Cake-Pie

Well, my birthday wish did not come true: My Rock Band achievements have not been accomplished–YET!

The main hangup is even though the universe has sought to bless me with at LEAST four players who are Expert level Rock Band Drummers, not ONE of them can beat Dream Theater’s Panic Attack. I made a checklist of why this is bullshit.

• Three out of Four of these fuckers owns the Ion drumset. You don’t pay $300 for a set of plastic drums for a pretend band in a videogame if you do not KICK ASS, ie: have the ability to beat every song on expert. It is just not done.
• Everyone was whining about how hard Foo Fighters’ Everlong was, and then bragged all over the place about how now that they could beat Everlong they were complete as Expert pretend drummers. Apparently not!
• My friends who are real life actual drum players don’t play videogames. This could be because they’re practicing their music, but whatever. They’re not going to be able to beat Panic Attack either.

I also seem to only know three players who can play expert Guitar or Bass on every song. Which is fine, because I know about a half dozen more who can play Hard consistently and Expert on the easier songs. Since a lot of these people (like real guitar players in real life) are multi-classers they can take the load off of my High-level Drummers/Strings by helping out on easier songs. This increases my chances of success.

Coordinating all these people is going to be a challenge since for some reason many of them seem to have real jobs or something. Grabbing the six-eight people I want for true Platinum success as a real achievement is asking a lot when you need a minimum of 6 hours and 15 minutes to beat this setlist.

I still believe I can make it so. I’ll keep the updates on here. Once I get this achievement you will see some Cake-Pie fly. Which is a lot more awesome than pigs. No matter how many pigs you use.

This is my Moriarty. And for you literature people out there, The Final Problem.

You see, there’s this ancient and powerful artifact crafted by strange and powerful gods, it holds its user in its thrall, forcing them to succumb to its will, releasing its captives only when they complete their quest.

“You must beat all 84 songs on The Endless Setlist. I am Rock Band. You will OBEY.”

Naturally, when it comes to Xbox 360 games I’m an achievements whore. This means in order to get all the achievements I must follow orders. I must defeat the final boss: The Endless Setlist.

I have to do this on Expert. Because everyone knows (even you!) that games don’t begin until you play them on Expert. Problem is, gathering your party members together for the task.

First, you have non-traditional party members: you have a drummer, a bass player, a guitarist and a vocalist. The only spell you get is “Overdrive”, giving your whole party a boost to their attacks against the song. The great thing about collecting enough MP/Mana to use this spell is that it also doubles as a resurrection spell in case someone dies. It’s very useful, but with an absence of other spells and with limited weapons you have to be skilled enough to beat the boss with actual skill.

This is where Livingston and Pizza bribes come in.

“That’s a pretty sweet quest reward,” you might say. And it’s true! But the problem is, you also unlock extra achievements if you pull this shit off without pausing the game, disconnecting any controllers, or dying. So no peeing. Unless you’re really quick, or disgusting. And I have a rule in my house: no peeing outside of the designated potty. For fuck’s sake, ew.

Adding males to your party might make this easier, as Rock Band 1 suggests “When you’re in a rock band keep an empty bottle in the van. You’ll see.” Males do have the drawback of smelling pretty ripe after about 2-4 hours of Expert play.

I think the key here is adding the “Hey bitches, it’s my birthday tomorrow. You OWE me.” factor. Wait to see if it works! Wish me luck, unless you’re on my hitlist of friends who can play on Expert. Because then you should avoid drinking anything until Thursday.

I sure wish Dr. House knew how to play Rock Band.

Obviously this is in reference to the wildly popular Powerthirst video spilling all over youtube (for about two years now) like some kind of awesome plague. Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be great if instead of suffering a horrible death, you got a sweet plague where people all grew an extra set of thumbs or could burp strawberries? I know. Random.

But seriously! If people could dream we’d see some really great video games coming down the pipe. I know it’s a completely new idea to suggest that game developers allow imaginative titles to escape their programming grasp, so please be patient with my wacky new-fangled suggestion. I do want wacky ideas that look like they come from not only the smoking of crack, but the imbibing of alcoholic beverages, and living in Japan. True fact: Hideo Kojima lives in Japan. Not enough proof?

Let’s remember back to Katamari Damacy. Start that game up, watch the opening sequence. You think you’re seeing the badger badger mushroom flash cartoon with some kind of LSD add-on pack that was imbedded in your game case. You try to tell your gamer friends about it and they look at you like you’re a crazy person. “No seriously, this guy gets drunk and breaks the night sky. Yes, he’s the King, no you don’t kill anything. You just grab stuff in a ball.”

And that was a $20 game.

/em: pause for effect

Now, as you know Muramasa has just come out. You don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go watch the game trailer, and while you’re at it look up Bayonetta. Anyway, I haven’t played it just yet (still wearing down those fucking Rock Band achievements). But I will soon, and when I do, I plan to be blown away. Nay, amazed! I wouldn’t be surprised if that game made me pregnant.

400 Babies?