Archive for the ‘Star Trek’ Category

Just Throw Worf

Language shift is a hilarious thing. It can turn labor into a robot, it can make important words into mundane meaningless drivel.

For example, it can take the balls off of epic.

You know what I’m talking about. Suddenly getting a free size upgrade on your coffee is EPIC, or saying something clever about your friend’s mom. Something like “We told her that drinks were ‘on the house’ and she grabbed a ladder.” It doesn’t matter. I hate your mom.

selendis protoss e1271276099168 Just Throw Worf

Epic used to mean something. Now it’s ruined by overuse. $10 off the Starcraft Battlechest is NOT epic. OWNING a life-size model of a Protoss is. Having an extra fiver is not epic. Getting attacked by a shark–and living–is. Going bowling with your stupid friends is not epic. Bowling a 300 game is.

In the old days, when someone wanted to get your fucking attention, it was an effort of will to present you with something so out there, so absolutely in-your-face that you had to give pause. Your only recourse: awe.

worfthrownbyborg e1271276262371 Just Throw Worf

Those were the days when you could tell an alien was bad-ass because it could pick up Lt. Worf and hurl him across the bridge of the Enterprise. You paid attention. That was not regular shit. Regular shit like “Blah, blah, blah, we’re going to blow up the Enterprise” did not even get your brain on vibrate. You see that all the time.

Is this a reflection of lowering standards? Do you find excellence in mundanity? Or are you forgetting there’s a spectrum of things between “meh” and “epic” you’re just not using because you’re lazy? Let’s try a few examples.

“My horse just leaped over my little brother!”

This is an example of “Sweet, dude!!” One where something has occurred to get your attention, and is unusual for sure! But it’s lacking a certain awesome-du-jour that becomes truly impressive. It’s pretty cool, but not gosu.

“I have a foil Masticore!!”masticore e1271276416663 Just Throw Worf

This is an example of no one gives a shit. Please go share your pointless story with someone else. Unless…

“I only need one Oath of Druids in order to complete my M:tG deck for this tournament, I need to submit my deck in five minutes, and no one will trade with me for anything but a Masticore. This one jackass has extra Oaths and won’t even let me borrow one with collateral. This is the worst! Hmmm, I have just enough money to buy ONE booster pack of Urza’s Destiny–what the heck, it’s the newest expansion right now.” [rip open pack] “SHIT! I just got a foil Masticore!!”

THAT sir, is pretty darned amazing.

All the douches: “Hey, can I trade you for that? I’ll give you this Oath of Druids”

Now here’s what Epic is.

[Player opens his mouth, and inserts foil Masticore.]

“Nom, Nom, Nom. Fuck you, assholes!”

PAX EAST—What I Actually Did, Thurs & Fri

I knew that the really cool plans that I laid out in my pre-pax schedule were subject to change, and they did!

Thursday: Joe Kozachek drove us from Burlington, Vermont and while he drove, I worked really hard at looking at stuff. We made it to Cambridge around 5:30ish where I took the Green Line from the Science Center to my destination: HYNES! Obejective: Make it to my Gameshark dinner with Troy Goodfellow, Jenn Cutter, Meghan Watt, and Rob Zacny, PLUS have time to grab my media badge for tomorrow. I was really excited to meet Troy and Jenn for the first time IRL. Troy and I used to write for CGM back in the days of yore, and I also guested on his podcast about the gender gap with Jenn Cutter and Lara Crigger.

My mission was a complete success thanks to Jenn, and I even conquered my insanely humongous bar meal which was really messy. I’m pretty sure I grossed everyone out. We saw a number of pre-PAX East nerds sporting POKEMON stuff, which made Jenn visibly squee. You see, Jenn <3’s Pokemons.

Next, I had to navigate the T system and make it to Cambridge, where the generous Ben Webster of MIT became my hospitable host. He was extremely thoughtful and gracious about me staying at his place with really short notice. Thank you, Sir Webster!

Friday: Welcome to the CLUSTERFUCK. I slept in, donned my Kombo.com shirt like I promised, and showed up to the Hynes about an hour or so early. There was an entire room devoted to the queue. To put that in perspective, imagine the lines at Disney. Now imagine you put all the lines from all the rides together, and you’re in a big room. These guys aren’t even in the queue room. That’s how packed this was. There was a line just to queue. Thankfully, there was queue entertainment which was freaking awesome. I was looking for a video online and didn’t find any, so let me know if you see it.

Went to the Journalists vs Devs: The Ultimate Grudge Match at 2pm featuring panelists Tim Gerritsen (Director of Product Development, Irrational Games), Chris Kohler (Editor, Games, Wired.com), John Drake (Publicist, Harmonix), Patrick Klepek (News Editor, G4), and moderating Jeff Green (Editor-in-Chief, EA). Patrick Klepek was representing the writers well, and probably reading my mind. Also, Jeff was kindof doing a weird not-journalist/not-dev hybrid thing as the host. Something about that sounds familiar but I’m not sure why.

It was great to see Jeff, and we had a few minutes to bond over our dead magazines before running away from the enforcers and Jeff’s adoring fans. We all support you! PS: Jeff Green has balls of steel.

Afterward, there was no way I was getting into the 3pm keynote hosted by Wil Wheaton. I was too late getting out of the panel to wait in the line to get in, which I suspected would happen. So instead I took a look around the Expo floor, and made mental notes about where I would focus my attention. I spoke to devs and others about their games, and miraculously forgot to bring my business cards to the show that day. Which was awesome, because I couldn’t give anyone anything to contact me with.

After futzing for a while around the Expo, I got texts inviting me to meet up with Jenn Cutter’s old buddies at G4 (formerly the superb TechTV) where Jenn used to work. We asked some hot firemen with cool Boston accents how to get to the TC Lounge, fulfilling one of Jenn Cutter’s life goals of hearing an authentic Boston accent. It was a hole in the wall, nearly empty, and strangely decorated with naked ladies and one of those claw arcade games with prizes—only all the prizes were like, asian porn for some reason.

The group was a little concerned that this was not where we were supposed to be, due to the weirdness. But after a while nerds were showing up and it was all good. Jenn introduced us to the amazingly cool Matt Keil, who was super smart and awesome. We talked about games the entire time. Rob left early with his girlfriend, a physicist, who is way cooler than him. Meghan couldn’t stop saying intelligent things and impressing me despite being female. What’s up with that?

We also met and talked with Adam Sessler for a while, which was intimidating at first, but he was so nice. I suggested a game of Rise of Nations with Adam, Matt, and myself. It sounded like the coolest  idea ever, mostly because they kept insisting that they suck at RTSs. Of course, we didn’t invite Troy to play, because he’d just pummel us into meat.

I asked Matt and Adam for business cards, that way I could e-mail them later—also because I didn’t have mine (stupid, huh?). Matt complied, and then Adam said something weird about not having any because he didn’t like to lose money needlessly. I was confused, but was left feeling respect for Adam’s financial savvy. Through the din we figured out that Adam thought I was asking if he had cards so we could play poker or something. It was too fucking loud  in the bar to hear anything. After clearing up that mishap, I offered to teach him how to school at poker, to which he declined, further insisting he was unteachable at poker.

It was the highlight of my day talking shop with such intelligent, informed people. They were so funny and had really interesting things to talk about. I was in awe of every single one of them, honestly. I had a great time watching the lovable Troy Goodfellow drink like a fish, and the adorable Jenn Cutter accidentally scare a hockey fan. Did I mention that Jenn Cutter is my personal badass hero?

I had to leave early and get back to Cambridge, but I had a stupid smile on my face all the way back.

PAX East and I’m going!

Thanks to the excellent media wranglers handling the expo, I was approved for my Kombo.com press pass for the event! This is awesome since I applied wicked late, and just whiskered my way in.

From past experience, I know that gaming cons are usually packed with people elbow to asshole. Adding to that, anything that Penny-Arcade touches multiplies attendance by Higgs-Boson. If you have cool questions for any panel, and you’re NOT ATTENDING PAX EAST submit them here, I’ll probably remember to ask them. Keep in mind, if I wander by the games area I might blow off every panel and play like, DDR or something.

My plans for the event are as follows:

Thursday:

  • ??:?? o’clock  ARRIVE, pick up media badge
  • Gameshark Dinner

Friday:

  • Journalists vs. Developers: The Ultimate Grudge Match
    Manticore Theatre
    Friday, 2:00pm
  • PAX East 2010 Keynote Wil Wheaton (I’m going to try and get in, if I fail, I’ll just go play games)
    Main Theatre
    Friday, 3:00pm
  • <GAMES><INTERVIEWS>
  • Friday Night Concerts!
    Main Theatre
    Friday, 8:30pm
  • The Future of PC Gaming Yes, there is one!
    Wyvern Theatre
    Friday, 10:00pm
  • <PARTIES, GAMES>

Saturday:

  • Early Media Access on the Show Floor 9:00am
  • Greetings from a Dead-Tree Dinosaur Cartoonist v1.1 (FoxTrot’s Bill Amend!)
    Manticore Theatre
    Saturday, 10:00am
  • The Death of Print (this should be good, I watched my own employer die. RIP, CGM)
    Manticore Theatre
    Saturday, 1:00pm
  • A Sophisticated Evening with Rooster Teeth Productions
    Main Theatre
    Saturday, 3:30pm
  • Podcasting (f)or PR (interested in cakepiepods?)
    Naga Theatre
    Saturday, 5:30pm
  • Hal Halpin and Adam Sessler Talking Games
    Manticore Theatre
    Saturday, 7:00pm
  • Saturday Night Concert (if I can get in, otherwise ROCK BAND FREE PLAY @11pm)
    Main Theatre
    Saturday, 8:30pm

SUNDAY:

  • 9:00am PA Media Panel
  • So You Want to Get into the Game Industry?
    Naga Theatre
    Sunday, 11:30am
  • Penny Arcade Panel #2 (this or XPLAY, both are likely to be full)
    Main Theatre
    Sunday, 1:00pm
  • X-Play LIVE: A Show on Television (this or the PA panel, both are likely to be full)
    Manticore Theatre
    Sunday, 1:00pm
  • Forcing Your Way In & Coming Out On Top: The Game Industry in
    Rainbow Color (if I can fit it in–see what I did there?)
    Wyvern Theatre
    Sunday, 1:30pm
  • Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Game Journalism…
    Manticore Theatre
    Sunday, 2:30pm
  • Closing Ceremony
    Main Theatre
    Sunday, 5:00pm

Winter Wanker!

The world misses me. I know. Sorry, world, I’ve been out.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I live in the cheerful, weather-lottery state of Vermont, formerly its own magical fairlyland Republic, long before Texas made it cool (true fact!). The great thing about living here is accessibility to bored nerds who have formed their own bizarre culture of board games, videogames, comics,  Star Trek, cosplay, role-play, and more! The downside: pick your weather out of a hat. It could be anything. Also, use a really cool hat!

A lot has happened since I dropped off the planet (I learned the hard way: the Earth is flat!) try and stay out of the sun while you read this list, you could get skin cancer (and I’m spiteful!).

  • I was invited to be a guest panelist in This sweet Three Moves Ahead podcast! You like games, you should listen to it, it’s way better than listening to Rush Limbaugh! We talk about how weird it is that girls play videogames, Bayonetta, and also strategy gaming. If you’re into strategy keep up with Flash of Steel and their aforementioned podcast, it’s a great way to do the community thing.
  • I started writing at Kombo.com but so far, I’ve only written a couple of pieces (you can find links on the sidebar by clicking “Kombo.com Articles“) . They have some really smart people writing, plus you can keep up with news and not have to deal with sensationalism in game journalism.
  • I have Lyme Disease. Ticks bite you, you get sick. It’s a bitch. Mostly it sucks (har, har) because I’ve had to prioritize my health and I let CAKEPIE.COM slide!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! On the good side, I’m starting to feel a bit better, I hope you can look forward to more writing!

I love bullet points! They’re marginally better than numbered lists!

Thanks for reading, also thanks for commenting. I appreciate my small, but fantastically attractive community. Seriously, do you model?

How Datable is Mr. Spock?

Ladies, we all know how much sexier Zachary Quinto is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie than creepy mother-fucker Sylar on Heroes. There’s a reason: Spock is far more datable than Sylar. That much is obvious. But how datable is Spock himself? I explore this strange, new concept through anecdote and my own clever deductions.

Now I had to look it up, but I remember the episode where Spock was captured by Nazis and tortured for information about the Enterprise shirtless. I know it was like a million years ago when that episode was filmed (or technically, hundreds of years in the future), but Spock was showing off his man-pecs effectively enough to ensure his hottie status. The episode is called “Patterns of Force” from the original series if you want to see what I mean. No manscaping back then, but he looks better than Kirk–who is shirtless in like 20% of Star Trek episodes. He also looks better than Will Riker from The Next Generation. Suck it, Will Riker.

Next: Spock’s sensitive! I know you’re about to argue me on this because “Blah, blah, Vulcans hate emotions, blah, blah”, but we all know how happy he was when he was infected with Omicron Spores and got to live in  paradise and even confessed his love  to the botanist chicky during this time–before Kirk (who was unaffected) ruined it for everyone. This episode is called “This Side of Paradisebecause it was.

Before that Spock expressed something like actual joy when his betrothed skank T’Pring made him and Kirk fight to the death while Spock was all plak tow-ed. Spock thought he killed Kirk only to find it was a ruse that Kirk and McCoy planned in order to save the captain. He was all “JIM!!!” and stuff. That’s Vulcan for “Holy shit, man! I’m filled with delight”.

He also plays the Vulcan Lute. Chicks love musicians.

Girls also love witty quips  from emotionally unavailable guys, so there you have two full demographics of female wants completely covered with Spock. Girls who want innocent, sensitive men; and psychos who want emotionally unavailable smartasses.

He lives a lot longer and healthier than normal men, since he’s half-Vulcan, and if you can keep him in the spores, he’s pretty much the nicest, smartest guy ever.

He’d be totally datable and he’s very loyal–as exhibited on the Enterprise in probably 70% of episodes. He’s unlikely to cheat (except for cheating death) because he doesn’t lie. And chances are high that he doesn’t have the herpes.

I have to down-rate him for his completely ridiculous adoration for both Star Fleet and Captain Kirk. You should always come first, ladies, no matter if he’s in his pon farr or not. There’s also the chance that he’s more into guys than girls. Good news for military gays!! This makes him way more datable to you. Bad news for creatures with vaginas that are NOT Captain Kirk.

Points off for his potential crush on Kirk, his obsession with Star Fleet over anything ever, and his 7-year wait for pon farr. Of course, if you can just hit him with spores, none of that will matter! He’ll be happy too, so you don’t have to feel like a poisoning psycho bitch. About his time infected he later reflects that this was the first time in his life at which he had felt happy.

Overall, I’d give Mr. Spock 4 Cake-Pies out of 5 for datability. Did I mention Vulcans have two sets of eyelids? Well, they do.

On Blogward!

Cake-Pie is the answer to the most important question. Not 42. And not “Yes.” It is the natural evolution of food and especially of The Best Food. You should be unsurprised to find that when asked in the future “Which do you prefer? Cake or Pie?” your response is CAKE-PIE! If you want to know if Pirates or Ninja are better, well, you’re going to be pretty screwed because the jury is still out on that one.

This blog may feature Pirates or Ninja from time to time but is mostly not about them. I don’t care if you think my choice to capitalize those nouns is wrong, incorrect, or somehow damaging to grammar. I just properly spelled grammar, and because I can do that I have full liberty to meddle with style choices like CAPITAL LETTERS. Suck it!

It’s almost painful writing a first blog post, because right now you really have no incentive to read it, knowing nothing about me or what the hell I want to write. Or who the fuck writes like that. Really?! Mostly you will be able to follow along nicely if you like things like Pie or Cake, or if you’re a friend to geeks, nerds, dorks, or Star Trek fans. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

That was a rhetorical question.

If you look down the aisle at any grocery store line, you’re statistically looking at 40% more Star Trek fans than you think you are. We’re everywhere. Just saying.

I plan on keeping things interesting, but honest. Which explains all the swearing clever word choices I like to partake of. You may get to hear the latest story about how I did something cool to someone else while playing a videogame. Yes, cool. I don’t care how much they cried about it. Or maybe I’ll tell you the latest D&D joke. Btw, what did one Druid say to the other? Nothing, they were using Wild Shape. They just woofed.

I also plan to write up some occasional observations about random geek culture. Overall, these will be limited to my imagination. And as John Lennon says: “Reality leaves a lot to the imagination”.