I should probably just eat this and shut the hell up.

 
Now what? Well, “Can I bring my own food?” Your partner says, “Egad! Were you raised by wolves? No, no, no! That’s super insulting!”
 
Lastly, “Well fuck those guys!” “Sadly I won’t be able to go, it seems your family rules are too inflexible. Perhaps I can take your parents out to dinner sometime instead. I’d love to meet them after all.” BAM.
 
“What the heck,” you might say, “I thought I was already at the house eating their crummy food; this didn’t help at all.” Well, what’s the point of giving you some tactic to cope with the bad choice you made to begin with when instead I can show you the rules to the game? Besides, the scenario is only hypothetical, so no parents were harmed by it. The deal is, saying anything at the parent’s house when you’re already there is just reacting and nothing more. It’s more effective to hop in and understand a situation before you get into it. This can sometimes take guts. I mean, look back at what I was asking your theoretical beloved. I bet there are some relationships where those questions would be fighting words (sadly).
 
In any situation where we know less than we feel comfortable with yet we’re expected to make an important decision we have a delicious recipe for stress. Typically, we accept this as our fate. A partber asks us to go to their parent’s for dinner, and even though it’s scary we rationalize, “But I have to go, so I have to just say yes.” You’re guessing that yes is the only thing you can say here. In fact, you have another option: Asking questions. “Do I have to wear a tie?” Maybe you think you have to, but you’re not sure, so this is something you should ask (and expect an honest answer). I think sometimes if you do this guessing crap a lot, you probably attracted another guesser, so that person might just say, “No, of course you should wear whatever you want,” (even if you’ll be bled to death by leeches if you fail to wear a tie) which sucks, honestly, but that’s an issue outside the scope of this article.
 
But what to ask? How do you know what you should ask to prevent disasters? Anything you feel nervous or uncomfortable not knowing about, you should ask. This can sometimes take work and practice, so obviously you’ll mess it up sometimes when you start doing this. “Do your parents hate fat people like me? Do I deserve to eat? Is this a chance for your family to mock me?” are unreasonable shit questions that have more to do with yourself than anything to do with the parents. That doesn’t mean your fears are stupid, you can use the fear to ask excellent questions: “Dearest, if I get too overwhelmed by your terrifying parents and I have to leave with a really great exit excuse will you be mad at me?” or “If your parents hate me what will that mean for you and me?” These are totally legit and if they’re on your mind, failing to ask will cause you tons of stress. And chances are, the answer they give you will be favorable. When that happens you get to prevent unnecessary stress for everyone, and all you had to do was ask a question.

This deal gives free shipping for any $15+ purchase with the code MOM2012 until midnight Sunday 13th (TODAY!).

Some exciting highlights:

ELF 4-piece nail color set

I don’t know if you guys could guess, but I really love pink. I don’t own these yet, though I did order them from this sale. These “ELF 4-piece nail color” polishes are in great trending shades, and for $5 it’s worth it to me to see if they look good on my actual hands. On the ELF site their user reviews amount to a 4.3/5 which is a high enough number that I won’t question the product’s feeding habits. It’s also a great selection for both spring and summer!

ELF Luscious Liquid Lipstick

 
ELF luscious liquid lipstick might be my favorite ELF product out of all the ones I’ve tried (I have “Raspberry” and “Perfect Pink”). They apply a nice amount of color in shades I actually want on my face, and they’re the right amount of glossy. You can’t screw these up, even if you don’t use a mirror when applying (so they’re great to put in your pocket for reapplying after food consumption). They’re not “long lasting” or any other such crap but who cares? They cost $1. It’s a good price if you want a lipstick you can wear, if you want to try colors out without wasting a lot of money, or if you think they might be delicious (they might be!). Site reviews are 4.3/5 for this one.

But really, there’s not much on this site that doesn’t have the potential to be a “deal” since it’s all pretty cheap. You might easily ring up $15 just to try out all the colors of a particular makeup. Other good purchases for me were the ELF Conditioning Lip Balm SPF 15 (Mellow Melon, Peaceful Pink) but I can’t apply these nicely without a lipstick brush (they look smudgy and need the support of a good lip line); ELF Blush (Pink Passion, Twinkle Pink, Gotta Glow) which is a little chalky but it doesn’t make them ugly, and they are really nice colors (I use Gotta Glow as a highlighter–works great for me); and I also really like the ELF Glossy Gloss (from the Department of Redundancy Department) which I have in only one color “Ballet Slippers”, it tastes pretty delicious and so it doesn’t wear long on me, but I think the color is sweet, though not my favorite ELF product. If you’re close to $15 and don’t know what to buy, they also have makeup brushes and makeup remover wipes (which rule when you’re like UGH it’s late I’m not taking off my freaking makeup I need to sleep NOW–oh wait I can use these wipey things and then I’m done).

20% off with coupon code 75851

Ulta is a beauty store chain (another one we don’t have in Vermont) but again, I’ve ordered from them online before. This sale is a glorious “buy 2 get 2″ special, meaning for some items you can get sick deals (4 lipsticks for $8). You don’t have to buy the same items, so you can get a lipstick, a blush, a eyeliner, and an eyelash curler and the deal won’t care–the cheapest 2 qualifying items become free. The bad news is I am not sure how long it’s going on for (but most of these types last through the month). You can also use a coupon code 75851 on your order to get 20% one single item. Anyway, Happy Mother’s Day!

Ulta Lipstick

As I mentioned their buy 2 get 2 rules here. Lipstick is usually $8 (never bought one before), but now they’re half off and b2g2. That’s like 4 for 1. The user ratings for this on their site are a 3.9/5 which isn’t bad considering a lot of people downrate just because they picked a color that didn’t look good on them. I have added these to my basket.

Ulta Extreme Wear Cheek Stain

I’m not sure you’d want to actually buy 4 of these, but at $5 they’re pretty cheap, and you can easily find something else to get for free. These have no user ratings yet, as I think they’re pretty new. If you’ve tried them let me know what you think. These could be a dupe for Tarte’s Cheek Stains.

Ulta Eyeshadow

Most of the eyeshadows I own are from Urban Decay, which rules because they have good stuff but they’re very expensive. I wanted to try the Ulta brand eyeshadow for a while now, but never had incentive. These have a 4.1/5 user rating on the site, and I am pleased to say these are added to my cart. Four for $6? Yes, please.

Free Ulta Beauty Basket

He very much wants to kill you

Censored and banned all over the place when it was released for the PC in 1997 (and not just based on this amazing cover art) Carmageddon still managed to wow gamer audiences and drove itself into sequel: Carmageddon 2: Carpocalypse Now.

Now I’m not just impressed by a game’s controversy. If you’ve actually played Carmageddon (please not on the N64) you know its glory. This game is just so good. I mean, you can run over people, you can do sweet tricks with the various ramps, you can race like a care bear and try not to die trying to place first, or you can just try to kill your opponents. In C2 you can make all the people have really huge heads.  It’s magic.

Sadly, like many classic games, this is not the kind of thing you can go back to play. So you have somewhat of a vague understanding of why I’m really glad to see a Kickstarter for this classic death racing game, here’s the best part: $15 buys you this game when it’s out.

Other than Stainless having a pretty good sense of humor, I feel inspired by the fact that they claim to have already invested a quarter of a million into this project of their own money. I like that they are willing to bleed for this game, because blood seems to be a special ingredient for making a good Carmageddon. I mean, with a lot of old fans like me wanting to see this work, they have to be able to deliver. Otherwise someone could drive a car through their house out of spite or something. I mean, fans are jerks (ask BioWare), and I’d hate it if something made Jack Thompson right. Basically what I’m saying is: Stainless Games, you can’t disappoint rabid Car Killing game fans. You just can’t. They’re savages (probably).

Also, I want to play a good game, and isn’t what I want just so important? SOOOOO IMPORTANT!!

We do tend to give credit to the game that makes the concept popular, which isn’t always the original, and really if you keep digging you’ll find that even BAM isn’t the first because in some ways earlier games encompassed Roguelike characteristics or were created for obscure platforms. But guys, I said I was laying down the law here, and unless someone can convince me otherwise then I’m officially calling BAM the first Roguelike.

So, blah blah Roguelike, what the heck is it?

Generally, a Roguelike is defined by some pretty specific stuff, but as for me, I’d call a game roguelike if it met a general feel or enough boxes on a list. It’s best if we make such a list, don’t you think?

• Randomization: The game will offer dungeons where the maps are different every time you play. This doesn’t have to mean every map is different (special levels, scripted events, and world maps get a free pass) but in general you can’t win by remembering where things are from last time you played. If that weren’t enough, some games randomize items, spells, weapons, and more. By that I mean if you pick up a blue potion, you will have no idea what it does. It could be a potion of “gain an extra limb”, or a potion of “kill you immediately”. All of your weapons could be +1, -1, or -30 and cursed.

• Permadeath: It means business. If the game lets you play again after you die (from where you were) and lets you keep your crap you found in the dungeon then it’s missing a key feature that makes a true Roguelike. Of course, this does not apply to in-game features like amulets of life saving, “bring me back to life” spells, or extra lives earned from doing things. It also does not apply to saving the game, not dying, and then hopping back in the game to win it for the team. I’ve played some games with other features besides the dungeon, so you could still keep playing and re-enter the dungeon after dying inside. This is cool by me too, as long as you don’t get to take anything with you.

• Turn-based Combat: I don’t think I’ve played a game that I would consider a Roguelike that has real-time combat (okay, so an exception for Diablo II on hardcore or Dark Cloud does apply here), and while I would not call it disqualifying for a game to NOT be turn-based, the turn-based combat can serve to include a game classically into the genre. In addition, I am not opposed to games bucking the trend and still being a total Roguelike. Progress and all.

• Ascension: Basically the reason for playing. In many games, you start at the top or bottom of a dungeon, and your goal is to either ascend to the top and get out; or descend, grab something, and then make it out to the top again. Other variations apply, like “defeating” various dungeons until you’ve won, or other such variations. Classically, ascension is the word used to describe winning a Roguelike (i.e. I ascended in Nethack).

Those are some classic definitions, so here are some of my own:

• Tactical Thinking: Roguelikes are truly strategy games, and so in that vein they should force you to think cleverly. If that just means good item decisions and escape techniques, then so be it. If that means leveling up your pets and painstakingly farming enemies until you can take on harder levels then even better. I love those agonizing choices where you have to figure out if you should try that blue potion out of desperation or attack the monster and pray that he doesn’t turn you to stone. When failure really feels this severe it makes your choices all the more important.

• Phat Loots: While technically not a requirement, games should have lots of STUFF to collect, identify, use or abuse. I mean, if you’re walking around a dungeon with no items then it’s a crappy dungeon and shame on the game developer. Roguelikes should be veritable cornucopias of crap: scrolls of cancellation, potions of acid, helms of greater strength, wizard hats, and possibly cans of Grue meat. Many games limit what you can carry but that’s just fine as long as you can find a lot of stuff.

• Monsters: Dungeons are loaded with stuff to kill. Kill it, take its stuff/exp/gold/zorkmids etc. and use it to build a better chance to ascend.

• Dungeon Levels: Can’t ascend if there’s nowhere to go. Even in games where there isn’t a “one main dungeon” you should be able to continue down or up until you’re through a dungeon. Without this, it feels like a “level” instead of a dungeon.

• Frequent death: You should be dying a lot. All the time. On fire. If you aren’t, the game should be making it really hard for you to win/get awesome stuff, or you’re really, really clever (yeah, right). There should be so many deaths your character has no more identity and is just another pawn in your desperate attempt to conquer.

Now I’m an expert, right? How do I start playing these? 

Oh you want to play one? Awesome! These games can be so rewarding and engaging! But first know this: you will die. A lot. Often. Doesn’t matter. Do not expect to beat a Roguelike in a year, two years, or ever. If you do beat it, gloat and share your ascension (with pics) with all the world because you earned it.

Most of these games take a long time to learn, but of course after you’ve learned a few there are enough features in common that it makes it easier to learn the next one.

A great starting Roguelike would be Dungeons of Dredmor, (which is something you can pick up on Steam for like $5), it will let you die over and over like you’re supposed to, but it’s easy to learn, has a graphical interface (many Roguelikes are in old-school ASCII or have tilesets for graphics), and tons of versatility. Plus lots of stuff named after nerd culture.

If you don’t roll that way and you want to try something stupid, hard, and likely to discourage you with its complexity, might I recommend the classic Nethack? It’s free, requires you to read manuals, has a number of unintuitive commands available, and there are 50 floors + a bunch of non-dungeon floors. It’s grind-heavy, merciless, complicated, and very big. It’s a very good example of the genre, and it’s perfect for nerdy intellectual types who whine that “Myst games are too easy”. Also an excellent choice if you liked Demon’s Souls (i.e. dying all the time).