Cake-Pie

I’m going to have a hard time writing this particular entry without including as many Godfather, Goodfellas, and Sopranos quotes as I know. Bonus points to you if you get the references after I’m done bastardizing them with Mafia Wars Sorority Life.

You read that right. And if you know anything about Facebook, you know yourself some Mafia Wars! But did you know there’s a similar game suited more appropriately for les femmes? Yus! You’ve probably seen their ads on Facebook and said to yourself: “No. Fucking. Way.” Well I am now House Mother of a growing Sorority Life family Sisterhood.

And for you, my audience, it doesn’t have to be my daughter’s wedding day for me to take the bullet, try this game, and then report back. I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see.

I’ve had a morbid curiosity with these Facebook apps ever since My Heroes Ability, which is a game that gives you superpowers that you use on your friends, enemies, and random mobs. It’s free to play, at the time it was pretty addictive (not too many great apps on Facebook back then) and you can, like, paint the future and stuff.

I’d made a specialty out of knowing my free MMO’s back in my Computer Games Magazine days, and naturally in my search I stumbled upon a lot of regular ole Flash games–some of them were very innovative. Even so, Facebook has some really great applications that trump a lot of the free MMO-style games on the web both then and now.

I love the instant gratification I get from playing on Facebook, how I can coerce certain male players into joining my Sorority House Cake PI (seriously awesome name for a sorority house.) I even created a Facebook group for my Sisters to meet up–and it has a Code of Conduct!

It’s like I’m a real House Mother, except that I’d probably be trying to have LESS women in my house than trying to have as many sisters as possible. So far it’s been fun! I’m a multi-millionaire, I have like two jets, two Escalades, a yacht, and probably hundreds of shoes. The best part? No extra carbon footprint! It’s like all the benefits of hoarding expensive goods without any drawbacks!

I don’t even pay for storage. Although I do pay upkeep costs.

Overall I never really dug Mafia Wars. It wasn’t because you had to friend hundreds of strangers to improve you chances of moving up the ladder. You do that in Sorority Life too. I guess I just don’t like violence. I’m a businesswoman. Blood is a big expense. I much prefer to spend my money on fabulous dresses, accessories, and hairstyles.

So join me in my evil ways. Be a part of my Sorority House Group Cake PI on facebook. You should be able to find me and friend me with “SL” in your message for a friend request.

Just don’t ever take sides with anyone against the House again. Ever.

It has recently come to my attention that the game magazine I used to work for (which is now sadly dead) is not buried, but somewhat zombie-like.

As you may know from reading my About page I used to be on staff at Computer Games Magazine, and when we launched our new gaming magazine MASSIVE (which turned into MMO Games due to another magazine named massive) I followed there as well. It was really awesome for every reason you can think of. I even got this free chair which everyone insists is a sex chair (but is clearly NOT). Bottom line: E3, Games, NON-sex chair, Meeting EVERYONE. It was sweet like pocky.

It all ended when CGM’s publisher got into trouble for spamming with another project completely unrelated to CGM or MMO Games Magazine. So you can imagine how sad we all were when we were told that the publisher lost the lawsuit, everyone had to leave, and the magazines were gone forever. I really did <3 CGM and the different voice we had in the game world. We had the largest female readership, and we had possibly the smartest reader’s letters.

I got all nostalgic and Googled: “computer games magazine” articles (then added) “tiffany martin” in the hopes that someone out there remembered. Someone out there still believed. Someone out there had copied articles onto their website illegally and I could still read them. Instead, I found two very unusual things: archives at our old website www.cgonline.com, and Troy S. Goodfellow.

Troy and I used to both write for CGM and I was just tickled to see he was blogging out there somewhere. Check out his site at www.flashofsteel.com and if you’re a strategy gamer you can listen to his podcast Three Moves Ahead with actor Tom Chick who was Oscar’s boyfriend in The Office (he does other stuff, too, or so I hear), Julian Murdoch, and Bruce Geryk–another old CGM-er.

It’s really nice to scroll through old articles and remember some good times, shitty games I had to review, and great E3 interviews. I also recall the time I scammed my way into the behind-closed-doors area of the Nintendo booth at one E3. Or the time a Russian Developer gave me a bottle of Vodka–I shit you not.

It was the best of times, and it really was. Working right near home, and traveling far, far away. Who could want for more?

This mess all started when I got addicted to the Playfish game Restaurant City which yes, is a facebook application.

I recall compiling games for an article (which I think turned into a handful of blurbs but I don’t remember) for the now defunct Computer Games Magazine and I wish I could find it but maybe you’ll have better luck? Anyway, there was a time when you got what you paid for. Now despite your sass–and I’m looking at J-man here–there are some quality games on facebook. The problem arises when you go looking online to maximize your experience, and find some pop up program/tracker/malware/terrorist that kills your computer and just shows you viagra.com and porn sites. Completely relevant to me, a female.

I was so super pissed that looking up layouts for Restaurant City tables was enough to get a bunch of garbage hacked onto my computer that I completely forgot about The Troops. It was a rookie mistake to shout expletives and then go watch House on DVR until I calmed down enough to try and fix it. In the end I did get that shit off of my computer completely and thoroughly. Yes. I. Did. Here’s how not to get fucked in the ass by stupid random whore programs and shitware that installs itself at every opportunity.

• I like lists. It’s a true fact. So starting with the first thing you need, this one is so fucking simple it hurts me to watch Mac commercials. GET MOZILLA FIREFOX. Most of your viruses, malware, trojans, tracking cookies, and pop ups are due to stupidly using Microsoft Internet Explorer.
• Next, this one is both useful, idiot-proof, and helps you extra special more. Install the Google Toolbar. You will have a utility that helps you Google all the time, but more importantly, you will be that much more protected because it has a pop up blocker.
• Spybot Search & Destroy and Lavasoft Ad-Aware are your two Champions against bullshit on your computer. Just scroll down (and if you haven’t noticed, all the programs I’m listing are completely free and work great). Unless you want to support the developers you can just figure out how to download them without paying anything. Every week or so you should run these scans, and make sure you check for updates. They GET RID of the trash on your machine. Gone. Baleeted.
• Now that you know how to get rid of trash, you should be able to clean what’s left over. It’s like irradiating your fridge after you clean out one-month-old moussaka, a dead body, and gardening refuse.  Here’s how: CCleaner! It uninstalls programs you can’t find the uninstall button for, it makes your registry all nice, lets you turn off programs that start themselves up when your computer does, and helps you when you’re getting rid of things that just do not belong. I assure you it is paramount to keeping your PC running without the pukey scent of slowdown.
• So  if you’re advanced (and at this point you are if you have all the other stuff installed) you can move on to AVG Antivirus which is both free, and not circumvented all the time like McAfee and Norton programs. Just keep it updated, scan your system if you get concerned, and all is well. You don’t need to pay for anti-virus software that is awesome.

This should get you started. I still don’t recommend fooling around on ad-supported sites that claim to know how to set you up with the best restaurant layout–I was weak and stupid–but thankfully, I was also prepared.