (“Dwarves are stupid”), and often occurs when I’m in a hurry to collect phat l00t and some NPC is jibber-jabbering at me. I’m just saying what you’re thinking, only out loud: “Shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. Where’s my goddamned gold? Sweet! Now I can breathe underwater!”

Unfortunately, fighting games make me look like a wife beater. Which says a lot, since I’m a woman. Sometimes people give me shifty-eyes for days when they play a fighting game with me. Especially Soul Calibur IV. Everyone talks a little trash now and then, and if you don’t, it’s because you’re undead. Nobody cares about you.

What happens to many of us, though, is we relax, forget that gaming is Vital to our self-worth, and we are polite when playing with our friends. What happens to me is that I never forget. You hit me with Astaroth’s stupid fucking axe in that annoying circular swipe move? Well, regard that as your moment because soon I’ll be Kancho-ing you with Xianghua’s Tai Chi sword like it’s Christmas for weird people. I’ll really enjoy it. If you’re kicking my ass (as if) I’ll remain silent until it’s my turn.

Here’s the part where I really sell you on this not being about anger: I swear at screens when no one else is around. I swear playing single-player games. I swear when I’m winning. I swear when I play Katamari Damacy.

People with anger issues get all fussy and  throw their $50 controllers at their $800 TV’s because they missed a jump and now they have to go all the way around just to try again. Again. They get pissed off when you beat them over and over in Mortal Kombat, they also call all your moves cheap. They refuse to EVER play Counter-Strike again because of “Fucking Campers”, ie: because they lost.

I can be guilty of videogaming extroversion. Maybe you’re just like me. You know, talking to NPC’s like they’re real, crying when the ones you like die, and tossing one-liner insults at the ones you don’t like as if they can hear it.

Highly delusional. But just happy as a clam.

Not everyone is a gamer. Let’s just start there. But for some reason we still feel the need to categorize THE GAMER. Perhaps it’s because many of us have been trained from a young age by these games to level ourselves up, and one way to do this is to promote our own hard-coreness, and demote your old-school-ity. Suck it, n00b!

Nonetheless, we do push typing. In 2006 money was actually spent in market research to “type” gamers by the Park Associates. They decided game purchasers fell into six categories: Power Gamers, Social Gamers, Leisure Gamers, Dormant Gamers, Incidental Gamers, and Occasional Gamers. Of course, this research was done via an online poll, so no matter how you slice it you’re more likely to get game data that represents a different group than, say, people who do not spend time gaming online. I’m sure they did a lot of very professional surveys, really science-y and all. But of the 2000 or so people they managed to tally data from, human beings still deciphered the results.

Guess what, punks? I’ve logged many, many hours at GameStop. I’ve observed some gamers, and obviously I know some gamers. My typing is wise and powerful. Suck it, n00bs!

• Type A: “The Biggest Hits Gamer”. This gamer shows up on release date and wants the new game. Not that fucking movie-licensed game! “No, I don’t want to wait one extra day I’m playing this shit right now.” They smoke games for breakfast. Owns: PS3, Xbox 360, Metal Gear Solid 4, Madden 2010, and a High-definition TV with the right fucking cables.

• Type B: “I buy the Best”. Yeah they do. And they buy it in the plastic. Gamers of this type are identified by their random buys from nearly any platform. They want whatever has been rated highly, or whatever is over $100 on eBay. If you ask them what their favorite games are, they annoyingly have articulate things to say about all of them. Owns: PC, PS2, Suikoden 2, Portal, Okami, and some rare shit from Japan. Ask them. I bet they play imports.

• Type C: “HOLY SHIT!”. I know. Not much help? Well this gamer buys games that have pictures of their heroes on the cover. They meander in when they happen to be in the mall, or they have money burning a hole in their pocket. It occurs to them to buy a game usually on a whim, or if The New Movie came out and advertised that it made a game too. Owns: Xbox 360, Wii, PSP, Naruto games, Dragon Ball Z, NBA Live, and probably the newest movie-licensed game.

• Type D: “Has the Price Dropped?”. This gamer type usually gets lumped in the casual groups. They’re the most likely to beat any game they buy, because they’d really like to trade it back in and get new games while they still can. You see something under $10 with a cool cover? Hell’s yeah. I think these guys are pretty smart, because honestly, some of those games are fantastic. Owns: PS2, GBA, rotating selection of games like Max Payne, Oni, Metroid Fusion, and some WWE game.

• Type E: “I Only Play With Friends”. This type used to be a LOT more common when there were thousands of MMOs to play. This gamer wants the co-op games, the MMOs, and the music games. Naturally, there are sub-groups to this type! There is “The WoW Player”–they own World of Warcraft and a computer. Anything else they own was bought in The Beforetime. Then there’s “The Co-Oper”–they own a Wii, Xbox 360, Lego Star Wars, Left 4 Dead, or like, Army of Two. You also have your “Music/DDR Player”. This group used to include the kids at the arcade who could do Max 300 on Expert without the bar. They own a Wii, Gamecube, Xbox 360 OR PS3, and probably Rock Band–they also bought songs for it.

• Type F: “I Don’t Play Well With Others”. Again, this type has sub-grouping. You have your “Fraggers”, they own all of Call of Duty, Half-life, or Halo. They always have a favorite. They will fucking bury you. They probably even unlocked all those stupid ranks in America’s Army. The next type: “Pwners”, plays Warcraft 3, Starcraft, and/or Diablo 2. Still. The last group, “I am Undefined”, you don’t see often, they’re not in those fucking surveys. Their school is old, their core is hard. They own original systems like Atari, NES, and possibly even a NEO GEO. And they didn’t buy it at a yard sale like you did. They just kept it from when it came out. Usually though, these are PC gamers. They got into games to get away from people. Maybe they’re awkward, or maybe people don’t interest them. For whatever reason, they own a lot of the same games the rest of us buy, as long as it’s not fucking online, or requires goddamn friends to come over. They DO NOT own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, they will never play WoW, and you probably don’t want to ask them how many hours they’ve logged in Civilizations, Legend of Zelda, or X-COM.

Overall, it’s less about what specific games people play. Many people ultimately own a lot of the same exact games despite being different gamer types. People are typically motivated by what they want, so the people these types represent are just that. Wants! You may find elite and casual gamers spanning throughout many of these categories. What type are you?

I’m going to have a hard time writing this particular entry without including as many Godfather, Goodfellas, and Sopranos quotes as I know. Bonus points to you if you get the references after I’m done bastardizing them with Mafia Wars Sorority Life.

You read that right. And if you know anything about Facebook, you know yourself some Mafia Wars! But did you know there’s a similar game suited more appropriately for les femmes? Yus! You’ve probably seen their ads on Facebook and said to yourself: “No. Fucking. Way.” Well I am now House Mother of a growing Sorority Life family Sisterhood.

And for you, my audience, it doesn’t have to be my daughter’s wedding day for me to take the bullet, try this game, and then report back. I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see.

I’ve had a morbid curiosity with these Facebook apps ever since My Heroes Ability, which is a game that gives you superpowers that you use on your friends, enemies, and random mobs. It’s free to play, at the time it was pretty addictive (not too many great apps on Facebook back then) and you can, like, paint the future and stuff.

I’d made a specialty out of knowing my free MMO’s back in my Computer Games Magazine days, and naturally in my search I stumbled upon a lot of regular ole Flash games–some of them were very innovative. Even so, Facebook has some really great applications that trump a lot of the free MMO-style games on the web both then and now.

I love the instant gratification I get from playing on Facebook, how I can coerce certain male players into joining my Sorority House Cake PI (seriously awesome name for a sorority house.) I even created a Facebook group for my Sisters to meet up–and it has a Code of Conduct!

It’s like I’m a real House Mother, except that I’d probably be trying to have LESS women in my house than trying to have as many sisters as possible. So far it’s been fun! I’m a multi-millionaire, I have like two jets, two Escalades, a yacht, and probably hundreds of shoes. The best part? No extra carbon footprint! It’s like all the benefits of hoarding expensive goods without any drawbacks!

I don’t even pay for storage. Although I do pay upkeep costs.

Overall I never really dug Mafia Wars. It wasn’t because you had to friend hundreds of strangers to improve you chances of moving up the ladder. You do that in Sorority Life too. I guess I just don’t like violence. I’m a businesswoman. Blood is a big expense. I much prefer to spend my money on fabulous dresses, accessories, and hairstyles.

So join me in my evil ways. Be a part of my Sorority House Group Cake PI on facebook. You should be able to find me and friend me with “SL” in your message for a friend request.

Just don’t ever take sides with anyone against the House again. Ever.

It has recently come to my attention that the game magazine I used to work for (which is now sadly dead) is not buried, but somewhat zombie-like.

As you may know from reading my About page I used to be on staff at Computer Games Magazine, and when we launched our new gaming magazine MASSIVE (which turned into MMO Games due to another magazine named massive) I followed there as well. It was really awesome for every reason you can think of. I even got this free chair which everyone insists is a sex chair (but is clearly NOT). Bottom line: E3, Games, NON-sex chair, Meeting EVERYONE. It was sweet like pocky.

It all ended when CGM’s publisher got into trouble for spamming with another project completely unrelated to CGM or MMO Games Magazine. So you can imagine how sad we all were when we were told that the publisher lost the lawsuit, everyone had to leave, and the magazines were gone forever. I really did <3 CGM and the different voice we had in the game world. We had the largest female readership, and we had possibly the smartest reader’s letters.

I got all nostalgic and Googled: “computer games magazine” articles (then added) “tiffany martin” in the hopes that someone out there remembered. Someone out there still believed. Someone out there had copied articles onto their website illegally and I could still read them. Instead, I found two very unusual things: archives at our old website www.cgonline.com, and Troy S. Goodfellow.

Troy and I used to both write for CGM and I was just tickled to see he was blogging out there somewhere. Check out his site at www.flashofsteel.com and if you’re a strategy gamer you can listen to his podcast Three Moves Ahead with actor Tom Chick who was Oscar’s boyfriend in The Office (he does other stuff, too, or so I hear), Julian Murdoch, and Bruce Geryk–another old CGM-er.

It’s really nice to scroll through old articles and remember some good times, shitty games I had to review, and great E3 interviews. I also recall the time I scammed my way into the behind-closed-doors area of the Nintendo booth at one E3. Or the time a Russian Developer gave me a bottle of Vodka–I shit you not.

It was the best of times, and it really was. Working right near home, and traveling far, far away. Who could want for more?

You read that right. I’m touching it. Fanboys fuck yourselves because everyone does NOT need a PS3.

Just because the price is $299 now and you already have an Xbox 360 and a Wii does not mean you now should own the PS3 to complete the holy trinity of this generation of consoles. For serious.

Now that you believe me, I’ll make sure you hear me out. Some people really ought to buy a PS3. If for example, you have your Metal Gear Solid Collector’s Edition Solid Snake Commemorative Plate stacked next to your hand-knit Sackboy and your enormous selection of Blu-ray discs and you DON’T own a PS3 you should post your address here so everyone knows whose house to rob. You should also update your health insurance. Trust me on this. You’ll need it.

Essentially it all boils down to The Games. You can argue all day long about how superior the hardware is–and win–because it’s true and I hate you, but the reality is that none of that matters. It could be the hardware lovechild of super-hot robot model chicks, Wayne Gretzky and Chuck Norris, then hatch from a New Egg and I still wouldn’t care. The thing might only play Shaq Fu and Zero Wing and that’s bullshit.

Bottom line: Do you need a Blu-ray player + you play videogames? Are there games on PS3 or the Playstation Network you absolutely know you want to play (and you can only play on PS3)? Do you already own another more dominant console? It’s your money.

It’s sexy, it’s sleek, it’s the fastest car on the block, but just don’t buy it because your penis is small. Ladies, you either! Get it because you can’t live without SOCOM, Little Big Planet, Valkyria Chronicles, MGS 4, Disgaea 3, and Resistance Fall of Man 1 and 2. Otherwise you’re going to be playing shit like Lair and Heavenly Sword. They’re not bad games, but are they worth $299?

No. They are fucking not.

Obviously this is in reference to the wildly popular Powerthirst video spilling all over youtube (for about two years now) like some kind of awesome plague. Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be great if instead of suffering a horrible death, you got a sweet plague where people all grew an extra set of thumbs or could burp strawberries? I know. Random.

But seriously! If people could dream we’d see some really great video games coming down the pipe. I know it’s a completely new idea to suggest that game developers allow imaginative titles to escape their programming grasp, so please be patient with my wacky new-fangled suggestion. I do want wacky ideas that look like they come from not only the smoking of crack, but the imbibing of alcoholic beverages, and living in Japan. True fact: Hideo Kojima lives in Japan. Not enough proof?

Let’s remember back to Katamari Damacy. Start that game up, watch the opening sequence. You think you’re seeing the badger badger mushroom flash cartoon with some kind of LSD add-on pack that was imbedded in your game case. You try to tell your gamer friends about it and they look at you like you’re a crazy person. “No seriously, this guy gets drunk and breaks the night sky. Yes, he’s the King, no you don’t kill anything. You just grab stuff in a ball.”

And that was a $20 game.

/em: pause for effect

Now, as you know Muramasa has just come out. You don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go watch the game trailer, and while you’re at it look up Bayonetta. Anyway, I haven’t played it just yet (still wearing down those fucking Rock Band achievements). But I will soon, and when I do, I plan to be blown away. Nay, amazed! I wouldn’t be surprised if that game made me pregnant.

400 Babies?

Cake-Pie is the answer to the most important question. Not 42. And not “Yes.” It is the natural evolution of food and especially of The Best Food. You should be unsurprised to find that when asked in the future “Which do you prefer? Cake or Pie?” your response is CAKE-PIE! If you want to know if Pirates or Ninja are better, well, you’re going to be pretty screwed because the jury is still out on that one.

This blog may feature Pirates or Ninja from time to time but is mostly not about them. I don’t care if you think my choice to capitalize those nouns is wrong, incorrect, or somehow damaging to grammar. I just properly spelled grammar, and because I can do that I have full liberty to meddle with style choices like CAPITAL LETTERS. Suck it!

It’s almost painful writing a first blog post, because right now you really have no incentive to read it, knowing nothing about me or what the hell I want to write. Or who the fuck writes like that. Really?! Mostly you will be able to follow along nicely if you like things like Pie or Cake, or if you’re a friend to geeks, nerds, dorks, or Star Trek fans. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

That was a rhetorical question.

If you look down the aisle at any grocery store line, you’re statistically looking at 40% more Star Trek fans than you think you are. We’re everywhere. Just saying.

I plan on keeping things interesting, but honest. Which explains all the swearing clever word choices I like to partake of. You may get to hear the latest story about how I did something cool to someone else while playing a videogame. Yes, cool. I don’t care how much they cried about it. Or maybe I’ll tell you the latest D&D joke. Btw, what did one Druid say to the other? Nothing, they were using Wild Shape. They just woofed.

I also plan to write up some occasional observations about random geek culture. Overall, these will be limited to my imagination. And as John Lennon says: “Reality leaves a lot to the imagination”.