With the new season of Heroes interrupting my Mondays, my constant annoyance with shows like Fringe, and my happiness at the thought of new comic book films, I am always debating which awesome superpower I want.
It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.
Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.
- “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.
- “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.
- “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.
- “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.
- “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.
I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!