As my beloved readers, you all know I’m heavily interested in games. I play boardgames like Settlers of Catan, collectible card games like Magic: the Gathering, PC games, Console games, and even stupid Facebook games.
I’ve been aware of baseball for a while now. I can tell you that my Ted Williams signed and authenticated photograph is still hidden safely away so that muggers and thieves can’t easily access it. I can tell you that Red Sox and Yankees fans are both pussies, and you all should be rooting for the Chicago Cubs. Even Ted Williams wanted to play for the Cubs, but he had a dreadful fear of bears, and so as it would happen he never played for them.
I hate all sports, including baseball, and though everyone keeps sending me tweets or facebook messages telling me I need to watch this game, or see so-and-so in action, I remain unswayed: baseball is not a game.
You’ve got these people–MEN, really–standing around a field doing almost nothing for 70% of the time, these fans (more obsessed with statistics arbitrarily decided to be important than watching the events in front of them), and oodles of merchandise scored more often than runs. Some “games” can last for hours with no runs scored at all. Famously, the Met-Astros “game” of 1968 had 23 1/2 innings with no one scoring a single run.
There has been some debate about certain sports like curling among the masses, general conversation that goes something like this: “Curling isn’t a sport!”. And this may be true. But curling is still a game. A real actual game. It has duration, and players; and people who watch it pay attention to those stones and sweepers. Most importantly, it’s in the Olympics. Something baseball can no longer boast.
That’s sad, really, as baseball was given medal status in the Barcelona Summer Olympics in 1992, only to have it rescinded for the future of Olympics, including the 2012 Summer games in London, England. It was the first sport ousted since water polo in 1936. Though baseball has been an exhibition sport since 1904, it has still not been granted legitimacy in the Olympic games despite everyone in the whole entire world watching it, and understanding how it works.
If baseball had some kind of awards show, or third-party recognition it would gain a lot more momentum toward being an actual “game”. The World Series is just an excuse for baseball players to perform their theater for their “fans”, and the Hall of Fame is little more than an abstract showing of players with the largest salaries, or the most fans. They may indeed be very good at their sport, but merit alone does not legitimize baseball into gamehood.
I recall a moment in time where I was browsing the local videogame store, and in walked the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen in such a place. He was tall, muscular, and had a sort of Matthew McConaughey charm. Not the typical customer, indeed. I’m ridiculously brave, and I planned to walk up to him and ask him about his gaming interests, hoping to strike a chord and get some for Mamma. As I drew nearer, I saw him browsing games and he picked up a copy of the latest MLB title from the shelf. I immediately lost all interest. This McConaughey impersonator was decidedly a fan of the worst delusion in sports, a man like that was clearly lacking in good taste, as well as judgement. Not only that, but he purchased a videogame version of a sport that can never be a game; not even if it’s made into a videogame. What girl would ever mack on a guy like that? He might as well be Carrot Top.
Overall, baseball will never be a real game, at least not during the lifespan of anyone who is alive now to disagree with me. It’s impossible! Not a videogame version, nor a film version, nor international appeal has been able to do it yet. You couldn’t even try to turn it into a CCG: because it’s been tried, and all that results is CC. That’s right Collectable Cards, minus the Game.
I rest my case.
Note: Careful observation will reveal satirical parallels with this article written by Roger Ebert and my own article. Mine’s better because I didn’t spend 90% of my page loading Youtube videos. Plus, more people agree with me.