Ladies, we all know how much sexier Zachary Quinto is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie than creepy mother-fucker Sylar on Heroes. There’s a reason: Spock is far more datable than Sylar. That much is obvious. But how datable is Spock himself? I explore this strange, new concept through anecdote and my own clever deductions.
Now I had to look it up, but I remember the episode where Spock was captured by Nazis and tortured for information about the Enterprise shirtless. I know it was like a million years ago when that episode was filmed (or technically, hundreds of years in the future), but Spock was showing off his man-pecs effectively enough to ensure his hottie status. The episode is called “Patterns of Force” from the original series if you want to see what I mean. No manscaping back then, but he looks better than Kirk–who is shirtless in like 20% of Star Trek episodes. He also looks better than Will Riker from The Next Generation. Suck it, Will Riker.
Next: Spock’s sensitive! I know you’re about to argue me on this because “Blah, blah, Vulcans hate emotions, blah, blah”, but we all know how happy he was when he was infected with Omicron Spores and got to live in paradise and even confessed his love to the botanist chicky during this time–before Kirk (who was unaffected) ruined it for everyone. This episode is called “This Side of Paradise” because it was.
Before that Spock expressed something like actual joy when his betrothed skank T’Pring made him and Kirk fight to the death while Spock was all plak tow-ed. Spock thought he killed Kirk only to find it was a ruse that Kirk and McCoy planned in order to save the captain. He was all “JIM!!!” and stuff. That’s Vulcan for “Holy shit, man! I’m filled with delight”.
He also plays the Vulcan Lute. Chicks love musicians.
Girls also love witty quips from emotionally unavailable guys, so there you have two full demographics of female wants completely covered with Spock. Girls who want innocent, sensitive men; and psychos who want emotionally unavailable smartasses.
He lives a lot longer and healthier than normal men, since he’s half-Vulcan, and if you can keep him in the spores, he’s pretty much the nicest, smartest guy ever.
He’d be totally datable and he’s very loyal–as exhibited on the Enterprise in probably 70% of episodes. He’s unlikely to cheat (except for cheating death) because he doesn’t lie. And chances are high that he doesn’t have the herpes.
I have to down-rate him for his completely ridiculous adoration for both Star Fleet and Captain Kirk. You should always come first, ladies, no matter if he’s in his pon farr or not. There’s also the chance that he’s more into guys than girls. Good news for military gays!! This makes him way more datable to you. Bad news for creatures with vaginas that are NOT Captain Kirk.
Points off for his potential crush on Kirk, his obsession with Star Fleet over anything ever, and his 7-year wait for pon farr. Of course, if you can just hit him with spores, none of that will matter! He’ll be happy too, so you don’t have to feel like a poisoning psycho bitch. About his time infected he later reflects that this was the first time in his life at which he had felt happy.
Overall, I’d give Mr. Spock 4 Cake-Pies out of 5 for datability. Did I mention Vulcans have two sets of eyelids? Well, they do.