Thursday: Joe Kozachek drove us from Burlington, Vermont and while he drove, I worked really hard at looking at stuff. We made it to Cambridge around 5:30ish where I took the Green Line from the Science Center to my destination: HYNES! Obejective: Make it to my Gameshark dinner with Troy Goodfellow, Jenn Cutter, Meghan Watt, and Rob Zacny, PLUS have time to grab my media badge for tomorrow. I was really excited to meet Troy and Jenn for the first time IRL. Troy and I used to write for CGM back in the days of yore, and I also guested on his podcast about the gender gap with Jenn Cutter and Lara Crigger.

My mission was a complete success thanks to Jenn, and I even conquered my insanely humongous bar meal which was really messy. I’m pretty sure I grossed everyone out. We saw a number of pre-PAX East nerds sporting POKEMON stuff, which made Jenn visibly squee. You see, Jenn <3’s Pokemons.

Next, I had to navigate the T system and make it to Cambridge, where the generous Ben Webster of MIT became my hospitable host. He was extremely thoughtful and gracious about me staying at his place with really short notice. Thank you, Sir Webster!

Friday: Welcome to the CLUSTERFUCK. I slept in, donned my Kombo.com shirt like I promised, and showed up to the Hynes about an hour or so early. There was an entire room devoted to the queue. To put that in perspective, imagine the lines at Disney. Now imagine you put all the lines from all the rides together, and you’re in a big room. These guys aren’t even in the queue room. That’s how packed this was. There was a line just to queue. Thankfully, there was queue entertainment which was freaking awesome. I was looking for a video online and didn’t find any, so let me know if you see it.

Went to the Journalists vs Devs: The Ultimate Grudge Match at 2pm featuring panelists Tim Gerritsen (Director of Product Development, Irrational Games), Chris Kohler (Editor, Games, Wired.com), John Drake (Publicist, Harmonix), Patrick Klepek (News Editor, G4), and moderating Jeff Green (Editor-in-Chief, EA). Patrick Klepek was representing the writers well, and probably reading my mind. Also, Jeff was kindof doing a weird not-journalist/not-dev hybrid thing as the host. Something about that sounds familiar but I’m not sure why.

It was great to see Jeff, and we had a few minutes to bond over our dead magazines before running away from the enforcers and Jeff’s adoring fans. We all support you! PS: Jeff Green has balls of steel.

Afterward, there was no way I was getting into the 3pm keynote hosted by Wil Wheaton. I was too late getting out of the panel to wait in the line to get in, which I suspected would happen. So instead I took a look around the Expo floor, and made mental notes about where I would focus my attention. I spoke to devs and others about their games, and miraculously forgot to bring my business cards to the show that day. Which was awesome, because I couldn’t give anyone anything to contact me with.

After futzing for a while around the Expo, I got texts inviting me to meet up with Jenn Cutter’s old buddies at G4 (formerly the superb TechTV) where Jenn used to work. We asked some hot firemen with cool Boston accents how to get to the TC Lounge, fulfilling one of Jenn Cutter’s life goals of hearing an authentic Boston accent. It was a hole in the wall, nearly empty, and strangely decorated with naked ladies and one of those claw arcade games with prizes—only all the prizes were like, asian porn for some reason.

The group was a little concerned that this was not where we were supposed to be, due to the weirdness. But after a while nerds were showing up and it was all good. Jenn introduced us to the amazingly cool Matt Keil, who was super smart and awesome. We talked about games the entire time. Rob left early with his girlfriend, a physicist, who is way cooler than him. Meghan couldn’t stop saying intelligent things and impressing me despite being female. What’s up with that?

We also met and talked with Adam Sessler for a while, which was intimidating at first, but he was so nice. I suggested a game of Rise of Nations with Adam, Matt, and myself. It sounded like the coolest  idea ever, mostly because they kept insisting that they suck at RTSs. Of course, we didn’t invite Troy to play, because he’d just pummel us into meat.

I asked Matt and Adam for business cards, that way I could e-mail them later—also because I didn’t have mine (stupid, huh?). Matt complied, and then Adam said something weird about not having any because he didn’t like to lose money needlessly. I was confused, but was left feeling respect for Adam’s financial savvy. Through the din we figured out that Adam thought I was asking if he had cards so we could play poker or something. It was too fucking loud  in the bar to hear anything. After clearing up that mishap, I offered to teach him how to school at poker, to which he declined, further insisting he was unteachable at poker.

It was the highlight of my day talking shop with such intelligent, informed people. They were so funny and had really interesting things to talk about. I was in awe of every single one of them, honestly. I had a great time watching the lovable Troy Goodfellow drink like a fish, and the adorable Jenn Cutter accidentally scare a hockey fan. Did I mention that Jenn Cutter is my personal badass hero?

I had to leave early and get back to Cambridge, but I had a stupid smile on my face all the way back.

From past experience, I know that gaming cons are usually packed with people elbow to asshole. Adding to that, anything that Penny-Arcade touches multiplies attendance by Higgs-Boson. If you have cool questions for any panel, and you’re NOT ATTENDING PAX EAST submit them here, I’ll probably remember to ask them. Keep in mind, if I wander by the games area I might blow off every panel and play like, DDR or something.

My plans for the event are as follows:

Thursday:

• ??:?? o’clock  ARRIVE, pick up media badge

• Gameshark Dinner

Friday:

• Journalists vs. Developers: The Ultimate Grudge Match
  Manticore Theatre
  Friday, 2:00pm

• PAX East 2010 Keynote Wil Wheaton (I’m going to try and get in, if I fail, I’ll just go play games)
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 3:00pm

• <GAMES><INTERVIEWS>

• Friday Night Concerts!
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 8:30pm

• The Future of PC Gaming Yes, there is one!
  Wyvern Theatre
  Friday, 10:00pm

• <PARTIES, GAMES>

Saturday:

• Early Media Access on the Show Floor 9:00am

• Greetings from a Dead-Tree Dinosaur Cartoonist v1.1 (FoxTrot’s Bill Amend!)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 10:00am

• The Death of Print (this should be good, I watched my own employer die. RIP, CGM)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 1:00pm

• A Sophisticated Evening with Rooster Teeth Productions
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 3:30pm

• Podcasting (f)or PR (interested in cakepiepods?)
  Naga Theatre
  Saturday, 5:30pm

• Hal Halpin and Adam Sessler Talking Games
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 7:00pm

• Saturday Night Concert (if I can get in, otherwise ROCK BAND FREE PLAY @11pm)
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 8:30pm

SUNDAY:

• 9:00am PA Media Panel

• 10:00am Three Moves Ahead Brunch

• So You Want to Get into the Game Industry?
  Naga Theatre
  Sunday, 11:30am

• Penny Arcade Panel #2 (this or XPLAY, both are likely to be full)
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• X-Play LIVE: A Show on Television (this or the PA panel, both are likely to be full)
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• Forcing Your Way In & Coming Out On Top: The Game Industry in
  Rainbow Color (if I can fit it in–see what I did there?)
  Wyvern Theatre
  Sunday, 1:30pm

• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Game Journalism…
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 2:30pm

• Closing Ceremony
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 5:00pm

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I live in the cheerful, weather-lottery state of Vermont, formerly its own magical fairlyland Republic, long before Texas made it cool (true fact!). The great thing about living here is accessibility to bored nerds who have formed their own bizarre culture of board games, videogames, comics,  Star Trek, cosplay, role-play, and more! The downside: pick your weather out of a hat. It could be anything. Also, use a really cool hat!

A lot has happened since I dropped off the planet (I learned the hard way: the Earth is flat!) try and stay out of the sun while you read this list, you could get skin cancer (and I’m spiteful!).

• I was invited to be a guest panelist in This sweet Three Moves Ahead podcast! You like games, you should listen to it, it’s way better than listening to Rush Limbaugh! We talk about how weird it is that girls play videogames, Bayonetta, and also strategy gaming. If you’re into strategy keep up with Flash of Steel and their aforementioned podcast, it’s a great way to do the community thing.

• I started writing at Kombo.com but so far, I’ve only written a couple of pieces (you can find links on the sidebar by clicking “Kombo.com Articles“) . They have some really smart people writing, plus you can keep up with news and not have to deal with sensationalism in game journalism.

• I have Lyme Disease. Ticks bite you, you get sick. It’s a bitch. Mostly it sucks (har, har) because I’ve had to prioritize my health and I let CAKEPIE.COM slide!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! On the good side, I’m starting to feel a bit better, I hope you can look forward to more writing!

I love bullet points! They’re marginally better than numbered lists!

Thanks for reading, also thanks for commenting. I appreciate my small, but fantastically attractive community. Seriously, do you model?

In case you’re uncool, and have never played a videogame before in your life, there is a time-honored tradition of including ICE LEVELS in games. These are awesome, because you get to slide around and crap.

Why bother with the commercialism of the holidays when you can appreciate all of those hard-working developers responsible for your favorite games? You spend a lot more time playing games than you do celebrating holidays! My logic is impeccable. You basically have to give thanks to Ice Levels.

I didn’t think of this myself, sadly, I have to give blame credit to The Speed Gamers for this one. Go forth and celebrate!

Nonetheless, we do push typing. In 2006 money was actually spent in market research to “type” gamers by the Park Associates. They decided game purchasers fell into six categories: Power Gamers, Social Gamers, Leisure Gamers, Dormant Gamers, Incidental Gamers, and Occasional Gamers. Of course, this research was done via an online poll, so no matter how you slice it you’re more likely to get game data that represents a different group than, say, people who do not spend time gaming online. I’m sure they did a lot of very professional surveys, really science-y and all. But of the 2000 or so people they managed to tally data from, human beings still deciphered the results.

Guess what, punks? I’ve logged many, many hours at GameStop. I’ve observed some gamers, and obviously I know some gamers. My typing is wise and powerful. Suck it, n00bs!

• Type A: “The Biggest Hits Gamer”. This gamer shows up on release date and wants the new game. Not that fucking movie-licensed game! “No, I don’t want to wait one extra day I’m playing this shit right now.” They smoke games for breakfast. Owns: PS3, Xbox 360, Metal Gear Solid 4, Madden 2010, and a High-definition TV with the right fucking cables.

• Type B: “I buy the Best”. Yeah they do. And they buy it in the plastic. Gamers of this type are identified by their random buys from nearly any platform. They want whatever has been rated highly, or whatever is over $100 on eBay. If you ask them what their favorite games are, they annoyingly have articulate things to say about all of them. Owns: PC, PS2, Suikoden 2, Portal, Okami, and some rare shit from Japan. Ask them. I bet they play imports.

• Type C: “HOLY SHIT!”. I know. Not much help? Well this gamer buys games that have pictures of their heroes on the cover. They meander in when they happen to be in the mall, or they have money burning a hole in their pocket. It occurs to them to buy a game usually on a whim, or if The New Movie came out and advertised that it made a game too. Owns: Xbox 360, Wii, PSP, Naruto games, Dragon Ball Z, NBA Live, and probably the newest movie-licensed game.

• Type D: “Has the Price Dropped?”. This gamer type usually gets lumped in the casual groups. They’re the most likely to beat any game they buy, because they’d really like to trade it back in and get new games while they still can. You see something under $10 with a cool cover? Hell’s yeah. I think these guys are pretty smart, because honestly, some of those games are fantastic. Owns: PS2, GBA, rotating selection of games like Max Payne, Oni, Metroid Fusion, and some WWE game.

• Type E: “I Only Play With Friends”. This type used to be a LOT more common when there were thousands of MMOs to play. This gamer wants the co-op games, the MMOs, and the music games. Naturally, there are sub-groups to this type! There is “The WoW Player”–they own World of Warcraft and a computer. Anything else they own was bought in The Beforetime. Then there’s “The Co-Oper”–they own a Wii, Xbox 360, Lego Star Wars, Left 4 Dead, or like, Army of Two. You also have your “Music/DDR Player”. This group used to include the kids at the arcade who could do Max 300 on Expert without the bar. They own a Wii, Gamecube, Xbox 360 OR PS3, and probably Rock Band–they also bought songs for it.

• Type F: “I Don’t Play Well With Others”. Again, this type has sub-grouping. You have your “Fraggers”, they own all of Call of Duty, Half-life, or Halo. They always have a favorite. They will fucking bury you. They probably even unlocked all those stupid ranks in America’s Army. The next type: “Pwners”, plays Warcraft 3, Starcraft, and/or Diablo 2. Still. The last group, “I am Undefined”, you don’t see often, they’re not in those fucking surveys. Their school is old, their core is hard. They own original systems like Atari, NES, and possibly even a NEO GEO. And they didn’t buy it at a yard sale like you did. They just kept it from when it came out. Usually though, these are PC gamers. They got into games to get away from people. Maybe they’re awkward, or maybe people don’t interest them. For whatever reason, they own a lot of the same games the rest of us buy, as long as it’s not fucking online, or requires goddamn friends to come over. They DO NOT own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, they will never play WoW, and you probably don’t want to ask them how many hours they’ve logged in Civilizations, Legend of Zelda, or X-COM.

Overall, it’s less about what specific games people play. Many people ultimately own a lot of the same exact games despite being different gamer types. People are typically motivated by what they want, so the people these types represent are just that. Wants! You may find elite and casual gamers spanning throughout many of these categories. What type are you?

Just because the price is $299 now and you already have an Xbox 360 and a Wii does not mean you now should own the PS3 to complete the holy trinity of this generation of consoles. For serious.

Now that you believe me, I’ll make sure you hear me out. Some people really ought to buy a PS3. If for example, you have your Metal Gear Solid Collector’s Edition Solid Snake Commemorative Plate stacked next to your hand-knit Sackboy and your enormous selection of Blu-ray discs and you DON’T own a PS3 you should post your address here so everyone knows whose house to rob. You should also update your health insurance. Trust me on this. You’ll need it.

Essentially it all boils down to The Games. You can argue all day long about how superior the hardware is–and win–because it’s true and I hate you, but the reality is that none of that matters. It could be the hardware lovechild of super-hot robot model chicks, Wayne Gretzky and Chuck Norris, then hatch from a New Egg and I still wouldn’t care. The thing might only play Shaq Fu and Zero Wing and that’s bullshit.

Bottom line: Do you need a Blu-ray player + you play videogames? Are there games on PS3 or the Playstation Network you absolutely know you want to play (and you can only play on PS3)? Do you already own another more dominant console? It’s your money.

It’s sexy, it’s sleek, it’s the fastest car on the block, but just don’t buy it because your penis is small. Ladies, you either! Get it because you can’t live without SOCOM, Little Big Planet, Valkyria Chronicles, MGS 4, Disgaea 3, and Resistance Fall of Man 1 and 2. Otherwise you’re going to be playing shit like Lair and Heavenly Sword. They’re not bad games, but are they worth $299?

No. They are fucking not.

But seriously! If people could dream we’d see some really great video games coming down the pipe. I know it’s a completely new idea to suggest that game developers allow imaginative titles to escape their programming grasp, so please be patient with my wacky new-fangled suggestion. I do want wacky ideas that look like they come from not only the smoking of crack, but the imbibing of alcoholic beverages, and living in Japan. True fact: Hideo Kojima lives in Japan. Not enough proof?

Let’s remember back to Katamari Damacy. Start that game up, watch the opening sequence. You think you’re seeing the badger badger mushroom flash cartoon with some kind of LSD add-on pack that was imbedded in your game case. You try to tell your gamer friends about it and they look at you like you’re a crazy person. “No seriously, this guy gets drunk and breaks the night sky. Yes, he’s the King, no you don’t kill anything. You just grab stuff in a ball.”

And that was a $20 game.

/em: pause for effect

Now, as you know Muramasa has just come out. You don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go watch the game trailer, and while you’re at it look up Bayonetta. Anyway, I haven’t played it just yet (still wearing down those fucking Rock Band achievements). But I will soon, and when I do, I plan to be blown away. Nay, amazed! I wouldn’t be surprised if that game made me pregnant.

400 Babies?