Cake-Pie

I knew that the really cool plans that I laid out in my pre-pax schedule were subject to change, and they did!

Thursday: Joe Kozachek drove us from Burlington, Vermont and while he drove, I worked really hard at looking at stuff. We made it to Cambridge around 5:30ish where I took the Green Line from the Science Center to my destination: HYNES! Obejective: Make it to my Gameshark dinner with Troy Goodfellow, Jenn Cutter, Meghan Watt, and Rob Zacny, PLUS have time to grab my media badge for tomorrow. I was really excited to meet Troy and Jenn for the first time IRL. Troy and I used to write for CGM back in the days of yore, and I also guested on his podcast about the gender gap with Jenn Cutter and Lara Crigger.

My mission was a complete success thanks to Jenn, and I even conquered my insanely humongous bar meal which was really messy. I’m pretty sure I grossed everyone out. We saw a number of pre-PAX East nerds sporting POKEMON stuff, which made Jenn visibly squee. You see, Jenn <3’s Pokemons.

Next, I had to navigate the T system and make it to Cambridge, where the generous Ben Webster of MIT became my hospitable host. He was extremely thoughtful and gracious about me staying at his place with really short notice. Thank you, Sir Webster!

Friday: Welcome to the CLUSTERFUCK. I slept in, donned my Kombo.com shirt like I promised, and showed up to the Hynes about an hour or so early. There was an entire room devoted to the queue. To put that in perspective, imagine the lines at Disney. Now imagine you put all the lines from all the rides together, and you’re in a big room. These guys aren’t even in the queue room. That’s how packed this was. There was a line just to queue. Thankfully, there was queue entertainment which was freaking awesome. I was looking for a video online and didn’t find any, so let me know if you see it.

Went to the Journalists vs Devs: The Ultimate Grudge Match at 2pm featuring panelists Tim Gerritsen (Director of Product Development, Irrational Games), Chris Kohler (Editor, Games, Wired.com), John Drake (Publicist, Harmonix), Patrick Klepek (News Editor, G4), and moderating Jeff Green (Editor-in-Chief, EA). Patrick Klepek was representing the writers well, and probably reading my mind. Also, Jeff was kindof doing a weird not-journalist/not-dev hybrid thing as the host. Something about that sounds familiar but I’m not sure why.

It was great to see Jeff, and we had a few minutes to bond over our dead magazines before running away from the enforcers and Jeff’s adoring fans. We all support you! PS: Jeff Green has balls of steel.

Afterward, there was no way I was getting into the 3pm keynote hosted by Wil Wheaton. I was too late getting out of the panel to wait in the line to get in, which I suspected would happen. So instead I took a look around the Expo floor, and made mental notes about where I would focus my attention. I spoke to devs and others about their games, and miraculously forgot to bring my business cards to the show that day. Which was awesome, because I couldn’t give anyone anything to contact me with.

After futzing for a while around the Expo, I got texts inviting me to meet up with Jenn Cutter’s old buddies at G4 (formerly the superb TechTV) where Jenn used to work. We asked some hot firemen with cool Boston accents how to get to the TC Lounge, fulfilling one of Jenn Cutter’s life goals of hearing an authentic Boston accent. It was a hole in the wall, nearly empty, and strangely decorated with naked ladies and one of those claw arcade games with prizes—only all the prizes were like, asian porn for some reason.

The group was a little concerned that this was not where we were supposed to be, due to the weirdness. But after a while nerds were showing up and it was all good. Jenn introduced us to the amazingly cool Matt Keil, who was super smart and awesome. We talked about games the entire time. Rob left early with his girlfriend, a physicist, who is way cooler than him. Meghan couldn’t stop saying intelligent things and impressing me despite being female. What’s up with that?

We also met and talked with Adam Sessler for a while, which was intimidating at first, but he was so nice. I suggested a game of Rise of Nations with Adam, Matt, and myself. It sounded like the coolest  idea ever, mostly because they kept insisting that they suck at RTSs. Of course, we didn’t invite Troy to play, because he’d just pummel us into meat.

I asked Matt and Adam for business cards, that way I could e-mail them later—also because I didn’t have mine (stupid, huh?). Matt complied, and then Adam said something weird about not having any because he didn’t like to lose money needlessly. I was confused, but was left feeling respect for Adam’s financial savvy. Through the din we figured out that Adam thought I was asking if he had cards so we could play poker or something. It was too fucking loud  in the bar to hear anything. After clearing up that mishap, I offered to teach him how to school at poker, to which he declined, further insisting he was unteachable at poker.

It was the highlight of my day talking shop with such intelligent, informed people. They were so funny and had really interesting things to talk about. I was in awe of every single one of them, honestly. I had a great time watching the lovable Troy Goodfellow drink like a fish, and the adorable Jenn Cutter accidentally scare a hockey fan. Did I mention that Jenn Cutter is my personal badass hero?

I had to leave early and get back to Cambridge, but I had a stupid smile on my face all the way back.

Thanks to the excellent media wranglers handling the expo, I was approved for my Kombo.com press pass for the event! This is awesome since I applied wicked late, and just whiskered my way in.

From past experience, I know that gaming cons are usually packed with people elbow to asshole. Adding to that, anything that Penny-Arcade touches multiplies attendance by Higgs-Boson. If you have cool questions for any panel, and you’re NOT ATTENDING PAX EAST submit them here, I’ll probably remember to ask them. Keep in mind, if I wander by the games area I might blow off every panel and play like, DDR or something.

My plans for the event are as follows:

Thursday:

• ??:?? o’clock  ARRIVE, pick up media badge

• Gameshark Dinner

Friday:

• Journalists vs. Developers: The Ultimate Grudge Match
  Manticore Theatre
  Friday, 2:00pm

• PAX East 2010 Keynote Wil Wheaton (I’m going to try and get in, if I fail, I’ll just go play games)
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 3:00pm

• <GAMES><INTERVIEWS>

• Friday Night Concerts!
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 8:30pm

• The Future of PC Gaming Yes, there is one!
  Wyvern Theatre
  Friday, 10:00pm

• <PARTIES, GAMES>

Saturday:

• Early Media Access on the Show Floor 9:00am

• Greetings from a Dead-Tree Dinosaur Cartoonist v1.1 (FoxTrot’s Bill Amend!)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 10:00am

• The Death of Print (this should be good, I watched my own employer die. RIP, CGM)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 1:00pm

• A Sophisticated Evening with Rooster Teeth Productions
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 3:30pm

• Podcasting (f)or PR (interested in cakepiepods?)
  Naga Theatre
  Saturday, 5:30pm

• Hal Halpin and Adam Sessler Talking Games
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 7:00pm

• Saturday Night Concert (if I can get in, otherwise ROCK BAND FREE PLAY @11pm)
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 8:30pm

SUNDAY:

• 9:00am PA Media Panel

• 10:00am Three Moves Ahead Brunch

• So You Want to Get into the Game Industry?
  Naga Theatre
  Sunday, 11:30am

• Penny Arcade Panel #2 (this or XPLAY, both are likely to be full)
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• X-Play LIVE: A Show on Television (this or the PA panel, both are likely to be full)
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• Forcing Your Way In & Coming Out On Top: The Game Industry in
  Rainbow Color (if I can fit it in–see what I did there?)
  Wyvern Theatre
  Sunday, 1:30pm

• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Game Journalism…
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 2:30pm

• Closing Ceremony
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 5:00pm

The world misses me. I know. Sorry, world, I’ve been out.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I live in the cheerful, weather-lottery state of Vermont, formerly its own magical fairlyland Republic, long before Texas made it cool (true fact!). The great thing about living here is accessibility to bored nerds who have formed their own bizarre culture of board games, videogames, comics,  Star Trek, cosplay, role-play, and more! The downside: pick your weather out of a hat. It could be anything. Also, use a really cool hat!

A lot has happened since I dropped off the planet (I learned the hard way: the Earth is flat!) try and stay out of the sun while you read this list, you could get skin cancer (and I’m spiteful!).

• I was invited to be a guest panelist in This sweet Three Moves Ahead podcast! You like games, you should listen to it, it’s way better than listening to Rush Limbaugh! We talk about how weird it is that girls play videogames, Bayonetta, and also strategy gaming. If you’re into strategy keep up with Flash of Steel and their aforementioned podcast, it’s a great way to do the community thing.

• I started writing at Kombo.com but so far, I’ve only written a couple of pieces (you can find links on the sidebar by clicking “Kombo.com Articles“) . They have some really smart people writing, plus you can keep up with news and not have to deal with sensationalism in game journalism.

• I have Lyme Disease. Ticks bite you, you get sick. It’s a bitch. Mostly it sucks (har, har) because I’ve had to prioritize my health and I let CAKEPIE.COM slide!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! On the good side, I’m starting to feel a bit better, I hope you can look forward to more writing!

I love bullet points! They’re marginally better than numbered lists!

Thanks for reading, also thanks for commenting. I appreciate my small, but fantastically attractive community. Seriously, do you model?

I’m hopeful that you’ve all had great Christmases, Hanukkahs, Kwanzaas, and Obligatory Ice Level Days.

In case you’re uncool, and have never played a videogame before in your life, there is a time-honored tradition of including ICE LEVELS in games. These are awesome, because you get to slide around and crap.

Why bother with the commercialism of the holidays when you can appreciate all of those hard-working developers responsible for your favorite games? You spend a lot more time playing games than you do celebrating holidays! My logic is impeccable. You basically have to give thanks to Ice Levels.

I didn’t think of this myself, sadly, I have to give blame credit to The Speed Gamers for this one. Go forth and celebrate!

Borderlands. Well, there are borders, and there’s A LOT of land, presenting itself as some sort of FPS with no dice rolls; AKA none of that Fallout crap where you get a head-shot and it says you miss. No, you get a head-shot, and it’s to the head.

The game takes no time to start you going. From the moment you hit the Enter Key your character selection is the only down time. After that, you’re thrown into a gunfight and the world is yours to loot, kill, loot, find better loot, quest, loot–did I mention loot?

Oh, and did I mention the 17 million guns or whatever Randy Pitchford said? Yeah, I’m positive that wasn’t a lie: I have all four characters leveling, and the only guns I’ve seen twice have been boss loot. There are a lot of effects your guns can have: you can have shotguns that can deal electric damage, machine guns that fire acid, not to mention rocket launchers!!! But the game’s main aspect is not just the ridiculous amount of guns. They’re just there to pad the way through this 30+ hour story.

Borderlands is structured in a somewhat linear way, yet it’s a huge world, with a lot of interesting characters and moments that will have you talking about them in one of those water cooler situations. Or in my case around a bottle of vodka on a Saturday night.

Now it’s rare for me to always want to play a game no matter what I’m doing, but I found myself at work, playing World of Warcraft, or watching a film and not even thinking about that stuff. All I had on my mind was Borderlands. The last game to do this was Age of Conan. Yeah, it’s been a while.

Sadly, there’s a sort of killer in the game: the story. It isn’t that the story isn’t good, it’s that it’s not amazing like every other aspect of the game. Everything else is so polished I guess something had to suffer. It’s a lot like playing an MMO. I’ll get a quest, I don’t read anything, I just go and do it, mostly because there’s a 99% chance it wants me to kill something and get loot. The main story is scattered around here and there, but you won’t really know it or care for it. You’re on Pandora, a planet at the edge of the galaxy, you’re looking for some Vault that has weapons and riches–or so they say–what’s in there? Play the game and figure it out… go! THAT’S IT! Yeah, not the best, but whatever.

The story won’t matter, and you wont even care because the best part of this game is co-op. We know all the rage these days is to be able to play with your friends, and this game has you covered! At any time you can invite friends into your game, and the AI and monsters scale to all of you so it does get harder, but you also get more XP, more things to kill, and better LOOT! You can do the whole game with three friends, but you all need to be around same level (or two levels up or down from one another) to maximize proficiency without the low-level player in your group getting stomped.

If you go in there and coordinate your attacks you’ll have a blast. If you aren’t lucky enough to have friends, you can still play single-player all the way through. And lets face it, you’re on PC so if you’re like me your only friends are WoW players who pretend to be chicks to get free items anyway (guilty!) .

The biggest gripe people seem to have is the graphics and visual presentation. Remembering back when this game was announced I had no interest in it. It looked like a Fallout 3 clone. Yeah I said it. And people, I’m telling you I love Fallout 3 but it’s not the Best Game Ever as some claim. Borderlands is presented in an almost cell-shaded look–I don’t know how to classify it but it’s damn sexy. The way the filtering and lighting works is awesome and it really brings the world to life. Even though most of the world is destroyed and full of junk it still looks good.

Borderlands really hit the spot I’ve been waiting for: a huge world, nice visuals, awesome co-op, easy to play, and FUN! That’s the core word, Borderlands is fun! You can die over ten times on the same thing and it’s still fun.

I could go into details on some of the boring inventory management because there really is a lot of loot to deal with, but that’s one very small gripe, and by the time you hit level 30 you’ll have plenty of space money and all the guns you prefer. Rating this game is hard. Not because I’m having trouble with giving it a amazing score, but because even a game like Metal Gear Solid 4 has gripes. This one has them too, but they’re minor.

So let me just cut to the score and give it 4.7/5 Pastries. Borderlands is a prime example of how to take a simple concept like shoot-kill-loot and make it amazing! If you get a chance to pick up this game now or when it’s cheaper do yourself a favor and do it: you won’t regret it. Gearbox has done an amazing job and deserves the money.

One of the coolest things about having your own blog is being able to say whatever you like. Apparently that’s the cool thing about being a “news journalist”.

The main concern here is not about saving the children, it’s not how VERY realistic a game is, it’s not the worry of  “assimilating killing people” (although that’s precious), the main concern here is that people with alternate reality syndrome  have been trying to kill just about everything awesome since always.

It’s a true fact that you could buy a mature-rated game as an adult consumer and place it in your family home. If you don’t lock up the controller batteries with your firearm ammunition, any child in your home could play it (unless you’re actually parenting). Assuming you aren’t, I don’t think Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is the biggest concern in regard to your child’s upbringing.

Furthermore, our culture loves to attract children away from the so-called wastefulness of videogaming and into the mind-expansion and education of learning by way of reading books. Five of the ten most controversial books on this list were taught as curriculum for my public high school education. I, and the rest of my classmates have been exposed to drug use, sex, suicide, anarchy, torture, rape, murder, terrorism, ridiculous amounts of profanity, not to mention over 200 uses of the word “nigger” in a single novel; all through the power of reading.

I’m not suggesting censorship. I really liked most of the five books, as their masterful storytelling impacts a mind within the safety of pages, rather than through the harsh reality of living these experiences. This is some quality literature! Any child can walk into any bookstore and purchase exposure worse than you’d find in videogames. Flashy pictures on the screen make it no more impactful.

We’re not getting rid of naughty books, we won’t hold back naughty comics, and we haven’t thrown away all our naughty television shows, music, and movies. Media bashing is nothing new: in 1805 Beethoven’s Fidelio was banned and censored. People will always try to blame stupid behavior on media influences.

The debate about realism is always stupid. Ten years ago there were games that are nothing but pixelated shit today that people at the time considered far too realistic to sell. See Mortal Kombat, Doom, and amusingly enough Death Race if you want to see what culture used to condemn as far too realistic.

Soon enough, the so-real graphics of today’s games will follow suit as technology improves, even so it will never be interesting enough to compare to the resolution and impact of real life (which we all know consists of rolling around a giant ball and collecting lots of random stuff, thanks to Katamari Damacy).

It’s also interesting that a game that focuses on making you the most laudable heroic American-type hero ever–notably something Fox News glorifies–is getting pissed on for a mission where you INFILTRATE terrorist cells. To destroy them. What, seriously? It’s one thing to gripe about killing hookers in the Grand Theft Auto series, you can actually do that, and there’s no two ways about it. You are killing hookers. But seriously? It’s some mad doublespeak to be able to twist a good soldier into a bent terrorist. For shit sake, you’re ordered not to fire until fired upon in one of the first levels in the game. Claiming that this game is just out to make killers is absurd to anyone who knows anything about the series.

After watching this clip it should be obvious what is the bigger threat to society.

Not everyone is a gamer. Let’s just start there. But for some reason we still feel the need to categorize THE GAMER. Perhaps it’s because many of us have been trained from a young age by these games to level ourselves up, and one way to do this is to promote our own hard-coreness, and demote your old-school-ity. Suck it, n00b!

Nonetheless, we do push typing. In 2006 money was actually spent in market research to “type” gamers by the Park Associates. They decided game purchasers fell into six categories: Power Gamers, Social Gamers, Leisure Gamers, Dormant Gamers, Incidental Gamers, and Occasional Gamers. Of course, this research was done via an online poll, so no matter how you slice it you’re more likely to get game data that represents a different group than, say, people who do not spend time gaming online. I’m sure they did a lot of very professional surveys, really science-y and all. But of the 2000 or so people they managed to tally data from, human beings still deciphered the results.

Guess what, punks? I’ve logged many, many hours at GameStop. I’ve observed some gamers, and obviously I know some gamers. My typing is wise and powerful. Suck it, n00bs!

• Type A: “The Biggest Hits Gamer”. This gamer shows up on release date and wants the new game. Not that fucking movie-licensed game! “No, I don’t want to wait one extra day I’m playing this shit right now.” They smoke games for breakfast. Owns: PS3, Xbox 360, Metal Gear Solid 4, Madden 2010, and a High-definition TV with the right fucking cables.

• Type B: “I buy the Best”. Yeah they do. And they buy it in the plastic. Gamers of this type are identified by their random buys from nearly any platform. They want whatever has been rated highly, or whatever is over $100 on eBay. If you ask them what their favorite games are, they annoyingly have articulate things to say about all of them. Owns: PC, PS2, Suikoden 2, Portal, Okami, and some rare shit from Japan. Ask them. I bet they play imports.

• Type C: “HOLY SHIT!”. I know. Not much help? Well this gamer buys games that have pictures of their heroes on the cover. They meander in when they happen to be in the mall, or they have money burning a hole in their pocket. It occurs to them to buy a game usually on a whim, or if The New Movie came out and advertised that it made a game too. Owns: Xbox 360, Wii, PSP, Naruto games, Dragon Ball Z, NBA Live, and probably the newest movie-licensed game.

• Type D: “Has the Price Dropped?”. This gamer type usually gets lumped in the casual groups. They’re the most likely to beat any game they buy, because they’d really like to trade it back in and get new games while they still can. You see something under $10 with a cool cover? Hell’s yeah. I think these guys are pretty smart, because honestly, some of those games are fantastic. Owns: PS2, GBA, rotating selection of games like Max Payne, Oni, Metroid Fusion, and some WWE game.

• Type E: “I Only Play With Friends”. This type used to be a LOT more common when there were thousands of MMOs to play. This gamer wants the co-op games, the MMOs, and the music games. Naturally, there are sub-groups to this type! There is “The WoW Player”–they own World of Warcraft and a computer. Anything else they own was bought in The Beforetime. Then there’s “The Co-Oper”–they own a Wii, Xbox 360, Lego Star Wars, Left 4 Dead, or like, Army of Two. You also have your “Music/DDR Player”. This group used to include the kids at the arcade who could do Max 300 on Expert without the bar. They own a Wii, Gamecube, Xbox 360 OR PS3, and probably Rock Band–they also bought songs for it.

• Type F: “I Don’t Play Well With Others”. Again, this type has sub-grouping. You have your “Fraggers”, they own all of Call of Duty, Half-life, or Halo. They always have a favorite. They will fucking bury you. They probably even unlocked all those stupid ranks in America’s Army. The next type: “Pwners”, plays Warcraft 3, Starcraft, and/or Diablo 2. Still. The last group, “I am Undefined”, you don’t see often, they’re not in those fucking surveys. Their school is old, their core is hard. They own original systems like Atari, NES, and possibly even a NEO GEO. And they didn’t buy it at a yard sale like you did. They just kept it from when it came out. Usually though, these are PC gamers. They got into games to get away from people. Maybe they’re awkward, or maybe people don’t interest them. For whatever reason, they own a lot of the same games the rest of us buy, as long as it’s not fucking online, or requires goddamn friends to come over. They DO NOT own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, they will never play WoW, and you probably don’t want to ask them how many hours they’ve logged in Civilizations, Legend of Zelda, or X-COM.

Overall, it’s less about what specific games people play. Many people ultimately own a lot of the same exact games despite being different gamer types. People are typically motivated by what they want, so the people these types represent are just that. Wants! You may find elite and casual gamers spanning throughout many of these categories. What type are you?

You read that right. I’m touching it. Fanboys fuck yourselves because everyone does NOT need a PS3.

Just because the price is $299 now and you already have an Xbox 360 and a Wii does not mean you now should own the PS3 to complete the holy trinity of this generation of consoles. For serious.

Now that you believe me, I’ll make sure you hear me out. Some people really ought to buy a PS3. If for example, you have your Metal Gear Solid Collector’s Edition Solid Snake Commemorative Plate stacked next to your hand-knit Sackboy and your enormous selection of Blu-ray discs and you DON’T own a PS3 you should post your address here so everyone knows whose house to rob. You should also update your health insurance. Trust me on this. You’ll need it.

Essentially it all boils down to The Games. You can argue all day long about how superior the hardware is–and win–because it’s true and I hate you, but the reality is that none of that matters. It could be the hardware lovechild of super-hot robot model chicks, Wayne Gretzky and Chuck Norris, then hatch from a New Egg and I still wouldn’t care. The thing might only play Shaq Fu and Zero Wing and that’s bullshit.

Bottom line: Do you need a Blu-ray player + you play videogames? Are there games on PS3 or the Playstation Network you absolutely know you want to play (and you can only play on PS3)? Do you already own another more dominant console? It’s your money.

It’s sexy, it’s sleek, it’s the fastest car on the block, but just don’t buy it because your penis is small. Ladies, you either! Get it because you can’t live without SOCOM, Little Big Planet, Valkyria Chronicles, MGS 4, Disgaea 3, and Resistance Fall of Man 1 and 2. Otherwise you’re going to be playing shit like Lair and Heavenly Sword. They’re not bad games, but are they worth $299?

No. They are fucking not.

Well, my birthday wish did not come true: My Rock Band achievements have not been accomplished–YET!

The main hangup is even though the universe has sought to bless me with at LEAST four players who are Expert level Rock Band Drummers, not ONE of them can beat Dream Theater’s Panic Attack. I made a checklist of why this is bullshit.

• Three out of Four of these fuckers owns the Ion drumset. You don’t pay $300 for a set of plastic drums for a pretend band in a videogame if you do not KICK ASS, ie: have the ability to beat every song on expert. It is just not done.
• Everyone was whining about how hard Foo Fighters’ Everlong was, and then bragged all over the place about how now that they could beat Everlong they were complete as Expert pretend drummers. Apparently not!
• My friends who are real life actual drum players don’t play videogames. This could be because they’re practicing their music, but whatever. They’re not going to be able to beat Panic Attack either.

I also seem to only know three players who can play expert Guitar or Bass on every song. Which is fine, because I know about a half dozen more who can play Hard consistently and Expert on the easier songs. Since a lot of these people (like real guitar players in real life) are multi-classers they can take the load off of my High-level Drummers/Strings by helping out on easier songs. This increases my chances of success.

Coordinating all these people is going to be a challenge since for some reason many of them seem to have real jobs or something. Grabbing the six-eight people I want for true Platinum success as a real achievement is asking a lot when you need a minimum of 6 hours and 15 minutes to beat this setlist.

I still believe I can make it so. I’ll keep the updates on here. Once I get this achievement you will see some Cake-Pie fly. Which is a lot more awesome than pigs. No matter how many pigs you use.

This is my Moriarty. And for you literature people out there, The Final Problem.

You see, there’s this ancient and powerful artifact crafted by strange and powerful gods, it holds its user in its thrall, forcing them to succumb to its will, releasing its captives only when they complete their quest.

“You must beat all 84 songs on The Endless Setlist. I am Rock Band. You will OBEY.”

Naturally, when it comes to Xbox 360 games I’m an achievements whore. This means in order to get all the achievements I must follow orders. I must defeat the final boss: The Endless Setlist.

I have to do this on Expert. Because everyone knows (even you!) that games don’t begin until you play them on Expert. Problem is, gathering your party members together for the task.

First, you have non-traditional party members: you have a drummer, a bass player, a guitarist and a vocalist. The only spell you get is “Overdrive”, giving your whole party a boost to their attacks against the song. The great thing about collecting enough MP/Mana to use this spell is that it also doubles as a resurrection spell in case someone dies. It’s very useful, but with an absence of other spells and with limited weapons you have to be skilled enough to beat the boss with actual skill.

This is where Livingston and Pizza bribes come in.

“That’s a pretty sweet quest reward,” you might say. And it’s true! But the problem is, you also unlock extra achievements if you pull this shit off without pausing the game, disconnecting any controllers, or dying. So no peeing. Unless you’re really quick, or disgusting. And I have a rule in my house: no peeing outside of the designated potty. For fuck’s sake, ew.

Adding males to your party might make this easier, as Rock Band 1 suggests “When you’re in a rock band keep an empty bottle in the van. You’ll see.” Males do have the drawback of smelling pretty ripe after about 2-4 hours of Expert play.

I think the key here is adding the “Hey bitches, it’s my birthday tomorrow. You OWE me.” factor. Wait to see if it works! Wish me luck, unless you’re on my hitlist of friends who can play on Expert. Because then you should avoid drinking anything until Thursday.

I sure wish Dr. House knew how to play Rock Band.