Cake-Pie

This mess all started when I got addicted to the Playfish game Restaurant City which yes, is a facebook application.

I recall compiling games for an article (which I think turned into a handful of blurbs but I don’t remember) for the now defunct Computer Games Magazine and I wish I could find it but maybe you’ll have better luck? Anyway, there was a time when you got what you paid for. Now despite your sass–and I’m looking at J-man here–there are some quality games on facebook. The problem arises when you go looking online to maximize your experience, and find some pop up program/tracker/malware/terrorist that kills your computer and just shows you viagra.com and porn sites. Completely relevant to me, a female.

I was so super pissed that looking up layouts for Restaurant City tables was enough to get a bunch of garbage hacked onto my computer that I completely forgot about The Troops. It was a rookie mistake to shout expletives and then go watch House on DVR until I calmed down enough to try and fix it. In the end I did get that shit off of my computer completely and thoroughly. Yes. I. Did. Here’s how not to get fucked in the ass by stupid random whore programs and shitware that installs itself at every opportunity.

• I like lists. It’s a true fact. So starting with the first thing you need, this one is so fucking simple it hurts me to watch Mac commercials. GET MOZILLA FIREFOX. Most of your viruses, malware, trojans, tracking cookies, and pop ups are due to stupidly using Microsoft Internet Explorer.
• Next, this one is both useful, idiot-proof, and helps you extra special more. Install the Google Toolbar. You will have a utility that helps you Google all the time, but more importantly, you will be that much more protected because it has a pop up blocker.
• Spybot Search & Destroy and Lavasoft Ad-Aware are your two Champions against bullshit on your computer. Just scroll down (and if you haven’t noticed, all the programs I’m listing are completely free and work great). Unless you want to support the developers you can just figure out how to download them without paying anything. Every week or so you should run these scans, and make sure you check for updates. They GET RID of the trash on your machine. Gone. Baleeted.
• Now that you know how to get rid of trash, you should be able to clean what’s left over. It’s like irradiating your fridge after you clean out one-month-old moussaka, a dead body, and gardening refuse.  Here’s how: CCleaner! It uninstalls programs you can’t find the uninstall button for, it makes your registry all nice, lets you turn off programs that start themselves up when your computer does, and helps you when you’re getting rid of things that just do not belong. I assure you it is paramount to keeping your PC running without the pukey scent of slowdown.
• So  if you’re advanced (and at this point you are if you have all the other stuff installed) you can move on to AVG Antivirus which is both free, and not circumvented all the time like McAfee and Norton programs. Just keep it updated, scan your system if you get concerned, and all is well. You don’t need to pay for anti-virus software that is awesome.

This should get you started. I still don’t recommend fooling around on ad-supported sites that claim to know how to set you up with the best restaurant layout–I was weak and stupid–but thankfully, I was also prepared.

You read that right. I’m touching it. Fanboys fuck yourselves because everyone does NOT need a PS3.

Just because the price is $299 now and you already have an Xbox 360 and a Wii does not mean you now should own the PS3 to complete the holy trinity of this generation of consoles. For serious.

Now that you believe me, I’ll make sure you hear me out. Some people really ought to buy a PS3. If for example, you have your Metal Gear Solid Collector’s Edition Solid Snake Commemorative Plate stacked next to your hand-knit Sackboy and your enormous selection of Blu-ray discs and you DON’T own a PS3 you should post your address here so everyone knows whose house to rob. You should also update your health insurance. Trust me on this. You’ll need it.

Essentially it all boils down to The Games. You can argue all day long about how superior the hardware is–and win–because it’s true and I hate you, but the reality is that none of that matters. It could be the hardware lovechild of super-hot robot model chicks, Wayne Gretzky and Chuck Norris, then hatch from a New Egg and I still wouldn’t care. The thing might only play Shaq Fu and Zero Wing and that’s bullshit.

Bottom line: Do you need a Blu-ray player + you play videogames? Are there games on PS3 or the Playstation Network you absolutely know you want to play (and you can only play on PS3)? Do you already own another more dominant console? It’s your money.

It’s sexy, it’s sleek, it’s the fastest car on the block, but just don’t buy it because your penis is small. Ladies, you either! Get it because you can’t live without SOCOM, Little Big Planet, Valkyria Chronicles, MGS 4, Disgaea 3, and Resistance Fall of Man 1 and 2. Otherwise you’re going to be playing shit like Lair and Heavenly Sword. They’re not bad games, but are they worth $299?

No. They are fucking not.

Well, my birthday wish did not come true: My Rock Band achievements have not been accomplished–YET!

The main hangup is even though the universe has sought to bless me with at LEAST four players who are Expert level Rock Band Drummers, not ONE of them can beat Dream Theater’s Panic Attack. I made a checklist of why this is bullshit.

• Three out of Four of these fuckers owns the Ion drumset. You don’t pay $300 for a set of plastic drums for a pretend band in a videogame if you do not KICK ASS, ie: have the ability to beat every song on expert. It is just not done.
• Everyone was whining about how hard Foo Fighters’ Everlong was, and then bragged all over the place about how now that they could beat Everlong they were complete as Expert pretend drummers. Apparently not!
• My friends who are real life actual drum players don’t play videogames. This could be because they’re practicing their music, but whatever. They’re not going to be able to beat Panic Attack either.

I also seem to only know three players who can play expert Guitar or Bass on every song. Which is fine, because I know about a half dozen more who can play Hard consistently and Expert on the easier songs. Since a lot of these people (like real guitar players in real life) are multi-classers they can take the load off of my High-level Drummers/Strings by helping out on easier songs. This increases my chances of success.

Coordinating all these people is going to be a challenge since for some reason many of them seem to have real jobs or something. Grabbing the six-eight people I want for true Platinum success as a real achievement is asking a lot when you need a minimum of 6 hours and 15 minutes to beat this setlist.

I still believe I can make it so. I’ll keep the updates on here. Once I get this achievement you will see some Cake-Pie fly. Which is a lot more awesome than pigs. No matter how many pigs you use.

This is my Moriarty. And for you literature people out there, The Final Problem.

You see, there’s this ancient and powerful artifact crafted by strange and powerful gods, it holds its user in its thrall, forcing them to succumb to its will, releasing its captives only when they complete their quest.

“You must beat all 84 songs on The Endless Setlist. I am Rock Band. You will OBEY.”

Naturally, when it comes to Xbox 360 games I’m an achievements whore. This means in order to get all the achievements I must follow orders. I must defeat the final boss: The Endless Setlist.

I have to do this on Expert. Because everyone knows (even you!) that games don’t begin until you play them on Expert. Problem is, gathering your party members together for the task.

First, you have non-traditional party members: you have a drummer, a bass player, a guitarist and a vocalist. The only spell you get is “Overdrive”, giving your whole party a boost to their attacks against the song. The great thing about collecting enough MP/Mana to use this spell is that it also doubles as a resurrection spell in case someone dies. It’s very useful, but with an absence of other spells and with limited weapons you have to be skilled enough to beat the boss with actual skill.

This is where Livingston and Pizza bribes come in.

“That’s a pretty sweet quest reward,” you might say. And it’s true! But the problem is, you also unlock extra achievements if you pull this shit off without pausing the game, disconnecting any controllers, or dying. So no peeing. Unless you’re really quick, or disgusting. And I have a rule in my house: no peeing outside of the designated potty. For fuck’s sake, ew.

Adding males to your party might make this easier, as Rock Band 1 suggests “When you’re in a rock band keep an empty bottle in the van. You’ll see.” Males do have the drawback of smelling pretty ripe after about 2-4 hours of Expert play.

I think the key here is adding the “Hey bitches, it’s my birthday tomorrow. You OWE me.” factor. Wait to see if it works! Wish me luck, unless you’re on my hitlist of friends who can play on Expert. Because then you should avoid drinking anything until Thursday.

I sure wish Dr. House knew how to play Rock Band.

Obviously this is in reference to the wildly popular Powerthirst video spilling all over youtube (for about two years now) like some kind of awesome plague. Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be great if instead of suffering a horrible death, you got a sweet plague where people all grew an extra set of thumbs or could burp strawberries? I know. Random.

But seriously! If people could dream we’d see some really great video games coming down the pipe. I know it’s a completely new idea to suggest that game developers allow imaginative titles to escape their programming grasp, so please be patient with my wacky new-fangled suggestion. I do want wacky ideas that look like they come from not only the smoking of crack, but the imbibing of alcoholic beverages, and living in Japan. True fact: Hideo Kojima lives in Japan. Not enough proof?

Let’s remember back to Katamari Damacy. Start that game up, watch the opening sequence. You think you’re seeing the badger badger mushroom flash cartoon with some kind of LSD add-on pack that was imbedded in your game case. You try to tell your gamer friends about it and they look at you like you’re a crazy person. “No seriously, this guy gets drunk and breaks the night sky. Yes, he’s the King, no you don’t kill anything. You just grab stuff in a ball.”

And that was a $20 game.

/em: pause for effect

Now, as you know Muramasa has just come out. You don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go watch the game trailer, and while you’re at it look up Bayonetta. Anyway, I haven’t played it just yet (still wearing down those fucking Rock Band achievements). But I will soon, and when I do, I plan to be blown away. Nay, amazed! I wouldn’t be surprised if that game made me pregnant.

400 Babies?

Ouch. I know.

But for the first time in history we have definitive proof that there is no all-seeing, all-knowing, loving, world/universe creator many religions refer to as God. Instead, there’s Disney.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. And it’s not just because of the mind reading devices I have installed in your brains. Or the key-loggers on your computers. It’s because it’s fucking obvious: “What’s up with the blasphemy!?” “Why would anyone hate on Disney!?” Obviously you’re not paying attention.

Disney not only killed Bambi’s mother just to make you cry, it also recently bought Marvel.

In the Disney Universe they do what they do very well. They take stories other people write, or find shit from folklore–like Lilo and Stitch for example–and mold it into their own vision: The historic tale of an alien misidentified as a dog living in Hawaii with possibly the awesomest child ever, and the tale of their eternal friendship, hi-jinks, and Elvis impersonations. If you think I’m making this shit up, remember: Disney did it first.

Now that I’ve kissed a little Disney ass for all the childhood entertainment I’ve gained from them (largely as a fully-grown adult, strangely), I am going to tell you why this company is going to turn everyone into atheists. I am going to do this in great detail. Those of you who already know about Marvel’s new Big Poppa have been avoiding thoughts of what’s to come, the possible changes to be made–and your natural fears surrounding them. I know this, and I’m still going to express every one of them… why? Just to make you cry. After all, it’s what Disney would want.

Assuming you know who Spider-Man is, you know that he’s already fucked. They kill him off every other issue, and there are multiple Spideyverses. Just try and keep up. Let’s not waste any more time crushing this franchise. Even if you were optimistic enough to enjoy the films, (hail, Willem Dafoe!) you can’t be happy knowing what bullshit they’re going to do when Sam Raimi is taken off the project when Disney asks to return Spider-Man to the lighthearted superhero of never. He’s just too dark, they’d say.

Then someone at Disney realizes they now own Wolverine. Oh. My. Fuck. And they thought Spidey was dark? He had a moral ambiguity? Yuh, sure, kid. Meet your maker. Wolverine kills everybody. Hey, maybe they’ll let Wolverine kill Spidey! And then he’ll wander around as a helpful spirit mascot to lend his advice and side-kick humor to the rest of the Marvel Universe.

Even better, maybe they’ll tame him. Hear me out. Wolverine mysteriously disappears with no explanation given and maybe a vague kidnapping scene. His absence is the key topic of interest among the other X-men, including the clone of Jean Grey. It turns out there is a new mutant with the power to reverse other mutant abilities, and he kidnapped Wolverine with some thready incentive and now Wolverine is normal. He keeps the adamantium, but is no longer indestructible. He’s so happy about this (for no reason) that now he’s that jovial old uncle that used to be in a biker gang (but he’s cool now!) and quips cleverly every so often as a side character to the more morally perfect Cyclops. Because ever since he had his regeneration taken away he’s been best friends with Cyclops. They play checkers and shit now.

It gets worse. Now you see, they also own Iron Man: a drunk, lady-fucker with a robot house and a slave. And by slave I don’t mean the robot house. I’m talking about Pepper, obviously. Good bye to that shit. He cleans up, marries Pepper, and goes into the checkers club with Cyclops and Wolverine.

Basically, any God that loves us would never allow this to happen. And naturally, since God’s rivals (usually Satan) are such haters, you know they love Marvel too, so they’re not involved in this bullshit. It’s the only explanation for what has now happened and cannot be undone.

Please, Disney, repent of your ways and sell the god-damned franchise to someone else. Maybe Costco? Ben & Jerry’s? Magneto?

Cake-Pie is the answer to the most important question. Not 42. And not “Yes.” It is the natural evolution of food and especially of The Best Food. You should be unsurprised to find that when asked in the future “Which do you prefer? Cake or Pie?” your response is CAKE-PIE! If you want to know if Pirates or Ninja are better, well, you’re going to be pretty screwed because the jury is still out on that one.

This blog may feature Pirates or Ninja from time to time but is mostly not about them. I don’t care if you think my choice to capitalize those nouns is wrong, incorrect, or somehow damaging to grammar. I just properly spelled grammar, and because I can do that I have full liberty to meddle with style choices like CAPITAL LETTERS. Suck it!

It’s almost painful writing a first blog post, because right now you really have no incentive to read it, knowing nothing about me or what the hell I want to write. Or who the fuck writes like that. Really?! Mostly you will be able to follow along nicely if you like things like Pie or Cake, or if you’re a friend to geeks, nerds, dorks, or Star Trek fans. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

That was a rhetorical question.

If you look down the aisle at any grocery store line, you’re statistically looking at 40% more Star Trek fans than you think you are. We’re everywhere. Just saying.

I plan on keeping things interesting, but honest. Which explains all the swearing clever word choices I like to partake of. You may get to hear the latest story about how I did something cool to someone else while playing a videogame. Yes, cool. I don’t care how much they cried about it. Or maybe I’ll tell you the latest D&D joke. Btw, what did one Druid say to the other? Nothing, they were using Wild Shape. They just woofed.

I also plan to write up some occasional observations about random geek culture. Overall, these will be limited to my imagination. And as John Lennon says: “Reality leaves a lot to the imagination”.