Cake-Pie

As my beloved readers, you all know I’m heavily interested in games. I play boardgames like Settlers of Catan, collectible card games like Magic: the Gathering, PC games, Console games, and even stupid Facebook games.

I’ve been aware of baseball for a while now. I can tell you that my Ted Williams signed and authenticated photograph is still hidden safely away so that muggers and thieves can’t easily access it. I can tell you that Red Sox and Yankees fans are both pussies, and you all should be rooting for the Chicago Cubs. Even Ted Williams wanted to play for the Cubs, but he had a dreadful fear of bears, and so as it would happen he never played for them.

I hate all sports, including baseball, and though everyone keeps sending me tweets or facebook messages telling me I need to watch this game, or see so-and-so in action, I remain unswayed: baseball is not a game.

You’ve got these people–MEN, really–standing around a field doing almost nothing for 70% of the time, these fans (more obsessed with statistics arbitrarily decided to be important than watching the events in front of them), and oodles of merchandise scored more often than runs. Some “games” can last for hours with no runs scored at all. Famously, the Met-Astros “game” of 1968 had 23 1/2 innings with no one scoring a single run.

There has been some debate about certain sports like curling among the masses, general conversation that goes something like this: “Curling isn’t a sport!”. And this may be true. But curling is still a game. A real actual game. It has duration, and players; and people who watch it pay attention to those stones and sweepers. Most importantly, it’s in the Olympics. Something baseball can no longer boast.

That’s sad, really, as baseball was given medal status in the Barcelona Summer Olympics in 1992, only to have it rescinded for the future of Olympics, including the 2012 Summer games in London, England. It was the first sport ousted since water polo in 1936.  Though baseball has been an exhibition sport since 1904, it has still not been granted legitimacy in the Olympic games despite everyone in the whole entire world watching it, and understanding how it works.

If baseball had some kind of awards show, or third-party recognition it would gain a lot more momentum toward being an actual “game”. The World Series is just an excuse for baseball players to perform their theater for their “fans”, and the Hall of Fame is little more than an abstract showing of players with the largest salaries, or the most fans. They may indeed be very good at their sport, but merit alone does not legitimize baseball into gamehood.

I recall a moment in time where I was browsing the local videogame store, and in walked the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen in such a place. He was tall, muscular, and had a sort of Matthew McConaughey charm. Not the typical customer, indeed. I’m ridiculously brave, and I planned to walk up to him and ask him about his gaming interests, hoping to strike a chord and get some for Mamma. As I drew nearer, I saw him browsing games and he picked up a copy of the latest MLB title from the shelf. I immediately lost all interest. This McConaughey impersonator was decidedly a fan of the worst delusion in sports, a man like that was clearly lacking in good taste, as well as judgement. Not only that, but he purchased a videogame version of a sport that can never be a game; not even if it’s made into a videogame. What girl would ever mack on a guy like that? He might as well be Carrot Top.

Overall, baseball will never be a real game, at least not during the lifespan of anyone who is alive now to disagree with me. It’s impossible! Not a videogame version, nor a film version, nor international appeal has been able to do it yet. You couldn’t even try to turn it into a CCG: because it’s been tried, and all that results is CC. That’s right Collectable Cards, minus the Game.

I rest my case.

Note: Careful observation will reveal satirical parallels with this article written by Roger Ebert and my own article. Mine’s better because I didn’t spend 90% of my page loading Youtube videos. Plus, more people agree with me.

Language shift is a hilarious thing. It can turn labor into a robot, it can make important words into mundane meaningless drivel.

For example, it can take the balls off of epic.

You know what I’m talking about. Suddenly getting a free size upgrade on your coffee is EPIC, or saying something clever about your friend’s mom. Something like “We told her that drinks were ‘on the house’ and she grabbed a ladder.” It doesn’t matter. I hate your mom.

Epic used to mean something. Now it’s ruined by overuse. $10 off the Starcraft Battlechest is NOT epic. OWNING a life-size model of a Protoss is. Having an extra fiver is not epic. Getting attacked by a shark–and living–is. Going bowling with your stupid friends is not epic. Bowling a 300 game is.

In the old days, when someone wanted to get your fucking attention, it was an effort of will to present you with something so out there, so absolutely in-your-face that you had to give pause. Your only recourse: awe.

Those were the days when you could tell an alien was bad-ass because it could pick up Lt. Worf and hurl him across the bridge of the Enterprise. You paid attention. That was not regular shit. Regular shit like “Blah, blah, blah, we’re going to blow up the Enterprise” did not even get your brain on vibrate. You see that all the time.

Is this a reflection of lowering standards? Do you find excellence in mundanity? Or are you forgetting there’s a spectrum of things between “meh” and “epic” you’re just not using because you’re lazy? Let’s try a few examples.

“My horse just leaped over my little brother!”

This is an example of “Sweet, dude!!” One where something has occurred to get your attention, and is unusual for sure! But it’s lacking a certain awesome-du-jour that becomes truly impressive. It’s pretty cool, but not gosu.

“I have a foil Masticore!!”

This is an example of no one gives a shit. Please go share your pointless story with someone else. Unless…

“I only need one Oath of Druids in order to complete my M:tG deck for this tournament, I need to submit my deck in five minutes, and no one will trade with me for anything but a Masticore. This one jackass has extra Oaths and won’t even let me borrow one with collateral. This is the worst! Hmmm, I have just enough money to buy ONE booster pack of Urza’s Destiny–what the heck, it’s the newest expansion right now.” [rip open pack] “SHIT! I just got a foil Masticore!!”

THAT sir, is pretty darned amazing.

All the douches: “Hey, can I trade you for that? I’ll give you this Oath of Druids”

Now here’s what Epic is.

[Player opens his mouth, and inserts foil Masticore.]

“Nom, Nom, Nom. Fuck you, assholes!”

So it happens sometimes that I do things that confuse other people.

I don’t understand it either, but roll with me.

You have certain people who are “cuspers” in the nerd community. They like watching Big Bang Theory, or programming Pop Tart calendars (so they never eat the same flavor in the same week) but they have no fucking clue what Magic: the Gathering is.

Sometimes you’ll be doing something like rolling a character for your new D&D campaign and one of these Cuspers will look at you and say “Why the fuck do you have so many dice?” You’ll want to explain, but you run into a problem. It would take forever, they’d get bored, and they’d still be confused. I call this a lose-loser situation (of course, you get to be the loser).

If they really want to know something, teach them. I’m not saying be an asshole! But for the love of Gygax if they say “Hur, what is Magic the Gathering?” don’t start explaining The Stack. For example, this website includes an explanation of The Stack, a flash demonstration and an additional FAQ page, just to tell y0u how this one mechanic of M:tG works. You seriously want to start that with someone who doesn’t know the difference between a lifetotal die and an elf counter?

So I go to PAX East, which is like a constant nerdgasm. I get back and can’t wait to talk about every stupid thing that happened while I was there. I even wore the sweet USB bracelet I got from Wizards of the Coast with their new demo on it. Even though I haven’t played Magic in forever (my cards are in boxes) it reminded me of how addicted to that shit I was. I think once and addict, always an addict. But instead of pulling humongous boxes out of my closet, I download the Xbox Live Arcade version of M:tG (because HOLY CRAP why didn’t I already own it?!!).  I’m swearing at imaginary players and talking shit about their imaginary moms (offline play), when Cusper asks me The Question.

Cusper: [noticing gratuitous swearing] “WTF are you playing?”

Me: “Magic: the Gathering.”

Cusper: “How do you play that?”

It’s moments like this that make me want to pull decks and teach. But Cusper doesn’t really want me to teach him. In fact, I don’t think he wants me to really answer him.  So I’m all: “It’s like Yu-Gi-Oh! only for adults.”

I get the blank stare. Then I go for it: “I’m swearing because I’m unable to take out the dumb shit in this deck for the awesome shit I’m unlocking, and now this stupid burn deck is raping my grandmother. If this were real M:tG I’d have a sweet deck and fuck this burn deck up its ass with a plastic fork.”

I’m just digging the hole deeper and I know it. So then I just say “I’m a Planeswalker. It’s like being a God. That stuff is MY land. It obeys me. And I kill the other player with magical spells and creatures because I’m an asshole.”

This explanation seemed good enough for Cusper.

I knew that the really cool plans that I laid out in my pre-pax schedule were subject to change, and they did!

Thursday: Joe Kozachek drove us from Burlington, Vermont and while he drove, I worked really hard at looking at stuff. We made it to Cambridge around 5:30ish where I took the Green Line from the Science Center to my destination: HYNES! Obejective: Make it to my Gameshark dinner with Troy Goodfellow, Jenn Cutter, Meghan Watt, and Rob Zacny, PLUS have time to grab my media badge for tomorrow. I was really excited to meet Troy and Jenn for the first time IRL. Troy and I used to write for CGM back in the days of yore, and I also guested on his podcast about the gender gap with Jenn Cutter and Lara Crigger.

My mission was a complete success thanks to Jenn, and I even conquered my insanely humongous bar meal which was really messy. I’m pretty sure I grossed everyone out. We saw a number of pre-PAX East nerds sporting POKEMON stuff, which made Jenn visibly squee. You see, Jenn <3’s Pokemons.

Next, I had to navigate the T system and make it to Cambridge, where the generous Ben Webster of MIT became my hospitable host. He was extremely thoughtful and gracious about me staying at his place with really short notice. Thank you, Sir Webster!

Friday: Welcome to the CLUSTERFUCK. I slept in, donned my Kombo.com shirt like I promised, and showed up to the Hynes about an hour or so early. There was an entire room devoted to the queue. To put that in perspective, imagine the lines at Disney. Now imagine you put all the lines from all the rides together, and you’re in a big room. These guys aren’t even in the queue room. That’s how packed this was. There was a line just to queue. Thankfully, there was queue entertainment which was freaking awesome. I was looking for a video online and didn’t find any, so let me know if you see it.

Went to the Journalists vs Devs: The Ultimate Grudge Match at 2pm featuring panelists Tim Gerritsen (Director of Product Development, Irrational Games), Chris Kohler (Editor, Games, Wired.com), John Drake (Publicist, Harmonix), Patrick Klepek (News Editor, G4), and moderating Jeff Green (Editor-in-Chief, EA). Patrick Klepek was representing the writers well, and probably reading my mind. Also, Jeff was kindof doing a weird not-journalist/not-dev hybrid thing as the host. Something about that sounds familiar but I’m not sure why.

It was great to see Jeff, and we had a few minutes to bond over our dead magazines before running away from the enforcers and Jeff’s adoring fans. We all support you! PS: Jeff Green has balls of steel.

Afterward, there was no way I was getting into the 3pm keynote hosted by Wil Wheaton. I was too late getting out of the panel to wait in the line to get in, which I suspected would happen. So instead I took a look around the Expo floor, and made mental notes about where I would focus my attention. I spoke to devs and others about their games, and miraculously forgot to bring my business cards to the show that day. Which was awesome, because I couldn’t give anyone anything to contact me with.

After futzing for a while around the Expo, I got texts inviting me to meet up with Jenn Cutter’s old buddies at G4 (formerly the superb TechTV) where Jenn used to work. We asked some hot firemen with cool Boston accents how to get to the TC Lounge, fulfilling one of Jenn Cutter’s life goals of hearing an authentic Boston accent. It was a hole in the wall, nearly empty, and strangely decorated with naked ladies and one of those claw arcade games with prizes—only all the prizes were like, asian porn for some reason.

The group was a little concerned that this was not where we were supposed to be, due to the weirdness. But after a while nerds were showing up and it was all good. Jenn introduced us to the amazingly cool Matt Keil, who was super smart and awesome. We talked about games the entire time. Rob left early with his girlfriend, a physicist, who is way cooler than him. Meghan couldn’t stop saying intelligent things and impressing me despite being female. What’s up with that?

We also met and talked with Adam Sessler for a while, which was intimidating at first, but he was so nice. I suggested a game of Rise of Nations with Adam, Matt, and myself. It sounded like the coolest  idea ever, mostly because they kept insisting that they suck at RTSs. Of course, we didn’t invite Troy to play, because he’d just pummel us into meat.

I asked Matt and Adam for business cards, that way I could e-mail them later—also because I didn’t have mine (stupid, huh?). Matt complied, and then Adam said something weird about not having any because he didn’t like to lose money needlessly. I was confused, but was left feeling respect for Adam’s financial savvy. Through the din we figured out that Adam thought I was asking if he had cards so we could play poker or something. It was too fucking loud  in the bar to hear anything. After clearing up that mishap, I offered to teach him how to school at poker, to which he declined, further insisting he was unteachable at poker.

It was the highlight of my day talking shop with such intelligent, informed people. They were so funny and had really interesting things to talk about. I was in awe of every single one of them, honestly. I had a great time watching the lovable Troy Goodfellow drink like a fish, and the adorable Jenn Cutter accidentally scare a hockey fan. Did I mention that Jenn Cutter is my personal badass hero?

I had to leave early and get back to Cambridge, but I had a stupid smile on my face all the way back.

Thanks to the excellent media wranglers handling the expo, I was approved for my Kombo.com press pass for the event! This is awesome since I applied wicked late, and just whiskered my way in.

From past experience, I know that gaming cons are usually packed with people elbow to asshole. Adding to that, anything that Penny-Arcade touches multiplies attendance by Higgs-Boson. If you have cool questions for any panel, and you’re NOT ATTENDING PAX EAST submit them here, I’ll probably remember to ask them. Keep in mind, if I wander by the games area I might blow off every panel and play like, DDR or something.

My plans for the event are as follows:

Thursday:

• ??:?? o’clock  ARRIVE, pick up media badge

• Gameshark Dinner

Friday:

• Journalists vs. Developers: The Ultimate Grudge Match
  Manticore Theatre
  Friday, 2:00pm

• PAX East 2010 Keynote Wil Wheaton (I’m going to try and get in, if I fail, I’ll just go play games)
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 3:00pm

• <GAMES><INTERVIEWS>

• Friday Night Concerts!
  Main Theatre
  Friday, 8:30pm

• The Future of PC Gaming Yes, there is one!
  Wyvern Theatre
  Friday, 10:00pm

• <PARTIES, GAMES>

Saturday:

• Early Media Access on the Show Floor 9:00am

• Greetings from a Dead-Tree Dinosaur Cartoonist v1.1 (FoxTrot’s Bill Amend!)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 10:00am

• The Death of Print (this should be good, I watched my own employer die. RIP, CGM)
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 1:00pm

• A Sophisticated Evening with Rooster Teeth Productions
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 3:30pm

• Podcasting (f)or PR (interested in cakepiepods?)
  Naga Theatre
  Saturday, 5:30pm

• Hal Halpin and Adam Sessler Talking Games
  Manticore Theatre
  Saturday, 7:00pm

• Saturday Night Concert (if I can get in, otherwise ROCK BAND FREE PLAY @11pm)
  Main Theatre
  Saturday, 8:30pm

SUNDAY:

• 9:00am PA Media Panel

• 10:00am Three Moves Ahead Brunch

• So You Want to Get into the Game Industry?
  Naga Theatre
  Sunday, 11:30am

• Penny Arcade Panel #2 (this or XPLAY, both are likely to be full)
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• X-Play LIVE: A Show on Television (this or the PA panel, both are likely to be full)
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 1:00pm

• Forcing Your Way In & Coming Out On Top: The Game Industry in
  Rainbow Color (if I can fit it in–see what I did there?)
  Wyvern Theatre
  Sunday, 1:30pm

• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Game Journalism…
  Manticore Theatre
  Sunday, 2:30pm

• Closing Ceremony
  Main Theatre
  Sunday, 5:00pm

The world misses me. I know. Sorry, world, I’ve been out.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I live in the cheerful, weather-lottery state of Vermont, formerly its own magical fairlyland Republic, long before Texas made it cool (true fact!). The great thing about living here is accessibility to bored nerds who have formed their own bizarre culture of board games, videogames, comics,  Star Trek, cosplay, role-play, and more! The downside: pick your weather out of a hat. It could be anything. Also, use a really cool hat!

A lot has happened since I dropped off the planet (I learned the hard way: the Earth is flat!) try and stay out of the sun while you read this list, you could get skin cancer (and I’m spiteful!).

• I was invited to be a guest panelist in This sweet Three Moves Ahead podcast! You like games, you should listen to it, it’s way better than listening to Rush Limbaugh! We talk about how weird it is that girls play videogames, Bayonetta, and also strategy gaming. If you’re into strategy keep up with Flash of Steel and their aforementioned podcast, it’s a great way to do the community thing.

• I started writing at Kombo.com but so far, I’ve only written a couple of pieces (you can find links on the sidebar by clicking “Kombo.com Articles“) . They have some really smart people writing, plus you can keep up with news and not have to deal with sensationalism in game journalism.

• I have Lyme Disease. Ticks bite you, you get sick. It’s a bitch. Mostly it sucks (har, har) because I’ve had to prioritize my health and I let CAKEPIE.COM slide!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! On the good side, I’m starting to feel a bit better, I hope you can look forward to more writing!

I love bullet points! They’re marginally better than numbered lists!

Thanks for reading, also thanks for commenting. I appreciate my small, but fantastically attractive community. Seriously, do you model?

I’m hopeful that you’ve all had great Christmases, Hanukkahs, Kwanzaas, and Obligatory Ice Level Days.

In case you’re uncool, and have never played a videogame before in your life, there is a time-honored tradition of including ICE LEVELS in games. These are awesome, because you get to slide around and crap.

Why bother with the commercialism of the holidays when you can appreciate all of those hard-working developers responsible for your favorite games? You spend a lot more time playing games than you do celebrating holidays! My logic is impeccable. You basically have to give thanks to Ice Levels.

I didn’t think of this myself, sadly, I have to give blame credit to The Speed Gamers for this one. Go forth and celebrate!

Cake-pi at WOOT

Yes, folks, you missed possibly the best day on Shirt Woot EVER.

Thanks to Ms. Kira Awesome for pointing this out to me. A little late, but still.

Think you can do better? Show me! If I like it you may just get your graphic put at the top of my website forever! You won’t be paid, but if you’re a struggling art graduate student it would be a good portfolio piece.

To see exactly what kind of style I’m looking for (though I’m open to your creative wackiness) check out the fan page for cake-pie.com on Facebook HERE. You should also join, if you’re a fan. Which I think you are.

Send your e-mails to cake-pie at cake-pie dot com ^_^

I can’t tell you how much I love Thanksgiving. It’s my very favorite holiday! Not because I’m a consumer whore who digs all the Black Friday sales, NAY! It’s the only holiday untainted by such! Even better: awesome food without the obligation to guess what other people want/need without going broke enough to re-gift. Nearly every other holiday requires some kind of gifting and boy does it suck to not be able to read minds. Next year, get me that for my Birthday. Mindreading!

I’ve found a couple of great things to be thankful for, and regardless of your personal spiritual/philosophical/apathetic views you can always appreciate some goodness!!

Zahada is an ongoing logic/reasoning/smartness game that will steal many hours of your life–for to have smart brains!–if you can figure out how to get started. It helps if you’re a nerd! I won’t give you any hints past that, but expect your head to a-splode with figuring. I landed myself in trouble around level 34, see if you can get there and find out what I mean! Please post no answers or spoilers in comments or I’ll burninate you. Or edit your post in an embarrassing  way. Don’t test me!

Faux Food –You probably think you know what this is, but let me tell you, punk, you should check this out anyway. I read this blog because I’m a girl and I love fashion so sue me, but look at this article!! Look at the om nom noms!! Thinking about a weird-ass Thanksgiving dinner? Here’s some inspiration. I especially love the Swedish fish sushi! I really want to try out the Jell-O Fruit!

Korean Dramas! Okay, so maybe you’ve never heard of these? But Korean dramas are leagues ahead of our own, mixing stories that will make you laugh, characters that will make you cry, and lots of hijinks and alcohol abuse. South Korean film-making is so good Kim Jong Il, in his infinite crazyness once kidnapped a film-maker and his wife, a former actress. Why? Because he wanted him to “Make good films”, which apparently iron-fisting and opium farming can’t provide on it’s own. Silly freedom and it’s good film-making!! At any rate, I’d recommend some, but my favorite (Exhibition of Fireworks) is not working right now. Just read the synopses for them and pick one. Give that at least two full episodes (they’re broken up due to size), you’ll be hooked.

If you get the ITIS this Thanksgiving now you have some clever sport to add to the holiday when you wake up. Try out my kind of fun!

Borderlands. Well, there are borders, and there’s A LOT of land, presenting itself as some sort of FPS with no dice rolls; AKA none of that Fallout crap where you get a head-shot and it says you miss. No, you get a head-shot, and it’s to the head.

The game takes no time to start you going. From the moment you hit the Enter Key your character selection is the only down time. After that, you’re thrown into a gunfight and the world is yours to loot, kill, loot, find better loot, quest, loot–did I mention loot?

Oh, and did I mention the 17 million guns or whatever Randy Pitchford said? Yeah, I’m positive that wasn’t a lie: I have all four characters leveling, and the only guns I’ve seen twice have been boss loot. There are a lot of effects your guns can have: you can have shotguns that can deal electric damage, machine guns that fire acid, not to mention rocket launchers!!! But the game’s main aspect is not just the ridiculous amount of guns. They’re just there to pad the way through this 30+ hour story.

Borderlands is structured in a somewhat linear way, yet it’s a huge world, with a lot of interesting characters and moments that will have you talking about them in one of those water cooler situations. Or in my case around a bottle of vodka on a Saturday night.

Now it’s rare for me to always want to play a game no matter what I’m doing, but I found myself at work, playing World of Warcraft, or watching a film and not even thinking about that stuff. All I had on my mind was Borderlands. The last game to do this was Age of Conan. Yeah, it’s been a while.

Sadly, there’s a sort of killer in the game: the story. It isn’t that the story isn’t good, it’s that it’s not amazing like every other aspect of the game. Everything else is so polished I guess something had to suffer. It’s a lot like playing an MMO. I’ll get a quest, I don’t read anything, I just go and do it, mostly because there’s a 99% chance it wants me to kill something and get loot. The main story is scattered around here and there, but you won’t really know it or care for it. You’re on Pandora, a planet at the edge of the galaxy, you’re looking for some Vault that has weapons and riches–or so they say–what’s in there? Play the game and figure it out… go! THAT’S IT! Yeah, not the best, but whatever.

The story won’t matter, and you wont even care because the best part of this game is co-op. We know all the rage these days is to be able to play with your friends, and this game has you covered! At any time you can invite friends into your game, and the AI and monsters scale to all of you so it does get harder, but you also get more XP, more things to kill, and better LOOT! You can do the whole game with three friends, but you all need to be around same level (or two levels up or down from one another) to maximize proficiency without the low-level player in your group getting stomped.

If you go in there and coordinate your attacks you’ll have a blast. If you aren’t lucky enough to have friends, you can still play single-player all the way through. And lets face it, you’re on PC so if you’re like me your only friends are WoW players who pretend to be chicks to get free items anyway (guilty!) .

The biggest gripe people seem to have is the graphics and visual presentation. Remembering back when this game was announced I had no interest in it. It looked like a Fallout 3 clone. Yeah I said it. And people, I’m telling you I love Fallout 3 but it’s not the Best Game Ever as some claim. Borderlands is presented in an almost cell-shaded look–I don’t know how to classify it but it’s damn sexy. The way the filtering and lighting works is awesome and it really brings the world to life. Even though most of the world is destroyed and full of junk it still looks good.

Borderlands really hit the spot I’ve been waiting for: a huge world, nice visuals, awesome co-op, easy to play, and FUN! That’s the core word, Borderlands is fun! You can die over ten times on the same thing and it’s still fun.

I could go into details on some of the boring inventory management because there really is a lot of loot to deal with, but that’s one very small gripe, and by the time you hit level 30 you’ll have plenty of space money and all the guns you prefer. Rating this game is hard. Not because I’m having trouble with giving it a amazing score, but because even a game like Metal Gear Solid 4 has gripes. This one has them too, but they’re minor.

So let me just cut to the score and give it 4.7/5 Pastries. Borderlands is a prime example of how to take a simple concept like shoot-kill-loot and make it amazing! If you get a chance to pick up this game now or when it’s cheaper do yourself a favor and do it: you won’t regret it. Gearbox has done an amazing job and deserves the money.