He very much wants to kill you

Censored and banned all over the place when it was released for the PC in 1997 (and not just based on this amazing cover art) Carmageddon still managed to wow gamer audiences and drove itself into sequel: Carmageddon 2: Carpocalypse Now.

Now I’m not just impressed by a game’s controversy. If you’ve actually played Carmageddon (please not on the N64) you know its glory. This game is just so good. I mean, you can run over people, you can do sweet tricks with the various ramps, you can race like a care bear and try not to die trying to place first, or you can just try to kill your opponents. In C2 you can make all the people have really huge heads.  It’s magic.

Sadly, like many classic games, this is not the kind of thing you can go back to play. So you have somewhat of a vague understanding of why I’m really glad to see a Kickstarter for this classic death racing game, here’s the best part: $15 buys you this game when it’s out.

Other than Stainless having a pretty good sense of humor, I feel inspired by the fact that they claim to have already invested a quarter of a million into this project of their own money. I like that they are willing to bleed for this game, because blood seems to be a special ingredient for making a good Carmageddon. I mean, with a lot of old fans like me wanting to see this work, they have to be able to deliver. Otherwise someone could drive a car through their house out of spite or something. I mean, fans are jerks (ask BioWare), and I’d hate it if something made Jack Thompson right. Basically what I’m saying is: Stainless Games, you can’t disappoint rabid Car Killing game fans. You just can’t. They’re savages (probably).

Also, I want to play a good game, and isn’t what I want just so important? SOOOOO IMPORTANT!!

We do tend to give credit to the game that makes the concept popular, which isn’t always the original, and really if you keep digging you’ll find that even BAM isn’t the first because in some ways earlier games encompassed Roguelike characteristics or were created for obscure platforms. But guys, I said I was laying down the law here, and unless someone can convince me otherwise then I’m officially calling BAM the first Roguelike.

So, blah blah Roguelike, what the heck is it?

Generally, a Roguelike is defined by some pretty specific stuff, but as for me, I’d call a game roguelike if it met a general feel or enough boxes on a list. It’s best if we make such a list, don’t you think?

• Randomization: The game will offer dungeons where the maps are different every time you play. This doesn’t have to mean every map is different (special levels, scripted events, and world maps get a free pass) but in general you can’t win by remembering where things are from last time you played. If that weren’t enough, some games randomize items, spells, weapons, and more. By that I mean if you pick up a blue potion, you will have no idea what it does. It could be a potion of “gain an extra limb”, or a potion of “kill you immediately”. All of your weapons could be +1, -1, or -30 and cursed.

• Permadeath: It means business. If the game lets you play again after you die (from where you were) and lets you keep your crap you found in the dungeon then it’s missing a key feature that makes a true Roguelike. Of course, this does not apply to in-game features like amulets of life saving, “bring me back to life” spells, or extra lives earned from doing things. It also does not apply to saving the game, not dying, and then hopping back in the game to win it for the team. I’ve played some games with other features besides the dungeon, so you could still keep playing and re-enter the dungeon after dying inside. This is cool by me too, as long as you don’t get to take anything with you.

• Turn-based Combat: I don’t think I’ve played a game that I would consider a Roguelike that has real-time combat (okay, so an exception for Diablo II on hardcore or Dark Cloud does apply here), and while I would not call it disqualifying for a game to NOT be turn-based, the turn-based combat can serve to include a game classically into the genre. In addition, I am not opposed to games bucking the trend and still being a total Roguelike. Progress and all.

• Ascension: Basically the reason for playing. In many games, you start at the top or bottom of a dungeon, and your goal is to either ascend to the top and get out; or descend, grab something, and then make it out to the top again. Other variations apply, like “defeating” various dungeons until you’ve won, or other such variations. Classically, ascension is the word used to describe winning a Roguelike (i.e. I ascended in Nethack).

Those are some classic definitions, so here are some of my own:

• Tactical Thinking: Roguelikes are truly strategy games, and so in that vein they should force you to think cleverly. If that just means good item decisions and escape techniques, then so be it. If that means leveling up your pets and painstakingly farming enemies until you can take on harder levels then even better. I love those agonizing choices where you have to figure out if you should try that blue potion out of desperation or attack the monster and pray that he doesn’t turn you to stone. When failure really feels this severe it makes your choices all the more important.

• Phat Loots: While technically not a requirement, games should have lots of STUFF to collect, identify, use or abuse. I mean, if you’re walking around a dungeon with no items then it’s a crappy dungeon and shame on the game developer. Roguelikes should be veritable cornucopias of crap: scrolls of cancellation, potions of acid, helms of greater strength, wizard hats, and possibly cans of Grue meat. Many games limit what you can carry but that’s just fine as long as you can find a lot of stuff.

• Monsters: Dungeons are loaded with stuff to kill. Kill it, take its stuff/exp/gold/zorkmids etc. and use it to build a better chance to ascend.

• Dungeon Levels: Can’t ascend if there’s nowhere to go. Even in games where there isn’t a “one main dungeon” you should be able to continue down or up until you’re through a dungeon. Without this, it feels like a “level” instead of a dungeon.

• Frequent death: You should be dying a lot. All the time. On fire. If you aren’t, the game should be making it really hard for you to win/get awesome stuff, or you’re really, really clever (yeah, right). There should be so many deaths your character has no more identity and is just another pawn in your desperate attempt to conquer.

Now I’m an expert, right? How do I start playing these? 

Oh you want to play one? Awesome! These games can be so rewarding and engaging! But first know this: you will die. A lot. Often. Doesn’t matter. Do not expect to beat a Roguelike in a year, two years, or ever. If you do beat it, gloat and share your ascension (with pics) with all the world because you earned it.

Most of these games take a long time to learn, but of course after you’ve learned a few there are enough features in common that it makes it easier to learn the next one.

A great starting Roguelike would be Dungeons of Dredmor, (which is something you can pick up on Steam for like $5), it will let you die over and over like you’re supposed to, but it’s easy to learn, has a graphical interface (many Roguelikes are in old-school ASCII or have tilesets for graphics), and tons of versatility. Plus lots of stuff named after nerd culture.

If you don’t roll that way and you want to try something stupid, hard, and likely to discourage you with its complexity, might I recommend the classic Nethack? It’s free, requires you to read manuals, has a number of unintuitive commands available, and there are 50 floors + a bunch of non-dungeon floors. It’s grind-heavy, merciless, complicated, and very big. It’s a very good example of the genre, and it’s perfect for nerdy intellectual types who whine that “Myst games are too easy”. Also an excellent choice if you liked Demon’s Souls (i.e. dying all the time).

For example, it can take the balls off of epic.

You know what I’m talking about. Suddenly getting a free size upgrade on your coffee is EPIC, or saying something clever about your friend’s mom. Something like “We told her that drinks were ‘on the house’ and she grabbed a ladder.” It doesn’t matter. I hate your mom.

Epic used to mean something. Now it’s ruined by overuse. $10 off the Starcraft Battlechest is NOT epic. OWNING a life-size model of a Protoss is. Having an extra fiver is not epic. Getting attacked by a shark–and living–is. Going bowling with your stupid friends is not epic. Bowling a 300 game is.

In the old days, when someone wanted to get your fucking attention, it was an effort of will to present you with something so out there, so absolutely in-your-face that you had to give pause. Your only recourse: awe.

Those were the days when you could tell an alien was bad-ass because it could pick up Lt. Worf and hurl him across the bridge of the Enterprise. You paid attention. That was not regular shit. Regular shit like “Blah, blah, blah, we’re going to blow up the Enterprise” did not even get your brain on vibrate. You see that all the time.

Is this a reflection of lowering standards? Do you find excellence in mundanity? Or are you forgetting there’s a spectrum of things between “meh” and “epic” you’re just not using because you’re lazy? Let’s try a few examples.

“My horse just leaped over my little brother!”

This is an example of “Sweet, dude!!” One where something has occurred to get your attention, and is unusual for sure! But it’s lacking a certain awesome-du-jour that becomes truly impressive. It’s pretty cool, but not gosu.

“I have a foil Masticore!!”

This is an example of no one gives a shit. Please go share your pointless story with someone else. Unless…

“I only need one Oath of Druids in order to complete my M:tG deck for this tournament, I need to submit my deck in five minutes, and no one will trade with me for anything but a Masticore. This one jackass has extra Oaths and won’t even let me borrow one with collateral. This is the worst! Hmmm, I have just enough money to buy ONE booster pack of Urza’s Destiny–what the heck, it’s the newest expansion right now.” [rip open pack] “SHIT! I just got a foil Masticore!!”

THAT sir, is pretty darned amazing.

All the douches: “Hey, can I trade you for that? I’ll give you this Oath of Druids”

Now here’s what Epic is.

[Player opens his mouth, and inserts foil Masticore.]

“Nom, Nom, Nom. Fuck you, assholes!”