So it happens sometimes that I do things that confuse other people.

I don’t understand it either, but roll with me.

You have certain people who are “cuspers” in the nerd community. They like watching Big Bang Theory, or programming Pop Tart calendars (so they never eat the same flavor in the same week) but they have no fucking clue what Magic: the Gathering is.

Sometimes you’ll be doing something like rolling a character for your new D&D campaign and one of these Cuspers will look at you and say “Why the fuck do you have so many dice?” You’ll want to explain, but you run into a problem. It would take forever, they’d get bored, and they’d still be confused. I call this a lose-loser situation (of course, you get to be the loser).

If they really want to know something, teach them. I’m not saying be an asshole! But for the love of Gygax if they say “Hur, what is Magic the Gathering?” don’t start explaining The Stack. For example, this website includes an explanation of The Stack, a flash demonstration and an additional FAQ page, just to tell y0u how this one mechanic of M:tG works. You seriously want to start that with someone who doesn’t know the difference between a lifetotal die and an elf counter?

So I go to PAX East, which is like a constant nerdgasm. I get back and can’t wait to talk about every stupid thing that happened while I was there. I even wore the sweet USB bracelet I got from Wizards of the Coast with their new demo on it. Even though I haven’t played Magic in forever (my cards are in boxes) it reminded me of how addicted to that shit I was. I think once and addict, always an addict. But instead of pulling humongous boxes out of my closet, I download the Xbox Live Arcade version of M:tG (because HOLY CRAP why didn’t I already own it?!!).  I’m swearing at imaginary players and talking shit about their imaginary moms (offline play), when Cusper asks me The Question.

Cusper: [noticing gratuitous swearing] “WTF are you playing?”

Me: “Magic: the Gathering.”

Cusper: “How do you play that?”

It’s moments like this that make me want to pull decks and teach. But Cusper doesn’t really want me to teach him. In fact, I don’t think he wants me to really answer him.  So I’m all: “It’s like Yu-Gi-Oh! only for adults.”

I get the blank stare. Then I go for it: “I’m swearing because I’m unable to take out the dumb shit in this deck for the awesome shit I’m unlocking, and now this stupid burn deck is raping my grandmother. If this were real M:tG I’d have a sweet deck and fuck this burn deck up its ass with a plastic fork.”

I’m just digging the hole deeper and I know it. So then I just say “I’m a Planeswalker. It’s like being a God. That stuff is MY land. It obeys me. And I kill the other player with magical spells and creatures because I’m an asshole.”

This explanation seemed good enough for Cusper.

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Posted by Cake-Pie
Dated: 13th April 2010
Filled Under: Games, Old