Cake-Pie

With the new season of Heroes interrupting my Mondays, my constant annoyance with shows like Fringe, and my happiness at the thought of new comic book films, I am always debating which awesome superpower I want.

It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.

Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.

• “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.

• “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.

• “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.

• “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.

• “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.

I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!

So people tell me all the time that I have anger issues. Overall, the unwashed masses aren’t very observant about things outside themselves, so I ignore them. This is the right thing to do, and here’s why: They tell me this because I swear at screens and not people–clearly they can’t seem to tell the difference.

As far as I can tell, no one has deliberately made an Anger Quest game or Fuck You, Your Character Dies adventure; but sometimes it feels that way. REAL gamers just play their games, and continue to do it until the yelling sounds like this: “Fuck you Game! How did you like that? That’s me winning.”

Most of the noise I make is when I school my AI opponents. It tends to be loud, sometimes really racist (“Dwarves are stupid”), and often occurs when I’m in a hurry to collect phat l00t and some NPC is jibber-jabbering at me. I’m just saying what you’re thinking, only out loud: “Shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. Where’s my goddamned gold? Sweet! Now I can breathe underwater!”

Unfortunately, fighting games make me look like a wife beater. Which says a lot, since I’m a woman. Sometimes people give me shifty-eyes for days when they play a fighting game with me. Especially Soul Calibur IV. Everyone talks a little trash now and then, and if you don’t, it’s because you’re undead. Nobody cares about you.

What happens to many of us, though, is we relax, forget that gaming is Vital to our self-worth, and we are polite when playing with our friends. What happens to me is that I never forget. You hit me with Astaroth’s stupid fucking axe in that annoying circular swipe move? Well, regard that as your moment because soon I’ll be Kancho-ing you with Xianghua’s Tai Chi sword like it’s Christmas for weird people. I’ll really enjoy it. If you’re kicking my ass (as if) I’ll remain silent until it’s my turn.

Here’s the part where I really sell you on this not being about anger: I swear at screens when no one else is around. I swear playing single-player games. I swear when I’m winning. I swear when I play Katamari Damacy.

People with anger issues get all fussy and  throw their $50 controllers at their $800 TV’s because they missed a jump and now they have to go all the way around just to try again. Again. They get pissed off when you beat them over and over in Mortal Kombat, they also call all your moves cheap. They refuse to EVER play Counter-Strike again because of “Fucking Campers”, ie: because they lost.

I can be guilty of videogaming extroversion. Maybe you’re just like me. You know, talking to NPC’s like they’re real, crying when the ones you like die, and tossing one-liner insults at the ones you don’t like as if they can hear it.

Highly delusional. But just happy as a clam.

Not everyone is a gamer. Let’s just start there. But for some reason we still feel the need to categorize THE GAMER. Perhaps it’s because many of us have been trained from a young age by these games to level ourselves up, and one way to do this is to promote our own hard-coreness, and demote your old-school-ity. Suck it, n00b!

Nonetheless, we do push typing. In 2006 money was actually spent in market research to “type” gamers by the Park Associates. They decided game purchasers fell into six categories: Power Gamers, Social Gamers, Leisure Gamers, Dormant Gamers, Incidental Gamers, and Occasional Gamers. Of course, this research was done via an online poll, so no matter how you slice it you’re more likely to get game data that represents a different group than, say, people who do not spend time gaming online. I’m sure they did a lot of very professional surveys, really science-y and all. But of the 2000 or so people they managed to tally data from, human beings still deciphered the results.

Guess what, punks? I’ve logged many, many hours at GameStop. I’ve observed some gamers, and obviously I know some gamers. My typing is wise and powerful. Suck it, n00bs!

• Type A: “The Biggest Hits Gamer”. This gamer shows up on release date and wants the new game. Not that fucking movie-licensed game! “No, I don’t want to wait one extra day I’m playing this shit right now.” They smoke games for breakfast. Owns: PS3, Xbox 360, Metal Gear Solid 4, Madden 2010, and a High-definition TV with the right fucking cables.

• Type B: “I buy the Best”. Yeah they do. And they buy it in the plastic. Gamers of this type are identified by their random buys from nearly any platform. They want whatever has been rated highly, or whatever is over $100 on eBay. If you ask them what their favorite games are, they annoyingly have articulate things to say about all of them. Owns: PC, PS2, Suikoden 2, Portal, Okami, and some rare shit from Japan. Ask them. I bet they play imports.

• Type C: “HOLY SHIT!”. I know. Not much help? Well this gamer buys games that have pictures of their heroes on the cover. They meander in when they happen to be in the mall, or they have money burning a hole in their pocket. It occurs to them to buy a game usually on a whim, or if The New Movie came out and advertised that it made a game too. Owns: Xbox 360, Wii, PSP, Naruto games, Dragon Ball Z, NBA Live, and probably the newest movie-licensed game.

• Type D: “Has the Price Dropped?”. This gamer type usually gets lumped in the casual groups. They’re the most likely to beat any game they buy, because they’d really like to trade it back in and get new games while they still can. You see something under $10 with a cool cover? Hell’s yeah. I think these guys are pretty smart, because honestly, some of those games are fantastic. Owns: PS2, GBA, rotating selection of games like Max Payne, Oni, Metroid Fusion, and some WWE game.

• Type E: “I Only Play With Friends”. This type used to be a LOT more common when there were thousands of MMOs to play. This gamer wants the co-op games, the MMOs, and the music games. Naturally, there are sub-groups to this type! There is “The WoW Player”–they own World of Warcraft and a computer. Anything else they own was bought in The Beforetime. Then there’s “The Co-Oper”–they own a Wii, Xbox 360, Lego Star Wars, Left 4 Dead, or like, Army of Two. You also have your “Music/DDR Player”. This group used to include the kids at the arcade who could do Max 300 on Expert without the bar. They own a Wii, Gamecube, Xbox 360 OR PS3, and probably Rock Band–they also bought songs for it.

• Type F: “I Don’t Play Well With Others”. Again, this type has sub-grouping. You have your “Fraggers”, they own all of Call of Duty, Half-life, or Halo. They always have a favorite. They will fucking bury you. They probably even unlocked all those stupid ranks in America’s Army. The next type: “Pwners”, plays Warcraft 3, Starcraft, and/or Diablo 2. Still. The last group, “I am Undefined”, you don’t see often, they’re not in those fucking surveys. Their school is old, their core is hard. They own original systems like Atari, NES, and possibly even a NEO GEO. And they didn’t buy it at a yard sale like you did. They just kept it from when it came out. Usually though, these are PC gamers. They got into games to get away from people. Maybe they’re awkward, or maybe people don’t interest them. For whatever reason, they own a lot of the same games the rest of us buy, as long as it’s not fucking online, or requires goddamn friends to come over. They DO NOT own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, they will never play WoW, and you probably don’t want to ask them how many hours they’ve logged in Civilizations, Legend of Zelda, or X-COM.

Overall, it’s less about what specific games people play. Many people ultimately own a lot of the same exact games despite being different gamer types. People are typically motivated by what they want, so the people these types represent are just that. Wants! You may find elite and casual gamers spanning throughout many of these categories. What type are you?

I’m going to have a hard time writing this particular entry without including as many Godfather, Goodfellas, and Sopranos quotes as I know. Bonus points to you if you get the references after I’m done bastardizing them with Mafia Wars Sorority Life.

You read that right. And if you know anything about Facebook, you know yourself some Mafia Wars! But did you know there’s a similar game suited more appropriately for les femmes? Yus! You’ve probably seen their ads on Facebook and said to yourself: “No. Fucking. Way.” Well I am now House Mother of a growing Sorority Life family Sisterhood.

And for you, my audience, it doesn’t have to be my daughter’s wedding day for me to take the bullet, try this game, and then report back. I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see.

I’ve had a morbid curiosity with these Facebook apps ever since My Heroes Ability, which is a game that gives you superpowers that you use on your friends, enemies, and random mobs. It’s free to play, at the time it was pretty addictive (not too many great apps on Facebook back then) and you can, like, paint the future and stuff.

I’d made a specialty out of knowing my free MMO’s back in my Computer Games Magazine days, and naturally in my search I stumbled upon a lot of regular ole Flash games–some of them were very innovative. Even so, Facebook has some really great applications that trump a lot of the free MMO-style games on the web both then and now.

I love the instant gratification I get from playing on Facebook, how I can coerce certain male players into joining my Sorority House Cake PI (seriously awesome name for a sorority house.) I even created a Facebook group for my Sisters to meet up–and it has a Code of Conduct!

It’s like I’m a real House Mother, except that I’d probably be trying to have LESS women in my house than trying to have as many sisters as possible. So far it’s been fun! I’m a multi-millionaire, I have like two jets, two Escalades, a yacht, and probably hundreds of shoes. The best part? No extra carbon footprint! It’s like all the benefits of hoarding expensive goods without any drawbacks!

I don’t even pay for storage. Although I do pay upkeep costs.

Overall I never really dug Mafia Wars. It wasn’t because you had to friend hundreds of strangers to improve you chances of moving up the ladder. You do that in Sorority Life too. I guess I just don’t like violence. I’m a businesswoman. Blood is a big expense. I much prefer to spend my money on fabulous dresses, accessories, and hairstyles.

So join me in my evil ways. Be a part of my Sorority House Group Cake PI on facebook. You should be able to find me and friend me with “SL” in your message for a friend request.

Just don’t ever take sides with anyone against the House again. Ever.

It has recently come to my attention that the game magazine I used to work for (which is now sadly dead) is not buried, but somewhat zombie-like.

As you may know from reading my About page I used to be on staff at Computer Games Magazine, and when we launched our new gaming magazine MASSIVE (which turned into MMO Games due to another magazine named massive) I followed there as well. It was really awesome for every reason you can think of. I even got this free chair which everyone insists is a sex chair (but is clearly NOT). Bottom line: E3, Games, NON-sex chair, Meeting EVERYONE. It was sweet like pocky.

It all ended when CGM’s publisher got into trouble for spamming with another project completely unrelated to CGM or MMO Games Magazine. So you can imagine how sad we all were when we were told that the publisher lost the lawsuit, everyone had to leave, and the magazines were gone forever. I really did <3 CGM and the different voice we had in the game world. We had the largest female readership, and we had possibly the smartest reader’s letters.

I got all nostalgic and Googled: “computer games magazine” articles (then added) “tiffany martin” in the hopes that someone out there remembered. Someone out there still believed. Someone out there had copied articles onto their website illegally and I could still read them. Instead, I found two very unusual things: archives at our old website www.cgonline.com, and Troy S. Goodfellow.

Troy and I used to both write for CGM and I was just tickled to see he was blogging out there somewhere. Check out his site at www.flashofsteel.com and if you’re a strategy gamer you can listen to his podcast Three Moves Ahead with actor Tom Chick who was Oscar’s boyfriend in The Office (he does other stuff, too, or so I hear), Julian Murdoch, and Bruce Geryk–another old CGM-er.

It’s really nice to scroll through old articles and remember some good times, shitty games I had to review, and great E3 interviews. I also recall the time I scammed my way into the behind-closed-doors area of the Nintendo booth at one E3. Or the time a Russian Developer gave me a bottle of Vodka–I shit you not.

It was the best of times, and it really was. Working right near home, and traveling far, far away. Who could want for more?

You read that right. I’m touching it. Fanboys fuck yourselves because everyone does NOT need a PS3.

Just because the price is $299 now and you already have an Xbox 360 and a Wii does not mean you now should own the PS3 to complete the holy trinity of this generation of consoles. For serious.

Now that you believe me, I’ll make sure you hear me out. Some people really ought to buy a PS3. If for example, you have your Metal Gear Solid Collector’s Edition Solid Snake Commemorative Plate stacked next to your hand-knit Sackboy and your enormous selection of Blu-ray discs and you DON’T own a PS3 you should post your address here so everyone knows whose house to rob. You should also update your health insurance. Trust me on this. You’ll need it.

Essentially it all boils down to The Games. You can argue all day long about how superior the hardware is–and win–because it’s true and I hate you, but the reality is that none of that matters. It could be the hardware lovechild of super-hot robot model chicks, Wayne Gretzky and Chuck Norris, then hatch from a New Egg and I still wouldn’t care. The thing might only play Shaq Fu and Zero Wing and that’s bullshit.

Bottom line: Do you need a Blu-ray player + you play videogames? Are there games on PS3 or the Playstation Network you absolutely know you want to play (and you can only play on PS3)? Do you already own another more dominant console? It’s your money.

It’s sexy, it’s sleek, it’s the fastest car on the block, but just don’t buy it because your penis is small. Ladies, you either! Get it because you can’t live without SOCOM, Little Big Planet, Valkyria Chronicles, MGS 4, Disgaea 3, and Resistance Fall of Man 1 and 2. Otherwise you’re going to be playing shit like Lair and Heavenly Sword. They’re not bad games, but are they worth $299?

No. They are fucking not.

Well, my birthday wish did not come true: My Rock Band achievements have not been accomplished–YET!

The main hangup is even though the universe has sought to bless me with at LEAST four players who are Expert level Rock Band Drummers, not ONE of them can beat Dream Theater’s Panic Attack. I made a checklist of why this is bullshit.

• Three out of Four of these fuckers owns the Ion drumset. You don’t pay $300 for a set of plastic drums for a pretend band in a videogame if you do not KICK ASS, ie: have the ability to beat every song on expert. It is just not done.
• Everyone was whining about how hard Foo Fighters’ Everlong was, and then bragged all over the place about how now that they could beat Everlong they were complete as Expert pretend drummers. Apparently not!
• My friends who are real life actual drum players don’t play videogames. This could be because they’re practicing their music, but whatever. They’re not going to be able to beat Panic Attack either.

I also seem to only know three players who can play expert Guitar or Bass on every song. Which is fine, because I know about a half dozen more who can play Hard consistently and Expert on the easier songs. Since a lot of these people (like real guitar players in real life) are multi-classers they can take the load off of my High-level Drummers/Strings by helping out on easier songs. This increases my chances of success.

Coordinating all these people is going to be a challenge since for some reason many of them seem to have real jobs or something. Grabbing the six-eight people I want for true Platinum success as a real achievement is asking a lot when you need a minimum of 6 hours and 15 minutes to beat this setlist.

I still believe I can make it so. I’ll keep the updates on here. Once I get this achievement you will see some Cake-Pie fly. Which is a lot more awesome than pigs. No matter how many pigs you use.

This is my Moriarty. And for you literature people out there, The Final Problem.

You see, there’s this ancient and powerful artifact crafted by strange and powerful gods, it holds its user in its thrall, forcing them to succumb to its will, releasing its captives only when they complete their quest.

“You must beat all 84 songs on The Endless Setlist. I am Rock Band. You will OBEY.”

Naturally, when it comes to Xbox 360 games I’m an achievements whore. This means in order to get all the achievements I must follow orders. I must defeat the final boss: The Endless Setlist.

I have to do this on Expert. Because everyone knows (even you!) that games don’t begin until you play them on Expert. Problem is, gathering your party members together for the task.

First, you have non-traditional party members: you have a drummer, a bass player, a guitarist and a vocalist. The only spell you get is “Overdrive”, giving your whole party a boost to their attacks against the song. The great thing about collecting enough MP/Mana to use this spell is that it also doubles as a resurrection spell in case someone dies. It’s very useful, but with an absence of other spells and with limited weapons you have to be skilled enough to beat the boss with actual skill.

This is where Livingston and Pizza bribes come in.

“That’s a pretty sweet quest reward,” you might say. And it’s true! But the problem is, you also unlock extra achievements if you pull this shit off without pausing the game, disconnecting any controllers, or dying. So no peeing. Unless you’re really quick, or disgusting. And I have a rule in my house: no peeing outside of the designated potty. For fuck’s sake, ew.

Adding males to your party might make this easier, as Rock Band 1 suggests “When you’re in a rock band keep an empty bottle in the van. You’ll see.” Males do have the drawback of smelling pretty ripe after about 2-4 hours of Expert play.

I think the key here is adding the “Hey bitches, it’s my birthday tomorrow. You OWE me.” factor. Wait to see if it works! Wish me luck, unless you’re on my hitlist of friends who can play on Expert. Because then you should avoid drinking anything until Thursday.

I sure wish Dr. House knew how to play Rock Band.

Obviously this is in reference to the wildly popular Powerthirst video spilling all over youtube (for about two years now) like some kind of awesome plague. Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be great if instead of suffering a horrible death, you got a sweet plague where people all grew an extra set of thumbs or could burp strawberries? I know. Random.

But seriously! If people could dream we’d see some really great video games coming down the pipe. I know it’s a completely new idea to suggest that game developers allow imaginative titles to escape their programming grasp, so please be patient with my wacky new-fangled suggestion. I do want wacky ideas that look like they come from not only the smoking of crack, but the imbibing of alcoholic beverages, and living in Japan. True fact: Hideo Kojima lives in Japan. Not enough proof?

Let’s remember back to Katamari Damacy. Start that game up, watch the opening sequence. You think you’re seeing the badger badger mushroom flash cartoon with some kind of LSD add-on pack that was imbedded in your game case. You try to tell your gamer friends about it and they look at you like you’re a crazy person. “No seriously, this guy gets drunk and breaks the night sky. Yes, he’s the King, no you don’t kill anything. You just grab stuff in a ball.”

And that was a $20 game.

/em: pause for effect

Now, as you know Muramasa has just come out. You don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go watch the game trailer, and while you’re at it look up Bayonetta. Anyway, I haven’t played it just yet (still wearing down those fucking Rock Band achievements). But I will soon, and when I do, I plan to be blown away. Nay, amazed! I wouldn’t be surprised if that game made me pregnant.

400 Babies?

Cake-Pie is the answer to the most important question. Not 42. And not “Yes.” It is the natural evolution of food and especially of The Best Food. You should be unsurprised to find that when asked in the future “Which do you prefer? Cake or Pie?” your response is CAKE-PIE! If you want to know if Pirates or Ninja are better, well, you’re going to be pretty screwed because the jury is still out on that one.

This blog may feature Pirates or Ninja from time to time but is mostly not about them. I don’t care if you think my choice to capitalize those nouns is wrong, incorrect, or somehow damaging to grammar. I just properly spelled grammar, and because I can do that I have full liberty to meddle with style choices like CAPITAL LETTERS. Suck it!

It’s almost painful writing a first blog post, because right now you really have no incentive to read it, knowing nothing about me or what the hell I want to write. Or who the fuck writes like that. Really?! Mostly you will be able to follow along nicely if you like things like Pie or Cake, or if you’re a friend to geeks, nerds, dorks, or Star Trek fans. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

That was a rhetorical question.

If you look down the aisle at any grocery store line, you’re statistically looking at 40% more Star Trek fans than you think you are. We’re everywhere. Just saying.

I plan on keeping things interesting, but honest. Which explains all the swearing clever word choices I like to partake of. You may get to hear the latest story about how I did something cool to someone else while playing a videogame. Yes, cool. I don’t care how much they cried about it. Or maybe I’ll tell you the latest D&D joke. Btw, what did one Druid say to the other? Nothing, they were using Wild Shape. They just woofed.

I also plan to write up some occasional observations about random geek culture. Overall, these will be limited to my imagination. And as John Lennon says: “Reality leaves a lot to the imagination”.