Thursday: Joe Kozachek drove us from Burlington, Vermont and while he drove, I worked really hard at looking at stuff. We made it to Cambridge around 5:30ish where I took the Green Line from the Science Center to my destination: HYNES! Obejective: Make it to my Gameshark dinner with Troy Goodfellow, Jenn Cutter, Meghan Watt, and Rob Zacny, PLUS have time to grab my media badge for tomorrow. I was really excited to meet Troy and Jenn for the first time IRL. Troy and I used to write for CGM back in the days of yore, and I also guested on his podcast about the gender gap with Jenn Cutter and Lara Crigger.

My mission was a complete success thanks to Jenn, and I even conquered my insanely humongous bar meal which was really messy. I’m pretty sure I grossed everyone out. We saw a number of pre-PAX East nerds sporting POKEMON stuff, which made Jenn visibly squee. You see, Jenn <3’s Pokemons.

Next, I had to navigate the T system and make it to Cambridge, where the generous Ben Webster of MIT became my hospitable host. He was extremely thoughtful and gracious about me staying at his place with really short notice. Thank you, Sir Webster!

Friday: Welcome to the CLUSTERFUCK. I slept in, donned my Kombo.com shirt like I promised, and showed up to the Hynes about an hour or so early. There was an entire room devoted to the queue. To put that in perspective, imagine the lines at Disney. Now imagine you put all the lines from all the rides together, and you’re in a big room. These guys aren’t even in the queue room. That’s how packed this was. There was a line just to queue. Thankfully, there was queue entertainment which was freaking awesome. I was looking for a video online and didn’t find any, so let me know if you see it.

Went to the Journalists vs Devs: The Ultimate Grudge Match at 2pm featuring panelists Tim Gerritsen (Director of Product Development, Irrational Games), Chris Kohler (Editor, Games, Wired.com), John Drake (Publicist, Harmonix), Patrick Klepek (News Editor, G4), and moderating Jeff Green (Editor-in-Chief, EA). Patrick Klepek was representing the writers well, and probably reading my mind. Also, Jeff was kindof doing a weird not-journalist/not-dev hybrid thing as the host. Something about that sounds familiar but I’m not sure why.

It was great to see Jeff, and we had a few minutes to bond over our dead magazines before running away from the enforcers and Jeff’s adoring fans. We all support you! PS: Jeff Green has balls of steel.

Afterward, there was no way I was getting into the 3pm keynote hosted by Wil Wheaton. I was too late getting out of the panel to wait in the line to get in, which I suspected would happen. So instead I took a look around the Expo floor, and made mental notes about where I would focus my attention. I spoke to devs and others about their games, and miraculously forgot to bring my business cards to the show that day. Which was awesome, because I couldn’t give anyone anything to contact me with.

After futzing for a while around the Expo, I got texts inviting me to meet up with Jenn Cutter’s old buddies at G4 (formerly the superb TechTV) where Jenn used to work. We asked some hot firemen with cool Boston accents how to get to the TC Lounge, fulfilling one of Jenn Cutter’s life goals of hearing an authentic Boston accent. It was a hole in the wall, nearly empty, and strangely decorated with naked ladies and one of those claw arcade games with prizes—only all the prizes were like, asian porn for some reason.

The group was a little concerned that this was not where we were supposed to be, due to the weirdness. But after a while nerds were showing up and it was all good. Jenn introduced us to the amazingly cool Matt Keil, who was super smart and awesome. We talked about games the entire time. Rob left early with his girlfriend, a physicist, who is way cooler than him. Meghan couldn’t stop saying intelligent things and impressing me despite being female. What’s up with that?

We also met and talked with Adam Sessler for a while, which was intimidating at first, but he was so nice. I suggested a game of Rise of Nations with Adam, Matt, and myself. It sounded like the coolest  idea ever, mostly because they kept insisting that they suck at RTSs. Of course, we didn’t invite Troy to play, because he’d just pummel us into meat.

I asked Matt and Adam for business cards, that way I could e-mail them later—also because I didn’t have mine (stupid, huh?). Matt complied, and then Adam said something weird about not having any because he didn’t like to lose money needlessly. I was confused, but was left feeling respect for Adam’s financial savvy. Through the din we figured out that Adam thought I was asking if he had cards so we could play poker or something. It was too fucking loud  in the bar to hear anything. After clearing up that mishap, I offered to teach him how to school at poker, to which he declined, further insisting he was unteachable at poker.

It was the highlight of my day talking shop with such intelligent, informed people. They were so funny and had really interesting things to talk about. I was in awe of every single one of them, honestly. I had a great time watching the lovable Troy Goodfellow drink like a fish, and the adorable Jenn Cutter accidentally scare a hockey fan. Did I mention that Jenn Cutter is my personal badass hero?

I had to leave early and get back to Cambridge, but I had a stupid smile on my face all the way back.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I live in the cheerful, weather-lottery state of Vermont, formerly its own magical fairlyland Republic, long before Texas made it cool (true fact!). The great thing about living here is accessibility to bored nerds who have formed their own bizarre culture of board games, videogames, comics,  Star Trek, cosplay, role-play, and more! The downside: pick your weather out of a hat. It could be anything. Also, use a really cool hat!

A lot has happened since I dropped off the planet (I learned the hard way: the Earth is flat!) try and stay out of the sun while you read this list, you could get skin cancer (and I’m spiteful!).

• I was invited to be a guest panelist in This sweet Three Moves Ahead podcast! You like games, you should listen to it, it’s way better than listening to Rush Limbaugh! We talk about how weird it is that girls play videogames, Bayonetta, and also strategy gaming. If you’re into strategy keep up with Flash of Steel and their aforementioned podcast, it’s a great way to do the community thing.

• I started writing at Kombo.com but so far, I’ve only written a couple of pieces (you can find links on the sidebar by clicking “Kombo.com Articles“) . They have some really smart people writing, plus you can keep up with news and not have to deal with sensationalism in game journalism.

• I have Lyme Disease. Ticks bite you, you get sick. It’s a bitch. Mostly it sucks (har, har) because I’ve had to prioritize my health and I let CAKEPIE.COM slide!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! On the good side, I’m starting to feel a bit better, I hope you can look forward to more writing!

I love bullet points! They’re marginally better than numbered lists!

Thanks for reading, also thanks for commenting. I appreciate my small, but fantastically attractive community. Seriously, do you model?

One of the coolest things about having your own blog is being able to say whatever you like. Apparently that’s the cool thing about being a “news journalist”.

The main concern here is not about saving the children, it’s not how VERY realistic a game is, it’s not the worry of  “assimilating killing people” (although that’s precious), the main concern here is that people with alternate reality syndrome  have been trying to kill just about everything awesome since always.

It’s a true fact that you could buy a mature-rated game as an adult consumer and place it in your family home. If you don’t lock up the controller batteries with your firearm ammunition, any child in your home could play it (unless you’re actually parenting). Assuming you aren’t, I don’t think Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is the biggest concern in regard to your child’s upbringing.

Furthermore, our culture loves to attract children away from the so-called wastefulness of videogaming and into the mind-expansion and education of learning by way of reading books. Five of the ten most controversial books on this list were taught as curriculum for my public high school education. I, and the rest of my classmates have been exposed to drug use, sex, suicide, anarchy, torture, rape, murder, terrorism, ridiculous amounts of profanity, not to mention over 200 uses of the word “nigger” in a single novel; all through the power of reading.

I’m not suggesting censorship. I really liked most of the five books, as their masterful storytelling impacts a mind within the safety of pages, rather than through the harsh reality of living these experiences. This is some quality literature! Any child can walk into any bookstore and purchase exposure worse than you’d find in videogames. Flashy pictures on the screen make it no more impactful.

We’re not getting rid of naughty books, we won’t hold back naughty comics, and we haven’t thrown away all our naughty television shows, music, and movies. Media bashing is nothing new: in 1805 Beethoven’s Fidelio was banned and censored. People will always try to blame stupid behavior on media influences.

The debate about realism is always stupid. Ten years ago there were games that are nothing but pixelated shit today that people at the time considered far too realistic to sell. See Mortal Kombat, Doom, and amusingly enough Death Race if you want to see what culture used to condemn as far too realistic.

Soon enough, the so-real graphics of today’s games will follow suit as technology improves, even so it will never be interesting enough to compare to the resolution and impact of real life (which we all know consists of rolling around a giant ball and collecting lots of random stuff, thanks to Katamari Damacy).

It’s also interesting that a game that focuses on making you the most laudable heroic American-type hero ever–notably something Fox News glorifies–is getting pissed on for a mission where you INFILTRATE terrorist cells. To destroy them. What, seriously? It’s one thing to gripe about killing hookers in the Grand Theft Auto series, you can actually do that, and there’s no two ways about it. You are killing hookers. But seriously? It’s some mad doublespeak to be able to twist a good soldier into a bent terrorist. For shit sake, you’re ordered not to fire until fired upon in one of the first levels in the game. Claiming that this game is just out to make killers is absurd to anyone who knows anything about the series.

After watching this clip it should be obvious what is the bigger threat to society.

It doesn’t help when I have dreams where I can fly, or throw shit really, really far. I wake up and want to play Crackdown again. Really badly.

Clearly there are some powers that are ahead of the pack.

• “All your mind are belong to me.” Did you see that film Push? Well I couldn’t resist an action movie with Dakota Fanning. In that film there are characters that can get into your head and basically replace your thoughts with their commands, or change your memories. They can even force you to shoot yourself in the head. It’s kind of like Matt Parkman’s ability in Heroes. If you get this ability good enough, you can make people do whatever you want. Personally, I’d get that asshole driving in the lane next to me to turn off his fucking cell phone. Just sayin’.

• “I am unable to be vinced.” This is my personal favorite, and were I given one power this would be it. Wolverine, Claire Bennet, Sexy Vampires, in one form or another these characters are nigh indestructible. They don’t age, they heal quickly, and overall this gives them the best superpower ever: the ability to be reckless as fuck. Benefits include: not worrying about those silly bullet wounds, the latest fashions never look weird on you, and no fear of the swine flu.

• “I am the master of space and time.” Link, Hiro Nakamura, and Sailor Pluto all have manifested this ability. Sure, it sounds all great. I know a lot of people who would love to go collect things from the past and bring them back–assuming our universe is actually linear–and then be rich, or otherwise awesome. But you don’t live forever. Boy would it ever suck to die by an accidental use of a suicide booth.

• “I can FLY!!” Everyone wants to fly. Notable fliers include Peter Pan, Captain Planet, and practically everyone in the Justice League. The upsides to flying are obvious: you can travel to sweet paradise locations around the world for free, you can escape trouble, you can impress the ladies! But have you thought for a moment about the downsides? You’ll have to keep your cell phone turned off because everyone is going to want a “quick lift to work” or some other such obnoxiousness. You will never have an excuse to be late to anything. Chances are good that you’ll swallow bugs. No, thanks.

• “When I hit things, they don’t get back up.” You lack imagination!! But I’ll humor you. You could like, punch people across the room, and you could redecorate said room about as easily. It’s because you’re so strong you don’t take shit from anyone. Problem is that now you’re the global threat equivalent of China. You’re the strongest, biggest, and most powerful person in your stamp collecting club. The other members are probably not going to want to talk to you much. Don’t think powerfulness automatically gets you the prestige and respect an effective punch in the face usually generates. In a fight, you’re going to be targeted first because you stand out. Plus, you don’t heal faster! Notables include Niki Sanders, Hulk, and Glorificus.

I’m sure there are more sucky abilities to ponder, but why bother? If you don’t want one of these you’re a moron. While you’re at it, why not add a couple of magical powers, you know, for style!

But for the first time in history we have definitive proof that there is no all-seeing, all-knowing, loving, world/universe creator many religions refer to as God. Instead, there’s Disney.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. And it’s not just because of the mind reading devices I have installed in your brains. Or the key-loggers on your computers. It’s because it’s fucking obvious: “What’s up with the blasphemy!?” “Why would anyone hate on Disney!?” Obviously you’re not paying attention.

Disney not only killed Bambi’s mother just to make you cry, it also recently bought Marvel.

In the Disney Universe they do what they do very well. They take stories other people write, or find shit from folklore–like Lilo and Stitch for example–and mold it into their own vision: The historic tale of an alien misidentified as a dog living in Hawaii with possibly the awesomest child ever, and the tale of their eternal friendship, hi-jinks, and Elvis impersonations. If you think I’m making this shit up, remember: Disney did it first.

Now that I’ve kissed a little Disney ass for all the childhood entertainment I’ve gained from them (largely as a fully-grown adult, strangely), I am going to tell you why this company is going to turn everyone into atheists. I am going to do this in great detail. Those of you who already know about Marvel’s new Big Poppa have been avoiding thoughts of what’s to come, the possible changes to be made–and your natural fears surrounding them. I know this, and I’m still going to express every one of them… why? Just to make you cry. After all, it’s what Disney would want.

Assuming you know who Spider-Man is, you know that he’s already fucked. They kill him off every other issue, and there are multiple Spideyverses. Just try and keep up. Let’s not waste any more time crushing this franchise. Even if you were optimistic enough to enjoy the films, (hail, Willem Dafoe!) you can’t be happy knowing what bullshit they’re going to do when Sam Raimi is taken off the project when Disney asks to return Spider-Man to the lighthearted superhero of never. He’s just too dark, they’d say.

Then someone at Disney realizes they now own Wolverine. Oh. My. Fuck. And they thought Spidey was dark? He had a moral ambiguity? Yuh, sure, kid. Meet your maker. Wolverine kills everybody. Hey, maybe they’ll let Wolverine kill Spidey! And then he’ll wander around as a helpful spirit mascot to lend his advice and side-kick humor to the rest of the Marvel Universe.

Even better, maybe they’ll tame him. Hear me out. Wolverine mysteriously disappears with no explanation given and maybe a vague kidnapping scene. His absence is the key topic of interest among the other X-men, including the clone of Jean Grey. It turns out there is a new mutant with the power to reverse other mutant abilities, and he kidnapped Wolverine with some thready incentive and now Wolverine is normal. He keeps the adamantium, but is no longer indestructible. He’s so happy about this (for no reason) that now he’s that jovial old uncle that used to be in a biker gang (but he’s cool now!) and quips cleverly every so often as a side character to the more morally perfect Cyclops. Because ever since he had his regeneration taken away he’s been best friends with Cyclops. They play checkers and shit now.

It gets worse. Now you see, they also own Iron Man: a drunk, lady-fucker with a robot house and a slave. And by slave I don’t mean the robot house. I’m talking about Pepper, obviously. Good bye to that shit. He cleans up, marries Pepper, and goes into the checkers club with Cyclops and Wolverine.

Basically, any God that loves us would never allow this to happen. And naturally, since God’s rivals (usually Satan) are such haters, you know they love Marvel too, so they’re not involved in this bullshit. It’s the only explanation for what has now happened and cannot be undone.

Please, Disney, repent of your ways and sell the god-damned franchise to someone else. Maybe Costco? Ben & Jerry’s? Magneto?