Cake-Pie

As my beloved readers, you all know I’m heavily interested in games. I play boardgames like Settlers of Catan, collectible card games like Magic: the Gathering, PC games, Console games, and even stupid Facebook games.

I’ve been aware of baseball for a while now. I can tell you that my Ted Williams signed and authenticated photograph is still hidden safely away so that muggers and thieves can’t easily access it. I can tell you that Red Sox and Yankees fans are both pussies, and you all should be rooting for the Chicago Cubs. Even Ted Williams wanted to play for the Cubs, but he had a dreadful fear of bears, and so as it would happen he never played for them.

I hate all sports, including baseball, and though everyone keeps sending me tweets or facebook messages telling me I need to watch this game, or see so-and-so in action, I remain unswayed: baseball is not a game.

You’ve got these people–MEN, really–standing around a field doing almost nothing for 70% of the time, these fans (more obsessed with statistics arbitrarily decided to be important than watching the events in front of them), and oodles of merchandise scored more often than runs. Some “games” can last for hours with no runs scored at all. Famously, the Met-Astros “game” of 1968 had 23 1/2 innings with no one scoring a single run.

There has been some debate about certain sports like curling among the masses, general conversation that goes something like this: “Curling isn’t a sport!”. And this may be true. But curling is still a game. A real actual game. It has duration, and players; and people who watch it pay attention to those stones and sweepers. Most importantly, it’s in the Olympics. Something baseball can no longer boast.

That’s sad, really, as baseball was given medal status in the Barcelona Summer Olympics in 1992, only to have it rescinded for the future of Olympics, including the 2012 Summer games in London, England. It was the first sport ousted since water polo in 1936.  Though baseball has been an exhibition sport since 1904, it has still not been granted legitimacy in the Olympic games despite everyone in the whole entire world watching it, and understanding how it works.

If baseball had some kind of awards show, or third-party recognition it would gain a lot more momentum toward being an actual “game”. The World Series is just an excuse for baseball players to perform their theater for their “fans”, and the Hall of Fame is little more than an abstract showing of players with the largest salaries, or the most fans. They may indeed be very good at their sport, but merit alone does not legitimize baseball into gamehood.

I recall a moment in time where I was browsing the local videogame store, and in walked the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen in such a place. He was tall, muscular, and had a sort of Matthew McConaughey charm. Not the typical customer, indeed. I’m ridiculously brave, and I planned to walk up to him and ask him about his gaming interests, hoping to strike a chord and get some for Mamma. As I drew nearer, I saw him browsing games and he picked up a copy of the latest MLB title from the shelf. I immediately lost all interest. This McConaughey impersonator was decidedly a fan of the worst delusion in sports, a man like that was clearly lacking in good taste, as well as judgement. Not only that, but he purchased a videogame version of a sport that can never be a game; not even if it’s made into a videogame. What girl would ever mack on a guy like that? He might as well be Carrot Top.

Overall, baseball will never be a real game, at least not during the lifespan of anyone who is alive now to disagree with me. It’s impossible! Not a videogame version, nor a film version, nor international appeal has been able to do it yet. You couldn’t even try to turn it into a CCG: because it’s been tried, and all that results is CC. That’s right Collectable Cards, minus the Game.

I rest my case.

Note: Careful observation will reveal satirical parallels with this article written by Roger Ebert and my own article. Mine’s better because I didn’t spend 90% of my page loading Youtube videos. Plus, more people agree with me.

I can’t tell you how much I love Thanksgiving. It’s my very favorite holiday! Not because I’m a consumer whore who digs all the Black Friday sales, NAY! It’s the only holiday untainted by such! Even better: awesome food without the obligation to guess what other people want/need without going broke enough to re-gift. Nearly every other holiday requires some kind of gifting and boy does it suck to not be able to read minds. Next year, get me that for my Birthday. Mindreading!

I’ve found a couple of great things to be thankful for, and regardless of your personal spiritual/philosophical/apathetic views you can always appreciate some goodness!!

Zahada is an ongoing logic/reasoning/smartness game that will steal many hours of your life–for to have smart brains!–if you can figure out how to get started. It helps if you’re a nerd! I won’t give you any hints past that, but expect your head to a-splode with figuring. I landed myself in trouble around level 34, see if you can get there and find out what I mean! Please post no answers or spoilers in comments or I’ll burninate you. Or edit your post in an embarrassing  way. Don’t test me!

Faux Food –You probably think you know what this is, but let me tell you, punk, you should check this out anyway. I read this blog because I’m a girl and I love fashion so sue me, but look at this article!! Look at the om nom noms!! Thinking about a weird-ass Thanksgiving dinner? Here’s some inspiration. I especially love the Swedish fish sushi! I really want to try out the Jell-O Fruit!

Korean Dramas! Okay, so maybe you’ve never heard of these? But Korean dramas are leagues ahead of our own, mixing stories that will make you laugh, characters that will make you cry, and lots of hijinks and alcohol abuse. South Korean film-making is so good Kim Jong Il, in his infinite crazyness once kidnapped a film-maker and his wife, a former actress. Why? Because he wanted him to “Make good films”, which apparently iron-fisting and opium farming can’t provide on it’s own. Silly freedom and it’s good film-making!! At any rate, I’d recommend some, but my favorite (Exhibition of Fireworks) is not working right now. Just read the synopses for them and pick one. Give that at least two full episodes (they’re broken up due to size), you’ll be hooked.

If you get the ITIS this Thanksgiving now you have some clever sport to add to the holiday when you wake up. Try out my kind of fun!

One of the coolest things about having your own blog is being able to say whatever you like. Apparently that’s the cool thing about being a “news journalist”.

The main concern here is not about saving the children, it’s not how VERY realistic a game is, it’s not the worry of  “assimilating killing people” (although that’s precious), the main concern here is that people with alternate reality syndrome  have been trying to kill just about everything awesome since always.

It’s a true fact that you could buy a mature-rated game as an adult consumer and place it in your family home. If you don’t lock up the controller batteries with your firearm ammunition, any child in your home could play it (unless you’re actually parenting). Assuming you aren’t, I don’t think Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is the biggest concern in regard to your child’s upbringing.

Furthermore, our culture loves to attract children away from the so-called wastefulness of videogaming and into the mind-expansion and education of learning by way of reading books. Five of the ten most controversial books on this list were taught as curriculum for my public high school education. I, and the rest of my classmates have been exposed to drug use, sex, suicide, anarchy, torture, rape, murder, terrorism, ridiculous amounts of profanity, not to mention over 200 uses of the word “nigger” in a single novel; all through the power of reading.

I’m not suggesting censorship. I really liked most of the five books, as their masterful storytelling impacts a mind within the safety of pages, rather than through the harsh reality of living these experiences. This is some quality literature! Any child can walk into any bookstore and purchase exposure worse than you’d find in videogames. Flashy pictures on the screen make it no more impactful.

We’re not getting rid of naughty books, we won’t hold back naughty comics, and we haven’t thrown away all our naughty television shows, music, and movies. Media bashing is nothing new: in 1805 Beethoven’s Fidelio was banned and censored. People will always try to blame stupid behavior on media influences.

The debate about realism is always stupid. Ten years ago there were games that are nothing but pixelated shit today that people at the time considered far too realistic to sell. See Mortal Kombat, Doom, and amusingly enough Death Race if you want to see what culture used to condemn as far too realistic.

Soon enough, the so-real graphics of today’s games will follow suit as technology improves, even so it will never be interesting enough to compare to the resolution and impact of real life (which we all know consists of rolling around a giant ball and collecting lots of random stuff, thanks to Katamari Damacy).

It’s also interesting that a game that focuses on making you the most laudable heroic American-type hero ever–notably something Fox News glorifies–is getting pissed on for a mission where you INFILTRATE terrorist cells. To destroy them. What, seriously? It’s one thing to gripe about killing hookers in the Grand Theft Auto series, you can actually do that, and there’s no two ways about it. You are killing hookers. But seriously? It’s some mad doublespeak to be able to twist a good soldier into a bent terrorist. For shit sake, you’re ordered not to fire until fired upon in one of the first levels in the game. Claiming that this game is just out to make killers is absurd to anyone who knows anything about the series.

After watching this clip it should be obvious what is the bigger threat to society.

With the new season of Heroes interrupting my Mondays, my constant annoyance with shows like Fringe, and my happiness at the thought of new comic book films, I am always debating which awesome superpower I want.

It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.

Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.

• “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.

• “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.

• “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.

• “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.

• “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.

I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!

Ladies, we all know how much sexier Zachary Quinto is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie than creepy mother-fucker Sylar on Heroes. There’s a reason: Spock is far more datable than Sylar. That much is obvious. But how datable is Spock himself? I explore this strange, new concept through anecdote and my own clever deductions.

Now I had to look it up, but I remember the episode where Spock was captured by Nazis and tortured for information about the Enterprise shirtless. I know it was like a million years ago when that episode was filmed (or technically, hundreds of years in the future), but Spock was showing off his man-pecs effectively enough to ensure his hottie status. The episode is called “Patterns of Force” from the original series if you want to see what I mean. No manscaping back then, but he looks better than Kirk–who is shirtless in like 20% of Star Trek episodes. He also looks better than Will Riker from The Next Generation. Suck it, Will Riker.

Next: Spock’s sensitive! I know you’re about to argue me on this because “Blah, blah, Vulcans hate emotions, blah, blah”, but we all know how happy he was when he was infected with Omicron Spores and got to live in  paradise and even confessed his love  to the botanist chicky during this time–before Kirk (who was unaffected) ruined it for everyone. This episode is called “This Side of Paradise” because it was.

Before that Spock expressed something like actual joy when his betrothed skank T’Pring made him and Kirk fight to the death while Spock was all plak tow-ed. Spock thought he killed Kirk only to find it was a ruse that Kirk and McCoy planned in order to save the captain. He was all “JIM!!!” and stuff. That’s Vulcan for “Holy shit, man! I’m filled with delight”.

He also plays the Vulcan Lute. Chicks love musicians.

Girls also love witty quips  from emotionally unavailable guys, so there you have two full demographics of female wants completely covered with Spock. Girls who want innocent, sensitive men; and psychos who want emotionally unavailable smartasses.

He lives a lot longer and healthier than normal men, since he’s half-Vulcan, and if you can keep him in the spores, he’s pretty much the nicest, smartest guy ever.

He’d be totally datable and he’s very loyal–as exhibited on the Enterprise in probably 70% of episodes. He’s unlikely to cheat (except for cheating death) because he doesn’t lie. And chances are high that he doesn’t have the herpes.

I have to down-rate him for his completely ridiculous adoration for both Star Fleet and Captain Kirk. You should always come first, ladies, no matter if he’s in his pon farr or not. There’s also the chance that he’s more into guys than girls. Good news for military gays!! This makes him way more datable to you. Bad news for creatures with vaginas that are NOT Captain Kirk.

Points off for his potential crush on Kirk, his obsession with Star Fleet over anything ever, and his 7-year wait for pon farr. Of course, if you can just hit him with spores, none of that will matter! He’ll be happy too, so you don’t have to feel like a poisoning psycho bitch. About his time infected he later reflects that this was the first time in his life at which he had felt happy.

Overall, I’d give Mr. Spock 4 Cake-Pies out of 5 for datability. Did I mention Vulcans have two sets of eyelids? Well, they do.